I have had unaccountable patients, metaphorically speaking who had scars in their souls. Everyone once or twice in a lifetime, has had a very traumatising or heart wrenching experience, which whenever one remembers it, brings goose pimples and something in one usually dies a little.
There are other minor incidences, which although not very devastating, yet are still so embarrassing, that one could wish the ground to open and swallow one up.
According to Prof Arlin Cuncic – memories that are negative tend to stay with us. This can be particularly true, if you suffer from a medical condition known as Social Anxiety Disorder(SAD), but even if you don’t suffer from SAD, there is a good chance, that you have dealt with lingering bad memories at some point in your life.
You may find yourself cringing over something that happened weeks, months or even years ago, as though you were still in the situation and can still feel the shame. So called suspended animation of agony.
I shall refrain from giving some morbid examples since I am read mostly by under-18. So as to protect their sensibilities and decorum.
Indeed a 2016 study in Journal of Behavioural Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, showed that people with SAD, tended to view negative social memories as central to their identity.
Another new research is beginning to shed light on the process through which negative memories may contribute to fear, anxiety and depression.
The studies mentioned indicate that certain hormones and genes may be responsible for SAD.
The trauma of negative social memory.
• 1) You may have a hard time, trying to forget a bad memory, whether or not you have SAD.
• 2) It may feel as though you have built up a memory bank filled with all the situations you remember as being shameful and embarrassing.
• 3) While the specific memories that stick with you will vary from person to person, some examples include the following:
a) Making a mistake in a social situation, such as speaking wrong English or calling someone by a wrong name.
b) Freezing or rambling nonsense during a public presentation
c) Being rejected by someone, whom you have admired and loved for a long time, in what you thought was a romantic relationship.
d) Believing that others were aware of your anxious symptoms like shaking of hands or peeing in your pants.
e) Losing a father, a mother or close relatives, through your inadvertent negligence or stubbornness.
d) Being bullied or made fun of by peers, a lot of teenagers have committed suicide due to bullying.
Your reactions to negative social memory.
After these types of events, whenever you recall them, you might say things to yourself such as;
• Why did I say or do that?
• Why did I embarrass myself like that?
• Why can’t I interact easily with people.
• I wish the ground could open and swallow me immediately.
In essence, you keep reliving those embarrassing memories, and it may feel as though you can’t shut off your brain, or in very grievous ones wish you could die so as to overcome the shame.
What hormone causes bad memories?
• a) A current research has shown that the hormone “oxytocin “ has been implicated in those with Social Anxiety Disorder ( SAD). Oxytocin may have the effect of causing emotional pain, and could be the reason that stressful social situations stay with us long after the original event, and may even trigger future anxiety and fear.
• b) It appears that oxytocin strengthens social memories in the brain – especially in the lateral septum.
• c) Also oxytocin has the effect of intensification or amplification. This is important since chronic social stress is known to cause anxiety and depression.
• d) The research also suggests that, just as social anxiety appears to have a genetic component, it follows that your brain’s ability to access oxytocin, might relate to how well you encode bad memories in social situations, such that they make you afraid in future.
How do we manage damaging bad social experience?
1) Elimination of such bad memories of these events, would help to lessen your anxiety.
2) If you have flashbacks or cringe attacks, about shameful situations from the past, keep a diary in which you record happy or positive events as well. Anytime you remember a negative memory, try to counter it with a positive one.
3) In response to flashbacks, you could also have a few phrases that you repeat to yourself, such as “that event does not define me”.
4) You could also try to practise mindfulness, when bad memories come back to you. Instead of allowing yourself to become engrossed in the sad memory, try bringing your attention to something in the present moment such as a sight or smell.
5) If you still struggle, try employing a cognitive-behavioural-approach, and ask yourself “does anybody other than me really remember that situation, or think about it?
6) Finally if you find yourself falling victim to the need to be perfect, just remember that nobody is perfect except God Almighty – as a human being you are entitled to make mistakes. So do not be embarrassed or flog yourself. Rationalise it with “nobody is above mistake”, and move on.
7) Above all else, do not use negative strategies to forget bad memories, such as drug or alcohol abuse. Be medically guided.
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