As you must have read, nomination/application is on for the Nigerian National Merit Award. A public statement issued by the Governing Board and signed by its Assistant Secretary, said the deadline has been extended to April 25, 2019.
Praise the Nod, somebody! Whereas in the past I have nominated others for the forthcoming National Merit Award, in this year’s I have decided to have a change of mind: I nominate myself for the award.
You don’t agree? Who cares whether you agree or not? No matter how many stars there are in the firmament, every one of them is bound to find a space for itself in the dark sky, no bi so? So, what’s your own as to who I nominate or who nominates me?
I hope the Acting Secretary, The Presidency, Nigerian National Merit Award, Merit House, No. 22 Aguiyi Ironsi Street, 3rd Floor, Maitama, Abuja, to whom we are asked to address, seal and deliver our nomination/application form and supporting documents, is reading this and taking note?
Nominators must not make public the names of nominees. On this one, I will open my eyes and fail the test, without much ado. Oh no, I change my mind. You know what? If you are reading this article, close your eyes the moment you come to the point where I mentioned my name. Pretend as if you didn’t see it. That way, it can be proven that I didn’t make public my name. After all, if you didn’t see the name, and the other fellow didn’t, there’s no way you can prove that I ran foul of that law.
Successful candidates will be notified about the outcomes of the process between October and November 2019, to be followed by an official public announcement latest two weeks from the date of investiture, the public statement read.
Oga Acting Secretary, you had better include my name in the list of successful candidates o if you want us to continue to be friends.
Now why am I nominating myself for this year’s merit award? For surviving the last level of governance! What did these eyes not see? In fact, it came to the point that you didn’t know whether the electricity people or those in charge of “light” are actually billing you for current you used or otherwise for hours of darkness and heat that you endured. In fact, it got to a point you felt like asking them to create two bills: one for light, and the other, you guessed right, for darkness. And, why should you be in darkness when there is light everywhere?
Another reason that I nominated myself for this year’s merit award is for surviving Boko Haram and herdsmen attack in the first level of change. As you all know, we defeated them technically. I am sure with the expected change of service chiefs, we will defeat them mechanically, AK-47 to AK-47, Kalashnikov to Kalashnikov, IED (Improvised Explosive Device) to IED, in sha Allah.
I also want to be added to the list of those who will receive the national merit award for surviving ritual murderers and kidnappers. Actually, they tried but my God passed them at the evil forest in Imo, Abia State, Benin, Rivers, Ondo, Balyesa, Taraba, etc, and, iberiberism of all iberiberism (apology to Governor Rochas Okorocha, our newest wordsmith and lexicographer), they passed with the skulls and blood of those they had killed. I sori for them!
As for kidnappers, each time they wanted to kidnap me, they kidnapped ordinary air. The first time they tried it, they kidnapped lizard. The second time, they kidnapped cockroach. The third time, they kidnapped the owl. The fourth time, they kidnapped the cobra. At that point, they gave up hope of ever kidnapping me. But determined to carry out their nefarious dream, they tried kidnapping me one more time, but ended up kidnapping a chameleon. If you want me to take you to the witchdoctor that ‘cooked’ me with the original African magical concoctions, I am ready. My consultation fee: 1 million dollars. Agreed?
The nomination/application has the following format:
1. Names of candidates: On this one, I didn’t bother to state any name, for obvious reason. I simply entered my name
2. Citizenship: I am a citizen of no mean city
3. Contacts: Through the First Level of Change
4. Field of Endeavour: Farming, agriculture and cattle-grazing
5. Details of Basis/grounds for nomination: A statement, preferably by the candidate, of between 250-500 words, specifying/defining and clearly illustrating in concrete terms, not generalities, what the candidate considers his or her contribution to knowledge in his/her field of endeavour/specialization to merit consideration for the award: suffering and smiling/original sufferhead.
6. Nominator: Myself
7. Has the candidate been previously nominated. If yes, why? When I came to this point, I didn’t know when I stood up and shouted a loud no to nobody in particular before I realized that I wasn’t supposed to say but to state it.
8. Candidates who have been previously nominated should state new grounds or additional works done since last nomination: I am being nominated for the first time, so that rule does not apply to me.
Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, while we wait for the final list, I need to warn that nobody should play mago-mago or the game of inconclusiveness with my name. That is to say, let nobody put my first name in the first level, and my surname in the next. Assistant Seke, please, check the list of nominees, no one resembles my own. So? Nke anyi bu nke anyi (Our own is our own). And, what title do you think I should be given? Great Survivor of the First Level of Change (GSFLC). If you don’t have such title yet, a beg create one. We need it.