They were barely married for four months when he beat her to death. That’s the kind of beastly behavior now a common place in our society. And I am really very emotional about it. Take a look around, what you find these days are women dying in the hands the men they love. If Nigeria were a country with adequate data, I am sure we will be recording at least a death to domestic violence every week and probably about 30 in a month. But we have no records of accurate statistics. When such death happens, it goes down like every other one before it.
Domestic violence is becoming epidemic and I think the public outcry is not enough, the media hysteria is not enough. Like every other epidemic, domestic violence is curable. It only requires a frank and fearless diagnosis. We can no longer sweep domestic violence under the carpets as if it doesn’t exist. Leaving this scourge untreated is not an option.
I am afraid if we keep reacting only when there is a death, the rate of the fatalities will continue to soar high. So, today I am going to be blunt as ever, if you are in a violent marriage, leave now. Don’t wait until he carries you in a body bag and dumps you in your father’s premises before you make a move. Don’t wait until you become handicapped or disfigured before you make that decision. If you are being crushed emotionally, mentally and physically by a controlling partner, leave! Stop being paralyzed with doubts, leave him. Stop listening to pastors or Imams who know nothing about marriage counseling. Run to a safe place. Stop listening to family members who tell you to endure. Endure what? Endure kicking and punching? Are you in a marriage or competing in a Wrestle Mania? At this point, your life is more important than any other thing; so, take your bags and run away from that monster you call a husband. Marriage is a contract signed by two living people and not for dead bodies.
I am tired of hearing stories of men being slaughtered by their wives. It breaks my heart more when I hear stories of women being killed by their husbands. If your marriage is no longer working, leave! Stop patching things.
Forget all the lies they are telling you, not all marriages can be fixed. If you have tried all you can and it is not working, get out! Every adult should know the danger signs when you see it from afar. Marriage is not a do-or-die affair. Being a Mrs. is not an achievement, safety of your life is the most important thing. Forget the gifts, vacations, the hearts, and the blues he plays to beg for forgiveness.
Listen to that buzz in your head. Stop listening to your heart now. For the sake of your children, leave that monster. Gone are the days when women say that they are staying in a bad marriage because of their children. That is a lie! What kind of children do you want to raise in a dysfunctional violent marriage? Do you want your son to become a beast like his father or you want your daughter to become a weakling like you? Do you want your children to think a violent-ridden marriage is the way to go? Woman, stop thinking about yourself alone. Flush down every emotion you still have for that beast you call your husband and start thinking of how unhappy these children are. Children growing in unhappy homes will contend with lifelong negative impacts, as domestic violence leaves permanent scars on them.
A few years ago, a friend of mine in a violent marriage told me his three-year-old boy will always tell her to run away whenever his father starts beating her. Domestic violence is a toxic and dangerous misfortune that affects everyone involved. Even when children are not suffering directly from the psychological trauma, it affects their emotional make up. A child’s brain development can be jeopardized by living in an abusive home because of the stress affecting his sensitive developing mind. So, stop feeding yourself lies, staying in a domestic violence home isn’t doing you or your child any good. It is better you are a single parent than staying there. Quote me anywhere, if your life is on the line, choose life and walk away from that bad marriage. Take your children along and if he won’t let you, go and come back later to fight for your kids. You won’t die alone. I know it is a tough situation but this will only make you stronger.
For crying out loud, what kind of marriage are you into? When things are good, your husband will be charming; he will hold your hand in public, open doors for you and he will even kiss you in public. But when things turn bad, you have to live with the constant criticism, the sulks, the explosive rages, intimidation, isolation and punches.
What sort of miserable marriage is that? You are lonely in your marriage and it will get to a point when you will start doubting your reality. Then, you will start blaming yourself. “Maybe it is me?” Every time you keep saying sorry to him even when you know he is the one who wronged you. Yet that won’t make the punches stop.
The harder you try to please him, the more the rains of punches on you. You become scared in your own home like a prisoner. Gradually, you lose your confidence and your self esteem. Moreover, most controlling spouse makes you financially dependent on them so that they can have total control. The monster keeps messing with your head until he begins to live there and you are utterly confused. So, I am writing to plead with these women: if you have found yourself in this kind of situation, start planning your exit.
I am not going to write how you will plan your escape here because the monsters are reading aswell. You can give me a call if you are ready to leave. Please, I will only pick calls from women and not men. Moreover, you need a solid plan and support when leaving because this is the most dangerous time. He is going to come haunting you, threatening and also persuading you to come back to him. He is going to wail, cry, and throw tantrums like a toddler. He will tell you no one will love you as he does. So, you need a strong support system. Probably a friend or close relations who will help you think things through when emotions get overwhelming. You need strategic planning.
However, calling all men bastards won’t bring any solution, it will only let you have reasons to stay with the one you call a husband. If the truth must be told, not all men are bastards. There are good men who are really very sweet. Also, saying or listening to people who tell you that all marriages have their ups and downs will only keep you in that shitty relationship.
Stop listening to people who have no clue about what you are going through. The religious people will tell you that there is only one way into a marriage. Even if there is only one way into marriage, break it when your life is being threatened. Yes! There is always an emergency exit in every standardized building. Get out, if you no longer feel safe in that marriage.
All the fears he has been feeding you with that you are unlovable, ugly, useless, ugly, fat and lazy are not true. They are just the consequences of living with a man with a twisted mind, a man who will resort to using his fist when all the bile he is spitting out fails. Many men don’t have to beat their wives to get things done, they don’t need to.
Excuse! I am not here to speak sweet things to you today. Neither I’m here to say what the average Nigerian out there wants to hear. I am here to blast you out of paralysis of doubts. However, the good thing about this is that after a while the beautiful liberating days are coming when he will be totally out of your system.
That morning when you wake up you will be glad you are free from the shackles of the ‘monster’ who has been tormenting you all these years.