Given my hostile reception in all these primary schools that I visited, I couldn’t bring myself to visit Kwankwaso Primary School

Chika Abanobi

Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, when I heard that all the presidential aspirants were asked to go for or go through primaries before their party members could select who would represent the parties in the presidential election (elation?) taking place next year, I was flabberwhelmed and overgasted when I got to the school l where I had my primary education, Township School, Ihitteafoukwu, Ekwerazu, Ahiazu-Mbaise, Imo State, to announce that I had come for the primary elation and every teacher turned and began to look at me like Lucozade.

One of them even had the effrontery to ask which of the parties that I belong. I just closed my eyes and told him Pi Dee Pee. He said they had no place where I can do the needful, that is, peeing di pee. No convenience, Sir, he said. I asked whether he had inconvenience then. He nodded. I said, in that case, he should give me some APC tablets to drink and I would be just fine from the nagging headache I seemed to be experiencing. He spread his hand wide and said, no dispensary. What on earth, are you talking about? He said he doesn’t know.

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Ok, if you don’t know, could you help me, please, check whether the presidential aspirants, especially from APC and PDP, are in any of the dilapidated classrooms because, as you learnt, they had been asked to go back to the primary schools from whence they came to wait for instruction as to whether they would be allowed to participate in next year’s election or not. Please, help me check if President Muhammadu Buhari, Atiku Abubakar, Bukola Saraki, Aminu Waziri Tambuwal, Rabiu Kwankwaso, Sule Lamido, Yusuf Datti Baba-Ahmed, Alhaji Attahiru Dalhatu Bafarawa, Ibrahim Shekarau, Ahmed Makaarfi, Alhaji Ibrahim Dankwambo, Kabiru Tanimu Turaki, David Mark and Jonah David Jang are hiding in any of those classrooms.

The cocky teacher said he was not too sure that I heard what they said correctly but later added that, if, indeed, they had been asked to go back to the primary schools they attended to wait for further instruction, as I claimed, then the best place to look for them would be in those primary schools. On hearing that I asked a drone I saw flying above me to pick and drop me at the primary school attended by President Muhammadu Buhari in Daura/Maiaduwa (1948 – 1952).

I am looking for Baba, our Presido, Muhammadu Buhari, I told the teachers I met. I learnt that he had been asked to come here for his primary elation, I added. Not here, one of the teachers said. Hey, hey, hey, he laughed. “See this man,” he said, “we are not aware of such directive. Maybe you should check Middle School, Katsina. He also attended it as a part of his primary school education from 1953 to 1956.” Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, you could imagine how I felt when I got there only to find out that no primary elation was taking place there.

In anger, I stormed out of the place and headed to Jahad Primary School in Jada Local Government Area of Adamawa State, attended by Atiku Abubakar. Abeg make una help me look in one of the classrooms, I told the teachers. I learnt that Atiku is hiding somewhere here to wait for his primary elation. One of them shouted, Kai, menini? And, before I could tell what he was up to, he ran to one of the corners to pick up a bow and an arrow with which he threatened to shoot me with, if I don’t leave the school the way I came. I did. Shege, he shouted after I had left.

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My next port of call after that was Corona School, Victoria Island, Lagos, where Bukola Saraki had part of his primary education from 1966 to 1972, before finishing up in Kwara State. Did you guys, by any means see Saraki anywhere on this premises, I asked the teachers. I learnt he has been asked to come here for his primary elation. They looked at me quizzically before rushing to call their security guard or gateman, but before they could come back I had scrammed from the place for dear life.

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Given my hostile reception in all these primary schools that I visited, I couldn’t bring myself to visit Kwankwaso Primary School and Gwarzo Boarding Senior School, Kano, attended by Rabiu Kwankwaso, Gidan Makama Primary School, Kano, attended by Ibrahim Shekarau, LA Primary School, Makarfi, Kaduna, attended by Ibrahim Shekarau, Tambuwal Primary School, Tambuwal, Sokoto, attended by Attahiru Bafarawa and Aminu Tambuwal, Central Primary School, Gombe, Gombe State, where Alhaji Ibrahim Dankwambo had his primary education, Nasarawa Primary School, Birnin Kebbi where Tanimu Turaki had his, Elementary School, Tudun Wada, Zaria, attended by Yusuf Datti Baba-Ahmed and Junior Primary School, Du and Senior Primary School, Riyom, attended by Jonah David Jang for fear that somebody may, out of anger, pour on me hot water.

But when I got to St. Francis Catholic Practising School Otukpo, Benue, attended by David Mark between 1956 and 1961, my trouble returned in double fold. “This man, are you well upstairs?,” a schoolteacher wearing a funny-looking moustache asked me. “I am well upstairs, I responded, “but as for downstairs, I can’t say for now. They said this rain that has been falling for hours and days in recent times have flooded everywhere with rain water, including the downstairs. So? I may not be well downstairs. Or, better still, some people may not be well downstairs, but I am definitely not one of them.”

Ok, if David Mark did not come here for his primary elation, I said, then that’s the reason I am here. He asked whether I am here for direct or indirect primary. I said how can you see me here and you are asking whether I came for direct or indirect primary? Is the school direct or indirect, I wanted to know. He said it all depends. “If you passed through the gate and oiled the hands of the security men at the gate, which needed some oil to make it work, otherwise it might get arthritis and refused to work, then it is direct,” he explained. “But if you climbed through the fence and came in through the window to distract pupils engaged in serious studies with their teachers, then it is indirect primary school.”

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Re: Okorocha appoints me Commissioner for Laughter

Hon. Commissioner, you are actually doing your work. I laughed to stupor and fell on the good roads your Oga is doing in Okigwe, Imo State. In Ebonyi, my own state, laughter is natural. Ask your Oga to visit our state for a fact-finding tour and smiles will, naturally, come his way.

Onu Victor, 08030918192, Isiama Onicha, Ebonyi State

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Reactions are welcome from readers