A young lady sent me a message asking how to know when she meets the one. It got me thinking. Many times when young ladies talk about relationships, they ask one another how they know when they have met the love of their lives.
How are you supposed to know if the person you are with right now is the one? How do you know the person you are dating now is the one that you’re going to want to spend the rest of your life with, have tons of sex with, and maybe even have children with?
But not many ladies ask themselves if the guy they are dating is not the one. They desperately hold on to men who don’t love them, the ones who disrespect them and those who clearly show them that they are not planning to have a future with them.
Ladies should stop being desperate to get married. It is this desperation that makes high flying ladies marry guys who are beneath them mentally and financially and those who see their success as a threat to their manhood.
Guys should stop looking for submissive women when it comes to marriage. This is how many guys end up with demons who were pretending to be angels because they only wanted to get married first and then show their true colours later.
The desire to find the right partner can lead you to overlook red flags, label erratic behavior as typical ups and downs, or tell yourself that nobody’s perfect. But if you are true to yourself, you should carefully look out for signs that the person you are dating is not the one for you.
If you don’t share the same values with the person you are dating, you both shouldn’t bother taking your relationship further. It is not a curse but if you and your partner are not on the same page regarding important issues, your relationship won’t last.
If your man believes that women are inferior to men and you believe in gender equality, why are you both unequally yoked? What kind of marriage will you both enjoy if your man believes you are an appendage and not his equal?
If you are in a relationship with a woman who believes that your money is our money while her money is her money, you are about to marry a woman who will watch you groan under the weight of taking care of all your family responsibilities without contributing a dime to assist you.
If your partner believes that a woman’s education ends in the kitchen and you have plans to further your education and work to earn to earn your money, then you are with the wrong man.
Your partner is supposed to support your life dreams and be happy to see you soar instead of using religion and culture to stifle you. If you think he will change after marriage, you are lying to yourself. His behaviour will get worse after you get married.
Anybody that doesn’t prioritize you is not the one you should settle down with. I see women make this mistake all the time because they are blinded by love and the desperation to get married. They tell themselves that it doesn’t really matter until they start facing hell in their marriages.
You can prioritize lots of things while also managing your partner’s feelings. If someone is constantly being pushed to second place, they start feeling bad. You don’t focus all your attention on work or business and still expect your partner to be there for you when you need them. That’s being selfish.
A young lady sent a message to me recently saying that the man she wants to marry doesn’t have time for her. She told me that he loves her but they don’t spend time together. I asked her what kind of marriage she would have with such a man but she didn’t respond.
Any man or woman who doesn’t prioritize you is not one who should be in your life. Marriage is a very long journey to start putting up with an absentee partner before you even embark on the journey. You will end up tired, sad and bitter when you both finally get married.
Compromise is important in relationships. But if you feel like you are fighting almost every day or walking on eggshells around your partner, there’s a communication breakdown happening. Things won’t change when you get married if you don’t tackle it immediately.
Situations that are chronically toxic, that have multiple and frequent arguments that go unresolved, and where there is domestic violence, are often signs that she or he is not the right one. You shouldn’t excuse your partner’s violent behaviour even before you tie the knot.
Name-calling, frequent use of sarcasm and comments that hit below the belt on a frequent basis are signs that you are not with the one. In fact, those kind of behavior are unacceptable if you are honest with yourself.
If your partner is putting you down a lot under the guise of “it’s just a joke,” maybe you need to rethink whether or not you want to be the brunt of their painful jokes for the next 50 years after you get married.
If your partner blames you and does not take responsibility for his or her own part in arguments, you are looking at an unhealthy marriage or long-term relationship. If your partner has anger issues and berates you without reflection of where it comes from, it’s a red flag.
It’s important for couples to discuss issues in a healthy way, and sometimes that means taking time to cool down or find the right words. What’s key is that each person examine what kind of changes they can make to be a better person rather than being preoccupied with being right.
If your partner’s insecurities is leading to controlling behaviours, then you need to give that person some space. We all have insecurities but if you are forbidden from dressing up or looking nice because he or she worries it will attract the opposite sex, it’s time to be concerned.
Whatever the suggestion or the demand, understanding the intention and the rationale behind it is crucial. There’s a big difference between saying, “I worry about you when you leave the office late at night,” and, “I don’t want you going out at night without me.”
Women, control is not love. When a man is exhibiting controlling behaviour by telling you what to wear, who to talk to, where to go, how to dress and who to relate with, don’t laugh it off by saying he is doing all that because he loves you. Marrying a controlling man is hell on earth.
If your partner keeps lying to you and cheating on you, he or she is not the one. That person won’t make a good spouse. You don’t want to end up with someone you can’t trust and one who believes that cheating on you doesn’t mean anything as long as he gives you money and buys you gifts.
Even though there’s no perfect relationship, knowing who you are in a relationship with as well as their strengths and weaknesses will make you know how to make informed decisions about what you can take and the things you can’t endure.
Re: women don’t have to suffer to find love
Kate, what you said is the truth. Women always fight for love and it is not supposed to be like that because the Bible even said women should be submissive to their husbands while men should love their wives. But this time around, it is only women that practice loving their husbands in marriages. Keep on saying the truth because the truth is bitter. They can call you names all they want but don’t mind them; you are doing a good job.
-Gift Onuoha, Lagos
My dear Kate, do not be scared by some irresponsible men and women whose main responses to your Saturday’s write up is to castigate, instigate, poor poisonous venoms on you. They can’t learn nor will they take time to study your wisdom filled relationship write-ups. May you never lack wisdom as you spice up my weekends with your teachings.
-Okwu Geotrade Okafor, Abuja
My dogged writer, ours is a society perverse with age-longed inhumane and unbalanced thinking, perception and cruel societal norms. You are already applying the antidote via your pungent and analytical presentation of truth. Your resilience, persistence and unyielding stance are already producing positive results through feedbacks from your numerous readers. Your consistency will surely get us to the promise land.
Well done Kate. Women should know that they can get married to Christ or to men or to their careers. Parents shouldn’t see their daughter as disappointments because they are not married. Above all, husbands don’t come because one is making effort towards having it. Sometimes, it takes luck or God’s favour for a woman to be married.
The true concept of love eludes today’s woman. I asked my woman who often bores me with her tantrums of how much she loves me, why do you love me? She replied because I care, referring to material benefits from me. I asked again what happens when I no longer have the wherewithal to care for her? No answer came. Please educate today’s woman what true love entails, that is if you know.
-Patrick. O. Lagos
Whenever I read your gender biased column always in support of women, I ask myself if you do all the things you tell other women to do. Are you married? Do you know what it means for a man to choose a woman among so many women throwing themselves at him? Do you think it’s easy to pay bride price and take care of a family financially? When you get married, then you can write about marriage and finding love. Until then, keep quiet.
-Mr. Kenneth Obi, Abuja