Your husband one day stopped eating food at home. He also stopped contributing to his children’s upkeep.
From keeping late nights to actually not returning home some nights. You asked why the change and his answer is “nothing” or he’s tired of the marriage. No explanation given. He just wants out.
Not long, you got home and found his clothes and shoes all gone. Your calls to his phone were not returned neither were your messages replied. You reached out to his friends and family, they told you to just pray for him and be patient.
Months later, you found out he actually moved in with another woman. He never called to check on his children or even contribute for rent or their school fees.
You heard he is to marry the lady he moved in with and you planned and even attended to disrupt the wedding by announcing that he is your husband. Unfortunately, you got there and got snubbed. He told everyone your marriage to him was over. You actually left there in shame.
Many years later, your run away husband shows up at your door asking for forgiveness. He wants you back in his life. He didn’t just come alone, he came with his friends, family, traditional ruler and even your pastor and they kept harping on forgiveness and how you should take him back and put the devil to shame. That he was not in his right senses.
I know some women will celebrate his coming back like that of the prodigal son, but I make bold to say that I’m not one of such women. I’m deliberate about how I have chosen to live my life. I’m irritated when we use religion, people in power, family members etc to blackmail women into accepting back men who did not only cheat on them but are sometimes physically abusive and even abandon their family for ages.
Family, friends, society and religious leaders often ask the abandoned or abused woman to be patient and prayerful that her husband would change from his bad ways someday. “Men are polygamous in nature” they say in a bid to justify his promiscuous behavior.
Will they keep up the energy if a woman does same and wants him back? It’s very unfair to be soft on men but very hard on women in matters of marital infidelity and irresponsibility. It is the reason some men are neck deep into such wickedness.
The reason a man would abandon his wife and children for years without any form of communication or contribution to their welfare and show up later to tell her he wants her back is because he knows she is abuse compliant. He knows she will still be waiting for him and will take him back. All it will take is to apply little pressure. And pressure in this instance is to show up with religious leaders, men in authority or family members and she will cave
I’m a preacher of forgiveness but I don’t believe in blackmailing people into forgiving those who hurt them. It is their right to either forgive or not to forgive. I do not also believe that forgiveness requires taking him back, she can forgive him and also refuse to take him back.
If your husband abandons you for reasons best known to him, move on as well. He should never return to meet you where he left you either emotionally, psychologically, financially or otherwise.
Go on dates, fall in and out of love, remarry, divorce, birth more children if you want, get another degree, and even a PhD. Just keep striving for excellence. Don’t just tie your happiness to a man who has made his choice.
Refuse to be that Nigerian Woman of old who was raised to be abuse compliant. Don’t be a sad prayer warrior, praying for a man out there having the time of his life with whoever tickles his fancy, while you pray and wait for his return many years later after wasting his youth and resources.
Don’t be that woman who celebrates a runaway husband after many years of tears and agony while he wasted his youth with other women and returning his already worn out body looking for who he trusts would take care of him at old age.
This is not a war against men, this is war against abuse. A lot of people see love as consistently enduring the pain they deliberately cause you. No! Such is not love, you are under emotional bondage.
You don’t need to go through pain and discomfort to prove your love for anyone. Love does not require suffering to be validated. If you allow people play around with your emotions and you stay put making up excuses for their wickedness towards you, you are self sabotaging, selling your self short and have no regard for yourself whatsoever.
Enduring your partner’s inhumane treatment is not love. Love thrives on reciprocity. So, if they love you, they will make deliberate effort to treat you well too. There must be conscious and visible efforts by the parties involved to make it work. Love does not exist in isolation.
When you come to the realisation that your sanity and peace of mind comes first, then you have reached a certain level of love called self love, it is something everyone should strive towards. If your partner abandons you, don’t pray or wait around for them. You move, it’s for your own good and growth.