Venerable Josiah Kosi Eziaghighala and his wife, Chinyerem Obianagha wedded 22 years ago, full of love and deep, mutual admiration for each other. However, differences arising from their diverse cultural backgrounds posed some stumbling blocks to the harmony of the union.

However, the two lovebirds who met and proposed to and accepted each other in the church, found a solid rock in their common faith in Christ and biblical foundations and values for marriage, to surmount the hurdles. Twenty two years down the line, and on the occasion of the 50th birthday anniversary of the woman of the house and mother of seven, Chinyerem, the couple shares their experience with Bianca Iboma and Favour Gurah, stating how they had anchored their love relationship  on the Creator’s injunctions and how that has kept the family united in Christ. 

Can we meet you?

Husband: My name is Venerable Josiah Kosi Eziaghighala, I am from  Ezihe Isiala Mbano in Imo State.

Wife: I am  Mrs Chinyerem Obianagha Eziaghighala. I am from Okija in Anambra State.  My primary and secondary education was in Enugu. I was brought into the world the day they threw bomb on the Niger bridge in an attempt to scatter and destroy it. I was brought into the world at Biafra Maternity Home, Fegge Onitsha to the family of Mr Michael Njemnobi and Mrs Rose Ojoyibo Ofojua of Ugwucheleku, Ubahu Okija. That was the atmosphere at my arrival. That war did not consume me or my parents.My mother trekked all the way from Onitsha to Okija in an attempt to escape from the increasing tension.

How did you meet your spouse?

Husband: I met her in Lagos, she was introduced to me.

Wife: I met him in the church. Someone introduced him to me.

How did he proposed to you?

Wife: At a church meeting

Husband: I spoke to her the moment I saw her. I didn’t give her the opportunity to think about it. I made her accept the relationship because I was interested in her the moment I saw her.

What was your reaction?

Wife: I was surprised when he proposed, because I was part of the deliverance ministry team and a meeting was scheduled. My focus was the meeting, I never knew God had something in store for me at that meeting. I was just prepared for the meeting but God’s blessing came and I was amazed.

Husband: I was excited when she accepted to be my wife. I had this conviction and believed God would perfect it and He did.  She is beautiful and very attractive and I wanted her as mine. When she accepted, it settled everything.   

Can you share the initial turbulence you experienced as young couples, considering the fact that you came from two different cultural backgrounds?

Husband:When a woman is newly married, she wants to control her husband. It is natural, because there is the feeling she has at that moment. This man is mine and she becomes possessive of him. But  the man resists her at the initial stage, with time she begins to learn and adjust. My wife had to learn, because I taught her in love but resisted her control. She had to know her place, though she is a very sincere person. It is  a normal thing, every man passes through this but, he has to put on his thinking cap to surmount it. When a woman wants to exercise control, the man should be patient and correct her with love, because if he exercises his might and resists, it will cause some friction. Later they  would blend because the meeting point has been discovered . We were able to overcome it and understood each other more  with time, because, we came from different backgrounds and had our own separate moments. We studied our lifestyles and adjusted. Marriage is a process.

Wife: I had issues with my husband because of the cultural differences. I am from Anambra and he is from Imo State.Despite the fact that we were both Igbo, we had some cultural challenge.There are some cultural practices in his place that  is quite different from mine. It took me some time to understand him, naturally I am a blunt person, I would have said something before I realized it, but with the help of my husband I was able to balance things.You know as a woman, I have to bring in my own cultural belief to the home, but my husband had to use the Bible to tame certain attitude and I began to learn. My effort as an individual would not have helped the relationship, but God in His mercy gave me the wisdom I needed to managed the home and it has been blissful by God’s mercy. 

What is your take on marriage?

Husband: Marriage is a great institution. Marriage vows must be taken seriously as well. The Bible clearly states the mind of God pertaining to marriage. God’s view on marriage is high, spouses must understand that marriage is a lifetime plan, not a convenience that can be disposed of in a lawyer’s office. The love of  a husband and wife is, at its best, a hint of the deeper love between a human being and God Almighty. Marriage should be given honour and spouses must remain faithful to one another in marriage. Let your spouse be  a fountain of blessings to you.

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Wife: As a couple you should do your best to make your marriage succeed. The right mind and a tender heart is needed for couple to find fulfillment and divine joy in marriage. Wear love everywhere you go, I wear love everywhere I go, it makes you have peace. 

Divorce is so common that people hardly think or see it as tragedy, what is your take?

Wife: Almost every marriage starts out as a huge celebration.Together with their family and friends, each couple is full of hopes and dreams for their future life together. But the road to a happy marriage is far from the word easy. Many couples opt not to complete the journey because of cultural differences. The high rate of marital failure can be blamed on things like not spending enough quality time together, allowing bitterness and resentment to build in the hearts and failing to keep communication lines open, all this and many has made couples,  who once were attracted to each other no longer have romance for each other.

When they met, it was love all true, why have they quenched the fire? Why the sudden change and they don’t want to live together after few months? All they say is divorce, because their once cherished partner is no longer attracted to them. They forget that every aspect of their marriage relationship needs to be improved constantly. When there are marital challenges before it becomes  crisis they can dialogue and settle issues before it gets out of hand.  

Husband: These days a large number of marriages end in divorce before their 20th anniversary. When you asked these couples they were in good relationship and may say that they rarely argued. Why do they end up getting divorced within 20 years of their nuptials? Some marital challenges if not managed properly result into divorce, despite the fact that God hates divorce. Problems can arise when it comes to money, the way they spend. If husband and wife have different values, one may like to save and the other wants to spend, if they can’t meet at the centre, when there is a breakdown of trust. An ex-partner’s attention can create tension, difficulties in establishing honesty in a relationship.

What are some of the things that strengthen marital relationship?

Husband: Communication is a very vital tool in any marriage relationship. Most problems are caused because partners lack communication. Every problem can be traced back to both partners. Although one person starts breaking the law and the other follows suit. In situations like that when a spouse fails to abide by these laws, marital problem begins. When you focus on yourself, chaos steps in. But when couples spend quality time together, they won’t be struggling to spend time with each other, it happens naturally. Couples should pray together as they begin to do these things, every thing changes automatically and the desire over you and your partner improves.The problem begins to change, anger and resentment fades away and naturally they will spend more time with each other and things that normally cause problem would be discussed and nobody would want a divorce once the home is peaceful. However, such changes do not happen overnight. Marital relationship is bound to face trials, ranging from financial pressures and other issues that include child rearing, among other problems that are beyond our control. When the marriage relationship is committed into God’s hands, the couples would make a conscious decision each day to put God first in the marriage. You will have plenty of fun together. Divorce crops in when couples are irritated, no fun or love in their midst. 

Wife: Marriage may not be as easy as you thought, but a lot of people who are successful with it have had to put in more effort and are usually rewarded with longevity, satisfaction and growth with one you love. One of the things that strengthen marital relationship is being the best partner possible. At times it is not fair, at times it hurts; it can even be lonely. It involves choosing to love your spouse whether he or she deserves it or not. It involves continuing the initial vows you made when you began your marriage. Couples should begin their day with love.They should always wear their wedding rings visibly to remind them of their commitment to each other. Go on a date with your spouse once a week, even if it is just for coffee, just dedicate time for each other. You must accept your differences. The chances of changing a spouse is normally slim. They should be more polite to each other. Some people accord more respect  to their co-workers, clients than the ones they love. Harsh words and action should not have any place in your home. Always put on a happy smile, give, no matter how small it is. A pat on the back, or a soft caress of the cheek can show love connection. Ensure that your conversation goes beyond co-ordinating schedules and talking about the kids. Take time to talk about ideas and dreams. Also, you can find something daily to laugh about. Life is complete with laughter.

Tell us some vital recipe that  can restore family values and make the home warm?

Wife: We solve problems differently. Women express themselves differently. Humans react differently to things. A woman needs to be very humble to keep her home. Few years into marriage, people begin to feel that their spouse has changed dramatically since they walked down the aisle. In this marriage relationship, my husband and I have been able to keep Jesus Christ central in our relationship, because only him can help our marriage succeed. As we both look to the saviour as the ultimate example of how we should be, we are happier as his representative. Serving others has always been a significant part of my life. When I am serving alongside with my husband, we feel even closer to each other, our hearts are incredibly full from our marriage experience and we have grown to be closer from serving together in God’s vineyard. I have tried to support him in every way I can. You have to re-discover some of the youthful vigour that characterised the early stage of your relationship. The biggest sign that your marriage has lost its spark is when communication fails and it can take many forms. Special occasions may no longer be noticed and interest in intimate behaviour lessens.

Marriage is the single most vital relationship that one should treat with much importance.  The marriage relationship is more important than the relationship we have with friends, co-workers, hobbies, work, phones, parents, siblings even our children. Once the children understand this, it will actually increase their own security. There should always be a healthy  balance between your own things and our together stuff, it is hugely valuable.There are things I enjoy that my husband  would really not have any interest in, there are things he would like that I would not be interested in too, but in all, we have a healthy balance in our marriage relationship. He makes mistakes, I  equally do a lot of them. We are not perfect, and do not expect perfection. We are supportive of each other taking time to do those things that would keep our home united and the love waxing strong. Marriage requires patience, encouragement and forgiveness, holding unto grudges would not benefit anyone. Also in marriage compromise is essential. It is not a matter of who is right. It is about meeting somewhere in the middle between where we are both coming from.  I speak positively, when I see my hubby, he is the best father I know and I show him how I feel about him. Whenever I make him feel great, he is motivated to do more and behaves better, because he is motivated. Men wants to be treated as kings, you have to celebrate your husband, make him homemade meal, traditional foods he enjoys, it helps. Speaking negatively about your spouse is harmful, you must honour and respect him, even if there are issues that come up between us, it stays between us and we work through our struggles together instead of going outside to others. 

Husband:  Communication is everything in marriage. I don’t expect my wife to read my mind, I talk to her. I learnt few years into the marriage relationship that expecting her to just know what to do all the time is funny. Humans are complicated, you have to spell it out.This is how I feel and why I feel this way. I tend to be straight forward and go all over just to express things. We respect each other’s communication style. My wife encourages me to open up more. She is an only child, I have rubbed off on her and that has made her better about getting to the point whenever she needs to get there faster. Understanding each other’s love language has been extra-ordinarily helpful. In marriage relationship couples should know their spouse’s way of expressing love, maybe it is verbally with expressions of gratitude and praise, but if the spouse expresses  love in an act of service, like filling up the gas tank, then the spouse is better about it. One of the things that has guided this relationship is evaluating the relationship from the biblical point of view, it helps us stay on track. We normally have a good heart-to-heart talk, we talk about our weaknesses as couples and how we can enhance it in various areas where we have missed it.

What’s your advice to intending couples?

Wife: I have learnt up to two thousand things or more in this 22 years old marriage. Young couples should date, it is very important. The purpose of them dating is to get to know about each other’s company. How they can cope with certain characters and nurture the relationship right. Even as married couples, you still date each other, that is what keeps the flame of love burning.

Husband: Young adults who intends to be married couples should prepare for marriage. They have to follow biblical teachings to build the relationship. 

Today, your family is celebrating 50th birthday anniversary of your wife, how do you feel?

Husband: My wife’s 50th birthday celebration is appropriately big for me and the kids. I have to make it a memorable one, for her because of the experiences we both had faced. She was not a material kind of woman, but I really want to show gratitude to God Almighty. I am really thankful that He kept her for me. Birthdays only come once a year and this particular birthday of my wife is a grand celebration. I just wanted to show her how much I care. I met my friend Chinyerem 22 years ago. Sharing pretty much the same world view, we have been great friends ever since. I celebrate this special year for her and I’m so grateful to God. 

Wife: I am so grateful to God because the challenges I had experienced, nobody would believe that I could reach the age of 50. I had five Caesarian operations out of the seven children I gave birth to. The fifth operation almost claimed my life, but the mercy of God  sustained me. Why won’t I celebrate? I am celebrating today, not because I want to show off, it is not a show of pride, but the celebration of God’s grace and faithfulness.