“The first day I met his mom, she welcomed me with arms wide open. Even though he’s an only child, she was calm, loving and caring.
She endorsed our relationship from day one. We got married months later. Although we lived in his mother’s house, the home front was peaceful.
She had her room to herself, doesn’t get in my way, nor control how I run the house. She was generally a peace loving woman.
She was by me all through my pregnancy, dotting and pampering me. She made me special soups even when we have house helps, goes on evening walks with me, massages my feet and back when they ache and when my husband wasn’t home to do it. She gave me peace. The type of peace I never enjoyed with my parents who were always bickering.
I gave birth to our child through Cesarean section and mother in-law was by my side all through my stay at the hospital. At her age, she was shuttling between home and hospital to cook for me. She slept on the hospital floor and was always up once her grandchild starts to cry.
A day before we were discharged from the hospital, my mother arrived. I was happy to see her after a long time, but I was worried because I knew she was meddlesome and full of drama.
She came and wanted everyone to bow to her. As her children, we often appreciated our father for putting up with a character like her for ages. You dare not go against her, but we grew up to set some boundaries on how she speaks to us especially our father.
All was well few days into her arrival, until my mom out of nowhere asked my mother in-law “when do you intend to leave this house so my daughter can enjoy her marriage to your son?” I was dazed, confused and couldn’t place where and why my mother would be asking her such question.
I rebuked her immediately. I fought all my life to get out of the battle front we called a home, now she’s about to start fire in my peaceful home. I told my mom point blank “This house belongs to her, she owns it, we live peacefully and I love her”.
Before my mom could utter any more words, I faced my mother in-law and apologized for the unnecessary attack and rather rude question.
My mother left for her room, packed her belongings and left my house. I didn’t even try to stop her. As a matter of fact, I was happy she left. I called my father and siblings to explain what happened and they understood me completely.
It’s over two years since that incident and my mom never picks nor returns my calls. The last time I visited, she walked out on me. She only hugged her grand child on her way out.
What are the best ways to handle troublesome, controlling and meddlesome parent?”
Someone sent me this via email.
Sometimes, family could be the toxicity in one’s life, and in this case, you have to understand that your mother is toxic.
It is very common for people with toxic behavior to create drama or be surrounded by it. They try to manipulate, control and even use others to meet their needs. They act all needy, it has to be about them all the time.
Toxic people are not just people having a bad day; they are people with serious interpersonal dysfunctional problems and lack of social awareness. They leave you numbing or being overly accommodating.
You allow them cross unhealthy boundaries, thereby letting go of your values. You are emotionally affected by their drama, you even dread or fear being around them. You are exhausted or angry after your interactions with them. You are stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or care for them even when they won’t change.
The best way to tackle toxic people is to set and maintain boundaries which they usually don’t like. Keep your interactions brief and topics light. Always focus on protecting yourself from their unhealthy behaviors. Stop making excuses for them or trying to fix them!
Learn to send them forward in life with love and compassion, if not, they will cause you to gossip or become mean. They are like straight-jackets; they will freak out when you disagree with them and won’t stop trying to convince you that they are right.
They are like spiritual vampires who suck positivity out of you and bleed you emotionally dry. They are purveyors of negativity and pessimism. As drama magnets, they want your empathy, sympathy and support, not your advice.
They play victims and thrive in crisis. They are jealous and edgy. Their jealousy comes in form of judgment, criticism or gossip. They are after your emotional and mental freedom.
You deserve to live a happy life so forget about people who don’t help you be your best self. Love your mom from a distance and do not let her guilt trip you. Your mental health should be your priority. Love and pray for her.
The home is yours and so is your marriage, do not sacrifice your peace for her. Have fun with your support group. If your mother wants to join in the fun, let her get out of her bitterness and embrace positivity in life.