At 43, I have the embarrassing problem of premature ejaculation. My 36-year-old outspoken wife and partner complains of my inability to satisfy. She now shuns sex. I fear I may lose her, but I love her so much. Thinking about sex now is a nightmare to me.
Please help me.
– John Jasper James Alapere, Ketu, Lagos
A large number of men have this complaint of premature ejaculation or PRJ, which is defined as situation when a man finishes sex (has orgasm or ejaculates) before the wife finishes or is satisfied or has orgasm. While the secondary (or recent origin) type is caused by an infection – usually of the prostate and must be properly treated by a competent doctor to be cured, the primary type (of long term, which begin when the man starts having sex) of PRJ is usually psychological and due to inexperience or over-excitement at the pleasurable sight of a woman.
Tackle it this way
1) Get your wife’s co-operation by sitting her down and admitting to her that you have a problem, which she holds the key to helping you solve. You need a wife, a committed and understanding partner, not a termagant of a girlfriend. This, apart from protecting you from AIDS and STDs, helps to guarantee success. She realises that there is no alternative to you. You are in it together. And you should spend and have time to work together on the project of making you the type of man that will easily satisfy her, so she and you can be as happy as you deserve to be. Commitment is the key.
2) Now listen to this very important key: Women are naturally slow; much slower than men in getting to the heights of sexual arousal, satisfaction or orgasm. So start to work on your woman a long time before sex. Compliments (nice remarks, praise, appreciation) works wonders on women. No criticism, no trouble before going to bed. This puts her in the right mood to sexually ignite faster.
3) In bed, forget yourself and concentrate on her. Men almost always do not need any foreplay. But women need it like hell. So spend very good time arousing your woman as you hold her close, kiss her, whisper sweet nothings. Touch her and gently stroke her body, as she directs you. It’s like bringing her up to the sexual height where you have already climbed.
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My complaint about African doctors
Dear Dr. Bibbi,
Your write-up on the subject of Organ in Bondage/Sexual Inadequacy in the Daily Sun recently refers. It made interesting reading. I am worried that some Africans medical doctors do not take the spiritual aspect of ill health into consideration while managing cases. As a result, when you make your complaints they tell you that it is psychological, especially when sexual problems are concerned. It is sad indeed.
I have a similar problem to that of the writer of that piece. I got married in December 2013 and since then it has been one form of spiritual attack and the other. It has been oppressed by witches while sleeping, finger-mail marks on my body, multiple sex dreams with unknown partners, two fatal motor accidents, and now I find it difficult making love to my wife because my organ will not rise or become erect!!!
Since we got married, we have believed God for the fruit of the womb but surprisingly I find it most difficult to make love to her during her ovulation.
Once my wife and I have this sex dream it becomes difficult for me to get an erection. The size of my organ becomes so weak and very smallish. Just as written by the complainant in his letter, I have to beg and rub my organ before I can manage a weak erection sometimes. All these are the opposite of my former self before I got married.
My type of job takes me away from home for a week and gets me off duty for a week. If I am alone in my station I wake up almost every night to see my organ strongly erected usually about 1.30am-3.20am.
I am a born again Christian; so all we have been doing is to get into stubborn and aggressive prayers. But the more we pray the more the problem gets tougher. The joy that greeted our marriage is almost disappearing. We are weeping, bruised and heartbroken. We consulted a medical doctor (gynaecologist) who put me on PROVIRON, to solve the problem and, yes, the first three days of the ingestion of the drugs it worked, but thereafter it was as if the drug was working the opposite of what it was supposed to do. (I have taken the drug for about three months now.)
How can orthodox medicine explain that? I must tell you that some persons (my former girlfriend who is Genotype AS, same with me, as well as the guy my wife had relationship before I met her) put obstacles on our ways to stop our wedding but God saw us through. They even threatened that if I married my wife our marriage would not last. Certainly out of ignorance, I did not take their threats serious; but now I know better.
Doctor, it has been a difficult time for my wife and I. Our problems are no doubt purely spiritual and we have taken it like that. We have taken our case to the supreme court of God Almighty. We believe God is able to deliver us and give us victory, in Jesus Name.
– Vincent Kaiagama, Yenagoa, Bayelsa
Consider – 1) Doctors, African or not, are doctors; not priests, pastors, clerics or shamans. They do not have any training or exposure in school to the things you are talking about; so, they cannot and do not handle such matters. 2) Doctors are trained in physical sciences and psychological sciences; full stop. Nobody teaches them about the spiritual and it is not the fault of anyone. 3) The scientific basis or way of thinking that is the root of their training does not recognise anything THAT CANNOT BE SEEN or PROVEN PHYSICALLY.
4) You will agree that the kind of understanding you say is lacking among doctors is more available in church or seminary, Bible, Quranic or spiritual school. 5) In point of fact, because the average African understands these things without any doubt, African doctors tend to be more understanding than their western counterparts in these cases. 6) For you to get not only a sympathetic hearing, but also help to get rid of these your troubles, you need the rare professional who combines an understanding and proficiency in these two worlds that seem antithetical to each other – the physical and the spiritual.
My book, ‘Destroying the Strongholds of Witchcraft” will help you and anyone with challenges such as you have mentioned. But I must commend your dogged and fighting spirit and assure you that with this affirmation of your stance and a willingness to follow instruction, you will get there, as we have helped many before you.