A lot of men neg women they want to have relationships with. They do this subtly without the women they are asking out having an idea of what they are doing.
It is sad that some ladies think this is normal. There’s nothing normal or healthy about a guy negging you while asking you out. It is a form of emotional and psychological abuse.
Ladies should be aware of this tactic employed by some men so that they can bring these ladies down to their level or make them feel grateful for being approached by guys they would normally not give the time of day to.
Negging is a flirting technique that is laced with low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances. This technique basically thrives on backhanded compliments.
It is a harmful way to treat another person because it demonstrates contempt for the other person and their feelings. It is dismissive and degrading to the other person and can eventually undermine their self-confidence.
Usually the person doing the negging is insecure in their ability to attract someone without putting them down. They also don’t feel good enough on their own: they need to put other people down in order to feel better about themselves.
Statements like: You are so beautiful but you need to lose weight. I love my women slim and agile, you are really smart for a woman, I prefer dark babes but something about you made me break my rule as well as you are so opinionated as a short woman, what would have happened if you were tall are undermining comments that some men use on women to reduce their self worth.
Guys who neg women pay them compliments but at the same time, try to make them feel inadequate or try to chip away at their self esteem. The idea is to make these women feel undeserving and unworthy, so they will think these guys are just managing them.
It is an emotionally manipulative trick practiced by many men and it is done with such subtlety and finesse that you won’t even know you are being insulted or that your self esteem is under attack. Before you know it, you start doing things just to please the guy negging you.
Women need to be aware of the signs of negging so that they don’t fall prey to guys who employ this emotional abusive tactic just to get them to feel grateful for having these guys in their lives.
One of the signs of negging is that his compliments don’t feel quite right with you. You might not be able to immediately pinpoint what’s off about them, but the things he says to you feel a little strange.
Something deep inside you might feel mildly insulted, which at first might be odd since you could have sworn he was trying to say something nice to you.
But in reality, that’s kind of the point of a neg. It’s an insult disguised as a compliment, intended to lower your self-esteem just enough that you won’t feel “out of his league,” but not enough that you will flip him off and walk away.
Another sign of negging is that he emphasizes that you are not his type. The purpose of negging is to bring you down to a guy’s level. He wants to make you feel like you should have to win his favor, not the other way around.
So he might say something like, “I don’t normally like slim women, but you are pretty cute!” Seems innocent enough, but what he’s really trying to do is make you work harder to show him that you are worth his time, since he would have you believe that your weight is already working against you. It sounds ridiculous because it is.
In a healthy relationship, your partner will be supportive and accepting of you, and want to help you through your problems rather than criticize you for your mistakes or even for things you can’t change, like your appearance.
When your partner over-criticizes you, it demoralizes you and reduces your self-esteem. You then try to change yourself to please your partner. This pattern of behavior of constant criticism from your partner is a form of control to diminish you and make you dependent on them. It creates a negative pattern in your relationship that will continue to spiral until you leave.
If he gives you suggestions on how to fix your flaws all the time, he is negging you. A guy who negs would never want to turn you off so much that you avoid him entirely, so he has to make you feel like you have a chance with him.
In his mind, the best way to do this is to critique things which you can change about yourself. He wants you to make small changes about your body so that he can be attracted to you or stay with you.
He makes you feel like he is the only man on earth who would appreciate you. One way that guys who neg try to crack your self confidence is by making you feel like they are the only option you have.
Be on the lookout for phrases like, “Not many guys are into girls with tattoos, but I think you are so hot.” In a way, he’s pinning this neg on other men so he can make himself stand out as the good guy even when he’s really the jerk.
He compares you to other women. This is a subtle tactic that can seem like a genuine compliment if you don’t know to look out for it. The guy will use something about your personality or appearance to cut down when he notices it in other girls, but say that you pull it off well.
Put your guard up if you hear him say, “Not many women can pull off that lip color, but you look great in it,” or, “Athletic girls are normally weird, but you are really cool.” The idea is for you to feel like you are walking on thin ice, that one slip-up will put you right into the pool of those lame other girls.
He contrasts his first impression of you with his current impression of you. This technique is designed to make you feel self-conscious about the first impression you give off. The guy wants to keep you on your toes, lest you slip up and reveal that he was right about you. If you hear something like, “You looked like one of those typical slay queens before I got to know you.”
He makes comments that aren’t insults but still make you feel insecure whenever you are with him. He might casually point out things that he knows you will be insecure about, like, “With the way your forehead looks, you look just like a kangaroo without your wig!”
He knows you are already self-conscious about your forehead, and he wants you to know that he has noticed your greatest flaw. What he is doing is trying to make feel grateful for his being in your life despite your wide forehead.
He brings attention to the efforts you make on your appearance. Do you wear makeup, dye your hair, or get manicures? Apparently, that makes you a prime target for a neg. The guy will throw you a line like, “I love your hair. Is that your natural hair colour?” or, “Your nails look cute. Are they real?”
This is supposed to make you aware that he knows you are not completely natural or something, but all it really does is make us think he’s confused for going for a woman who he considers not natural as against the many ladies who prefer their natural look.
Sometimes, people are just genuinely too busy to hang out. But if you are seeing someone who is always too busy for you and makes no real effort to meet up or plan dates, that’s a red flag. By making himself seem unavailable, he makes you feel unworthy of their time, which is a definite negging move.
Claiming to be busy all the time is a desperate attempt to show their pseudo-importance. A man who is so busy shouldn’t be dating in the first place or flirting with a woman. If you have noticed that your partner displays signs of negging, the best thing you can do is address the issue head-on by telling them what you have noticed and ask them about it.
Your partner’s reaction will say it all: if they are shocked, upset, and willing to work on their behavior, then it might be worthwhile to give them a chance. But if your partner dismisses your feelings and refuses to take any blame, that’s your cue to get out of the relationship before their controlling, manipulative behavior escalates.
Breaking up with someone is not easy, but you are better off single than with someone who’s trying to ruin your self-esteem and make you dependent on them. Don’t tolerate negging in your relationship, you deserve love and happiness.
Re: Ways to boost marital satisfaction
Just read your very balanced piece: Ways to boost marital satisfaction. I have accepted the fact that you are a self-acclaimed core feminist championing the cause of women who obviously are vulnerable in our clime.
I am a feminist but not a core feminist. I know that there are certain cultural and traditional practices that favour the men and oppress women.
Some of these things are entrenched and would take education, persuasion, tact and the cooperation of male feminists to drive the fight and accelerate gender equality. It is a phase by phase thing and you will agree with that a lot of progress has been made so far.
-Barr. Emeka Onyeokoro
Writing these things about marriage as a single lady makes me fear that men will think you know it all and feel marriage to you is a challenge.
-Mike Yenogoa, Bayelsa
Sometimes, you try to pretend to write a balanced article, at other times, you launch an attack against men. Stop deceiving yourself, you man hater. You better go back to your ex and stop encouraging women to challenge men. Men and women are not equal so there can never be gender equality in this world.
-Obinna, Aba