Dealing with a depressed partner is not easy. Sometimes, you don’t even understand how they are feeling. You know your partner needs help but you are confused about how to help them because they may be shutting you out due to their depression.
When your partner is depressed, you may feel like your world is falling apart. You may struggle to understand why the person you love is suddenly different, and you likely want to know what brought this drastic change on and how to fix it.
The harmful effects of depression don’t stop with your partner. They affect every aspect of your partner’s life and, most importantly, you. Your partner may withdraw from you or feel like a burden.
However, depression does not mean that your relationship is broken. This is not the time to leave your partner alone or allow face their demons alone. You have to be there for them and make sure your relationship gets right back on track.
When you are dealing with a partner battling depression, you need to first take care of yourself. Caring for someone who is struggling with depression requires strength and you need to feel that you have enough resources before you can offer any to them.
First of all, you must get support. Depression is a lonely experience, even when you are not the one who’s depressed. It’s normal to frequently feel overwhelmed or helpless. It’s common for you to feel the pain your partner is feeling because you spend so much time around them.
You should have empathy for yourself. Remember that you cannot fix your partner’s depression, and it is not your fault that they are struggling. During hard moments, remind yourself that it requires courage to face depression head on and to choose to love your partner during their struggle.
Find positive outlets through which you can let off steam. Engagement is the enemy of depression. You are less likely to feel the effects of your partner’s depression if you stay actively engaged in your life. Make plans that you can look forward to, celebrate accomplishments, and savor your connections.
This is not to say that you should use activities to distance yourself from your partner, but you are allowed to be active and explore new possibilities even if your partner is not able to join you at that moment.
This is the time to focus on love. When the going gets tough remind yourself of all the things that you love about your partner. If your partner feels up for it, this might be a conversation to have with them.
Trade memories of good times back and remember the favorite things you love about them. Recall an especially good memory and stay with it for an extended period of time so that it can re- ally sink in. Deepening these thoughts will help counterbalance the weight of your shared experience of depression.
As difficult as it is to acknowledge, the relationship that you knew before your partner’s depression may be gone now, and a new relationship may have taken its place.
This does not mean that you will always have to live with the effects of your partner’s depression, but the relationship can be forever changed by depression. This is not necessarily a bad thing.
You can grow stronger and closer in your efforts to man- age depression and help your partner cope. When recognizing the change in your relationship, it can be appropriate to grieve what you have lost but then remember to recognize what you have gained as a result of your struggle.
Now that you have covered the important aspects of taking care of yourself, you have to now focus on how to take care of your depressed partner. It is your duty to care for your partner until they overcome their depression. You shouldn’t only be with them during good times only.
If your partner is depressed, you don’t have to blame them for feeling so lost and gloomy. You don’t have to tell them that they should go to church for deliverance because they are suffering from spiritual attack.
Depression is not a spiritual attack, it is a mental attack. Depression sneaks in on people and messes with their heads and minds. It is a battle to crawl out a deep pit, so be loving and considerate with your partner until they win.
Depression is a slippery slope, and sometimes your best intentions can actually make the situation worse. Here are some guidelines to consider when trying helping your partner through their depression.
First, you have to educate yourself. Depression is a mental illness that can be triggered by life events, biological changes, and genetic predisposition.
The symptoms of depression include sad mood, low energy, irritability, social isolation, having trouble focusing or accomplishing goals, changes in eating and sleeping, and hopelessness.
Doing research and learning about the effects of depression can help you feel more prepared to handle it. You may be better able to anticipate problems and triggers and feel less like your partner’s depression is something personal.
Talk therapy, medication, and support groups are all helpful in dealing with depression.
Encourage your partner to get treatment. Your partner can learn skills that will help them be more engaged and less isolated.
Through therapy and other treatment, they may find improvements in their mood and recognize that they are not alone in their struggle. Therapy can also teach your partner that they are not broken and help them towards greater self-acceptance.
Remember that depression isn’t necessarily logical. Telling your partner about the great things in their life as reasons not to be depressed will not help them, and this might likely make them feel worse.
People with depression often ruminate about how their depression makes no sense because there’s nothing wrong in their lives. That’s because most people with depression have an internal predisposition to feeling depressed. Likewise, remember that depression is not your partner failing to deal with things nor can they snap out of it since they didn’t snap into it.
It’s important to tell your partner when you are feeling hopeful and when you aren’t. It may be challenging for them to hear you at times but they will come to appreciate that you are always forthright with how you feel and you don’t hide things from them.
It’s okay to wait a day or two until your partner feels better to tell them that you are having a hard time or worried about a fight, but don’t put the conversation off indefinitely.
Offer care and compassion whenever you feel able. If your partner asks, feel free to offer advice or give an alternative perspective to a problem. Keep in mind that your partner will not always be able to absorb your help, though.
Sometimes depression feels especially dark and hard to escape from, so your partner may have trouble seeing the things that you are hopeful about. This is not a failing on their part, or yours.
It is part of depression, and your partner will appreciate it if you keep offering help. Your persistence in the belief that they will persevere can inspire much-needed hope.
RE: SENSIBLE MEN DON’T KISS AND TELL
I agree with you that men who kiss and tell are brostitutes. Your write-up made an interesting read. I sincerely hope that guys who kiss and tell will come across your article and learn some bitter truth. There is no crime in being heterosexual. Who do they expect a woman to do it with? Such attitude destroys relationships. -Femi Oni
I agree with you that sensible men don’t kiss and tell but I will take it deeper by saying that birds of a feather flock together. Men who kiss and tell do so with
friends who also kiss and tell so they are all not sensible together. -Emma Chiadi
Kate, being an educated Nigerian and a lawyer, I enjoy your writ- ups and I align myself with your views. But the most curious and interesting thing about the responses to your column is about one man who is always throwing punches at you at every write-up and still continues to read you. –Barr. Emma
Kate, I am your fan. You are one of women I admire for writing things many Nigerians don’t want to hear. I admire your courage despite all the attacks you get from insecure and heartless men who feel threatened by your articles. You are my woman crush every Saturday. Keep it up. Men who kiss and tell are not only insensible, they are also babies who should grow up and stop acting immature. -Olabisi, Lagos
You are always quick to attack men but you turn a blind eye to all the bad things women do to men in relationships. You have refused to talk about ladies who drain guys of their hard earned money and still abandon them when the chips are down. You have refused to tell ladies to stop being materialistic and work for their own money. You are a fake feminist. You should practice what you preach and stop destroying other people’s relationships. -Maxwell Okafor, Awka
Kate, don’t you have morals? Instead of you to educate young ladies to stop sleeping around, you are complaining about guys talking about having sex with different women. You should be ashamed of yourself for promoting promiscuity in women and attacking men for talking about their sexual conquests.
Men will be men and no matter how many women they sleep with, they will still see virgins to marry but it is not the same with women. Stop teaching young ladies loose morals so that they won’t end up a bitter old maid like you. -Obinna, Aba