You must have read how an Assistant Superintendent of Customs, Nura Dalhatu, promoted himself to the rank of Deputy Comptroller-General, and penultimate Monday, walked into the waiting office of Comptroller-General, Hameed Ali, to claim that he was directed by President Muhammadu Buhari to take over from him.
I told you people so, that delay in releasing the ministerial list of the next Federal cabinet is going to throw up a lot of things. For those who don’t know, this is just the beginning. So? Let someone tell our Presido to release this list very fast, otherwise what he sees, he should take. If he continues to delay in releasing it, don’t be surprised to see a drunken man with one bottle of Odeku in one hand and a stick of cigarrette in the other, walking into the Ministry of Defence in Field Marshal uniform and announcing to bewildered staff – lieutenants, captains, majors, lieutenant colonels, colonels, brigadiers and major generals that, in light of the general insecurity in the land, he has been appointed by President Muhammadu Buhari to man the post of Minister of Defence or something higher than that.
Let me see that man or woman who would be so bold to ask that he be sent to a psychiatrist for a medical test. Medical test in the midst of widespread insecurity, of kidnapping and armed robbery? Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, I would be one of those to oppose that. You mean we are being killed and kidnapped or kidnapped and killed, put it whichever way you like, left and right, and all that you are thinking about is how to send me to psychiatric hospital for putting on the rank of Field Marshall of the People’s Army?
Dem no born you well! And, if I may ask, who among us is qualified to be outside psychiatric hospital? The policemen attached to Environment Task Force in Lagos? Could you tell me, in half a sentence, why they should be busy pursuing Okada riders and seizing their okadas or motorcycles, their only means of livelihood, while Boko Haram, ISIS terrorists, kidnappers, herdsmen, bandits and ritual murders are going about harassing the hell out of us? So, we have enough security men to deploy for such a task while on the other hand we are complaining of lack of adequate manpower to confront our enemies hiding away in various forests in Nigeria?
And, you have the gut to ask that I be sent to a psychiatric hospital to have my head examined for wearing a Field Marshal uniform? Between me and a well armed policeman or officer pursuing an okada rider to ‘kidnap’ him and his okada along Ikeja Along corridor or other places in Lagos or Nigeria, who is supposed to be sent to a psychiatric hospital? Between me and a heavily armed army officer or soldier, custom man, immigration officer, Nigerian Defence and Security Corp (NDSC) who are busy manning illegal checkpoints and collecting something – you are the one that called it bribe o, I didn’t – and putting in his pockets or sending to the overall Oga to thank him for being foresighted enough to send him to that checkpoint, I ask: between me and them, who is supposed to be sent to a psychiatric hospital?
So, you want to send me to a psychiatric hospital? How many terrorists have you terrorised, to use our friend’s way of speaking. Don’t tell me you don’t know the person I am talking about. You do. Our big brother, Prof. Jerry Gana, who else? So? How many kidnappers have you kidnapped? How many armed robbers have you armed or robbed? How many bandits have you bound? And how many herdsmen have you herded?
Now, if you have achieved none of the above internal security goals since we started hearing the sound of AK-47s and witnessing the extensive destruction of lives and property by Improvised Explosive Devices (IEDs), between me and you, who should be sent to a psychiatric hospital? Let me see that army officer or soldier who would come to tug at my Field Marshal uniform and see whether I would not go into Sambisa Forest to hire some Boko Haram terrorists to come and answer the question he is asking me!
That’s what I think okada riders should do too. Just gather yourselves together and begin to watch out for those policemen harassing the hell out of you. The moment you see them coming towards you in their operational vehicles, you send about 10 or 20 of you running towards them and shouting, “Boko Haram, Boko Haram, abeg make una come help us,” and see whether they would not abandon both their operational vehicles and the okadas they had seized, remove their uniforms, throw away their guns and canisters of teargas and find their way into the nearest motor park, bus stop or market.
Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, the way things are at the moment, I don’t think we need a General any more, retired or serving, as the Minister of Defence or Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff. If you ask me, we need a Field Marshal in those positions. Drunk or sober, it does not matter. In fact, the more drunk he is with power, the better for all of us. Think about it! With our soon-to-be-appointed Minister of Defence clutching a bottle of beer in one hand, and a stick of cigarette in the other and smoking like a chimney as he sleep-walks his way from one side of the road to the other, you can be sure we will soon be rid of those pesky irritants called terrorists, kidnappers, armed robbers, bandits and ritual killers.
Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, appoint someone like that into the position of Minister of Defence or Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff, and see whether you would see any of these characters strolling about with AK-47s, Kalashnikovs, Improvised Explosive Devices (IEDs), charms and amulets, any more in this country. All that he needs to do is to give a shoot-on-sight or is it “at-sight”? order and you would see some of them heading towards Mali and others to Niger Republic, Chad, Morocco, Senegal and Cameroon.
And, if, for one reason or the other we feel or think we can’t do so, why don’t we employ the services of association of witchdoctors in Nigeria? Imagine paying them some good money, billions, no doubt, and sending them into all the forests in our country to invoke, with their magical powers, bees, big, big ones that sting like hell, cobras, lions and hyenas to attack the terrorists, herdsmen, bandits, kidnappers, armed robbers and ritual murders wherever they are hiding. Imagine what would happen! Imagine the number of dead bodies that would emerge from the forests. Imagine the quantity and haul of arms and ammunition they would come back with to equip our army. Imagine the amount of money we would get to beef up our economy and stop inflation from running away with our hope and future! Imagine how secured and free everybody would be! Just imagine! With patriots like that, who needs a Minister of Defence or Interior or Internal Affairs or Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff, in the next cabinet?