Relationship with one’s in-laws is tricky. This is because no matter how much they love you, they will always love your spouse better. 

Even though family dynamics vary from family to family, there may be a few lucky men and women who have been blessed with great in-laws. 

But for majority of people, especially Nigerian women, they have to deal with toxic, bickering, intrusive and pushing in-laws. The down side of this is that the fight can take a serious turn when they also turn disrespectful.

Having a tainted and strained relationship with your in-laws can be a harmful influence on your marriage if not handled properly. In-laws can be a real pain in the ass, especially if you notice your marriage deteriorating due to their negative influence.

If your in-laws are rude, discourteous, and manipulative, there are bound to be issues in your marriage and their behaviour has a way of squeezing the happiness from your marriage and your life.

Whenever I listen to some people lament about how their in-laws cause problems in their marriages, I feel like telling the person complaining to grow some balls and do the right thing.

You shouldn’t allow your parents and siblings disrespect your spouse, talk down on them and call them unprintable names while you look on and you are complaining that your spouse has become cold towards you. Why won’t your spouse be cold towards you when you don’t care how your family treats them?

Many Nigerian men are fond of saying that their family members can do no wrong in their eyes and allow them break boundaries in their marriages and get away with treating their wives like crap and they still expect these women to worship the ground their family members walk on. Things don’t work that way.

For men and women who are at their wits end because of intrusive and disrespectful in laws, the first thing to do when dealing with such family members is to unite as a couple. Any form of disunity between the couple will make matters worse.

If your in-laws manage to pit you and your spouse against each other because of petty issues, you need to ensure that you are in this together. You cannot really control what your in-laws say or do, but you can regulate your reactions to those things, as a couple.

Talk to your spouse about the issue and explain how their behaviour has been affecting your life, your marriage and the family as a whole. Have a frank conversation with your spouse and most importantly, do not jump to conclusions and steam off until you have heard your spouse on the matter in hand. Once your spouse is on your side, half the battle is won.

Standing firm and not budging an inch will prevent your in-laws from having their way. If you feel like giving up because they are elders, remind yourself that you too are an adult and can handle things effectively, your way. Do not budge an inch if you are sure of what you are doing.

After you stand up for yourself a few times, your in-laws may just get the message and stop disrespecting you. Don’t be difficult, just stop adjusting and giving in to their whims and demands.

Another way to deal with disrespectful in-laws is simply to set boundaries. If your in-laws have a habit to drop by unexpectedly, and you end up cancelling your plans as a couple all the time, set boundaries so that your space as a couple is respected.

Appreciate their concern that they will likely disguise their interference as, but communicate in clear terms that you would like to handle things your way, and on your own.

If your in-laws are still not respecting the boundaries and continue to disrespect your wishes, bring it to your spouse’s notice. Remember, training your in-laws may seem very similar to raising your children.

Limit your interaction with your in-laws if they continue to disrespect you. If your in-laws intentionally do or say things that hurt you, it is evident that they don’t like you and don’t respect your marriage boundaries.

Your best bet in such a scenario would be to limit your interaction to the bare minimum with your in-laws. Keeping distance geographically may make sense as well. They will get less opportunity to hurt you and you will be crying a lot less.

You can limit how much your in-laws disrespect you by only spending time with them when your spouse is present. Your spouse needs to be in the centre of all the activity that involves your in-laws.

Because your spouse is the connection between you and his or her family, make sure you do not spend time with your in-laws inhis or her absence. Your spouses’ presence would mean fewer issues because they will be able to manage issues that arise. The presence of your spouse will keep your in-laws behaviour in check, and you will also feel less vulnerable.

Don’t take loans or favours and don’t extend them as well to your in-laws. Money issues strain relationships. Favours and gifts, financial or otherwise often come with strings attached.

You should not owe anything to people who disrespect you and are not nice to you. When you exchange gifts or favours, you complicate the power dynamics of control at play, and one side will generally end up crushing the other under the weight of gratitude.

Be sensitive towards your spouse’s feelings. Managing your in-laws who cause problems in your marriage can be a sensitive issue at times – simply because your spouse and they share a lot more than you think.

Acting too fast and not giving them enough time to change can backfire and spoil your relationship with your spouse.

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Make sure your spouse is not made to feel that he or she is being pushed to take sides, or assign blame every time a difficult situation arises.

Assure your spouse that you just want to be respected and have nothing against his or her feelings for his or her parents. Being mindful of and sensitive towards your spouse’s feelings will ensure that  both  of you are on the same side.

Explain to your spouse that in seeking respect for your union, he or she is not belittling or betraying his or her parents. Assure your spouse that you are with him or her in maintaining a healthy relationship with his or her parents.

When your in-laws continue to disrespect you, talk to them and explain to them that you do not believe that you have done anything to deserve disrespect and rude behaviour from them.

Take a step forward and ask them what have you done to upset them so much that they have been disrespecting you and even badmouthing you in front of other relatives. Tell them you know the gossip about yourself that are doing the rounds.

Perhaps the conversation will take a mean turn and they will share incidents when you have indeed caused them pain. In this case, request them to sort such issues sitting together as a family and by not showing contempt towards each other. If this does not happen, your in-laws may simply not like you and you have to live with it.

These steps will send your in-laws the message that they are dealing with an adult and not a child, and they cannot get away treating you like they do. You don’t have to be mean when doing this but be firm so that they will know they can’t disrespect you whenever they feel like it.

Even though it can be hard to reason with people who love disrespecting you because you married their son or daughter, it is better for you to put your foot down and set clear boundaries regarding your relationship with them. Doing this will help you handle them better.

 

Re: Hurtful things nigerian husbands should stop doing to their wives

Kate, this is another fine piece. Of course, I can’t dictate your style but I like it more when you are deliberately fair to both sexes. Parents should start early to groom their sons to regard women and teach their daughters how to speak out and be assertive not necessarily in a confrontational manner.

Men need to learn that respecting and treating women well is not weakness. It is sad that men have been wired by culture to have ego but with people like you teaching them how to treat women, there’s hope.

-Barr. Onyeokoro 

 

Your article would have been more welcome if you were not writing from a feminist’s perspective. I mean it was a highly biased gender based write-up capable of inciting more women to rebellion against their husbands. I didn’t say men were saints but your write-up lacked balance and objectivity. But well done all the same since your article still has useful messages for those they are meant for.

-Charles

 

My audacious Queen of the pen profession, double standard in marriage relationship between men and women is an age-long tradition that is being passed from one generation to another with little or no resistance from the oppressed.

These thoughtless men fail to realize that they did not have audience with God to decide the sex they are made of. Men and women were equally created in the image of God so there is absolutely no reason for man to claim superiority over any woman.1Corithians 7:3-4 buttresses the fact that husband and wife are meant to complement each other in all things.

-Pastor Stephen

 

I am waiting for the day you will expose all the evil women do to men in relationships. But it’s like I will wait forever because you see men as devils while women are saints. As a self acclaimed feminist, you are not being fair to Nigerian men. You should lead by example and stop unleashing your frustration on innocent men who are trying their best to keep their relationships going. Your articles have a way of inciting women to disrespect their men. I hope you are called to order soon before you trick married women to leave their husbands with your weekly evil articles.

-Ikechukwu, Lagos