Let me start with a confession. There are certain things I can’t do. Not that I would not like to do them; I just don’t know how to. Like spelling my name. Cooking(?) water. Counting my achievements. Believing Lai, sorry, lies. Worrying about or expectng actuslised promises from some politicians. So if you like, say I can’t perform in those areas.
Yet, I do some things very well. Like robbing engine oil on my scaly legs. Sleeping with eyes closed. Being stupid like members of Blind-loyalty Suporters’ Club (BSC). Looking harassed like Dino Melaye. And being as edgy and extra-careful as Buhari in Trump’s backyard! You can say I perform on those areas.
Every new husband wants to prove that he has what it takes to be called a man. He borrows extra to satisfy his new madam. At night, he might try extra hard to “do” the needful. His football-watching time suffers, as he struggles to satisfy “iyawo” by reluctantly watching Telemundo and Zee World! Friends may complain but what does it matter. The young husband is only trying to be seen as “performing”. It happened to me. If you doubt, ask my Boss Lady!
Well, performance isn’t a new word in Nigeria, since 1999. After every 100 days in office, every government wants to be seen as performing. Even in a God-forsaken economy, where everything, including “pure water” has been deregulated, “performance” becomes the issue back-to-back. January to January. And on May Day, more than any other day, every government – Federal, states, local – relapse into the offending refrain of self-acclaimed perfomances. Each tries to outdo the other before the workers. Piling more empty promises onto years of unfulfilled others.
Each time I try to copy them, my wife brings me back to reality. For her, my performance is always in doubt.
Wife: Honey, why can’t you “perform” a simple domestic chores? Like removing the white hair from your moustache and smiling at the children?
Me: Because I am the president/ governor of this house. When you are in my position, “performance” is in the mind. And it’s as simple as intimadation and talking big – (like boasting before friends or in press statements); calling the kids (or anyone who disagrees) names, and; pretending I need N20million ear treatment! Anyway, as for smiling, I always do in the toilet. I smile at the foolish face in my mirror. And never mind my white hair, dear, they they are truly Nigerians. So hopelessly malnourished!
Oh, by the way, I learnt the above secrets from a new book by Buhari, et al. and the 36 Guvs. The earthshaking work co-autored by some governors – including Emmanuel – is entitled: How to Lead Without Performance. Performance, the authors argue, is not necessarily visible in a demoncrazy. To view it in any form, one must be in the power circuit. The chop-chop group. The masses only read of it in the papers. Or watch on NTA and other state-owned TVs. Still, it would be unfair to say Baba and his 36 governors have not been performing. That would be tantamount to suggesting that someone has been “working” on their behalf in za oza room. To the best of my knowledge, their wives have never complained. Well, at least, not publicly!
But then, who can argue with our pilots? Well, renowned nobel laureate, Wole Soyinka, hinted in a May Day message that our main pilot might be missing in action. No longer on seat. No longer in charge of this flight called Nigeria. Incompetence? Distracted? Well, the open truth, he says, is that Nigeria is on auto-pilot, right now! And the pilot’s seat has “been turned into a family game of musical chairs”, an eerie parallel to a certain plane disaster in which all the passengers died in Spetember, 1994, involving Aeroflot Flight 593.
Perhaps, the pilot thought his performance was at the zenith and needed no caution. He felt self-concieted and above board. His family members with him in the cockpit must have made his head swell in admiration. And adulation. Head floating in the air like the fairy, he walked away from his main territory into another land, “saluting” the “passengers”. So, when the original flight pattern was annuled and the auto-pilot disengaged, the pilot wasn’t in charge. Death came quick!
Me? What do I know sef! But I swear, my “performance” goes beyond the bedroom. I can brush my teeth on my own. Labour to read the scroll on the TV screen and watch NTA and AKBC news. If those are not “performance”, then Udom Emmanuel’s achievement does not include the collapsed Reigners’ Chapel building.
I really do not expect any man to admit that he can’t “perform”. It doesn’t matter if your son turns out to resemble your landlord. Performance is performance. And even non-performance is a form of performance, abi? So, our president and governors have been performing. Depression, inflation and recession are performance, jo! Non-payment of salaries; owing pensions; unemployment, etc are all part of performance. You are now at liberty to qualify it – negative or positive; poor or good. Anyway, wisdom demands that even if our leaders perform well, they should not let it go into their heads. For if they perform well, a better performance would still be expected of them. And if they preform badly, they are expected to make the people feel the impact of what they promised during campaigns.
Performance – “to fulfill a promise or obligation” – isn’t an easy thing. “To carry out an action or accomplish a task” takes a lot of goodwill, determination and guts. But it takes more of those for anybody to point out that you are not performing. So, when the masses – particuarly the workers – accuse the various govenrments of non-performance, I offer them my grandmother as Labour Day gift.
Everybody claims to be performing. Including my mother, even when she can’t run from kitchen to dinning table. Buhari claims he’s performing creditably. He told Trump so, few days back. And Trump praised him some. Governors also claim to have been performing. Check out Okorocha with his ridiculous trademark mantel. He even wants to pay sleeping allowance. And I agree with them all. But it depends on what they perform, state or bedroom functions? What’s the result? Seen and felt projects? Masses-oriented democracy dividends or big-headed claims and kids that would “inherit” the rigging, sorry, ruling dynasty to our detriment?
Performance? Everyone’s offering tips these days on how to make your pockets perform. Well, agreed, it’s a way to survive the economic downturn. They tell you it doesn’t take much to save a few bucks here and there, even when they’re struggling to breathe. Some banks, trying to performing fantatically, offer you opportunitites now to make money by helping them operate mini-pay outlets.
They and many other companies claim they’ve been “performing” more than my grandfather who had three wives. Yet, regulatory bodies like CBN say somebody’s exaggerating his “performance” ratings. I swear, the last time I checked, it wasn’t me. On my own, I am alright, thank you! By God’s grace, I’m still “performing” my best, don’t mention!