I was once a front desk officer at an agency that was into skills acquisition. A lot of people, both single and married come in everyday to make inquiries and possibly enrol to learn either tailoring, hair dressing, interior decoration, knitting, bead making, or catering.
I saw young married women who reluctantly came with their husbands and it almost seem they were practically dragged to come learn a skill even though these women were not interested one bit.
Some of these men were always visibly frustrated and angry because their women just want to be complete house wives. And Instead of allowing them continuously lounge at home and not add any value to themselves, they bring them to learn a trade at least to keep their minds busy and productive. Yet, some of these women are com- pletely uninterested.
To be fair, some women opened up to me that they would want to go back to school as against just learning a skill. They claimed their husbands promised to send them to higher institutions before marriage but renege on their promises after the wedding. These men now want them to acquire a skill instead, hence their lack of interest. I also saw women who are complete house wives against their own wish drag their husbands to the center and ask that we help them persuade their husbands to pay their fees just so they learn a skill. Most of these men were reluctant at first, but sometimes give in to the demands of their wives when we encourage them to give it a try.
In all my observations when I worked at this agency, I asked myself salient questions such as: “What exactly do people discuss during courtship?’
You meet someone you like, you go out on dates or speak on phone often, what exact topics do you discuss? Aside genotype, name of their village, sex and how many kids you would like to have, what are his/her dreams and aspirations? What are their short and long term goals? What kept the relationship to the point you asked her to be your wife? What exact future did you see in the relationship that made you accept his proposal?
I’m asking these question because I have come across a lot of day dreamers with no drive, no ambition, dislike work hard, chronic pessimists and generally lazy men and women whose only ambition in life is to get married. The irony of it all is they love the good things of life but are not ready to put in the hard work required to get them. Why would any one in their right senses choose such liability for a life partner?
As an ambitious person myself, I want a man that I can look up to, someone that inspires and motivates me. I want to marry somebody that has achieved some level of success in whatever he does, a man who knows and is willing to teach and help me reach for the stars. So, when it comes to relationship, I must see a certain level of drive in a man. I would like to further my studies to PhD level some day, any man who will not encourage me to go for it and inspire me to do more is not part of my marital destiny.
I don’t have a future with a man who says he prefers a stay at home wife, neither do I have a future with a man who is comfortable earning just little with-out much efforts. I can’t afford to take that kind of risk because I will wake up every day unhappy. He will definitely be irritated because I won’t stop telling him to move out of his comfort zone. So, when couples are having conflicting drive and energy in their marriage, I wonder what exactly they knew about each other’s dreams and aspirations before marriage. Unmet expectations is top on marriage biggest tragedies.
If you are an ambitious per- son, look for some level of drive in people you date or wish to settle down with. Some people have no drive or ambition what so ever. They just want to sleep, wake up, earn their twenty thousand, fifty or even hundred thousand naira monthly salary, while some are okay with the little profit from their businesses. They are always ready to leave back to their villages if push comes to shove in the city as against trying harder.
These people will take ‘no’ for an answer when they are turned down once. They are quick to believe “it is how God wants it”. Any attempt to encourage or push them to go the extra mile to better their future is seen as disrespectful or controlling. They are just comfortable not doing much or earning just enough to keep food on their tables and pay their rent in just about any cheap neighborhood.
If you are ambitious and aiming for the top, look for a partner with same drive not the one who will want to dim your light to feed their insecurities. Reality has shown over time that growth is not for everybody. Some people just want to stay the same forever.