My people, I am so excited right now and I am in an owanbe mood, because our legal system has given me a reason to throw a party. I will be having the wedding of my dreams soon! Yes ke! If the court has declared all local government marriage certificates illegal, then I think this is a great opportunity for me to have the most glamorous wedding ever.
When I got married many years back, weddings were not as glamorous as they are now. I had always consoled myself that I would have my dream wedding when my daughters get married because my wedding was actually my mum’s dream wedding. For many Nigerian brides, that’s what we went through, my mum and I had a lot of arguments but because mothers know best, I let her be.
However, I am a lot older and things have changed. First and foremost, Leboo (my husband) and I will be having a pre-wedding shoot. I think we’ll choose Obudu Ranch, the romantic destination of my dreams.
The reason, I will be using this place for our wedding shoot is because the theme of the shoot will be Adam and Eve. I have never been to Obudu Ranch but I am so sure they have enough apples there, because that is also significant for the shoot. And for our costume, you will have to wait for the photos to see what it’s like.
After the pre-wedding shoots, my friends will all have a bridal shower for me. I understand this should be a surprise but this is what my surprise should be like. You guys should contribute money and rent a Yacht.
I want all of you to be dressed in white flirty dresses with sailor’s hats, while you will get me a pink dress with a golden crown. We will take beautiful pictures and splash them on all social media platforms; you know our clique is “the pepper dem gang.” We’ll show them how to do bridal showers.
Besides, an A-list wedding planner will plan the wedding and she will engage the best vendors. Mind you, I will be having a destination wedding; this time in Dubai. But how will I juggle two venues? You should all know this is not my fault; it’s the court that canceled all local government marriages. Okay! I think we will have the court marriage at Ikoyi Registry and then fly to Dubai for reception.
At the reception, we will be having amazing golden dinner tables and beautiful white marquis’ seating, like the ones fit for kings and queens and my cake will be 25tiered textured gold wedding cake. My dress will be a gorgeous off shoulder dress with gold details and a big bow as the tail. You see, I love dramatic dresses and this is going to be a dress with a lot of drama. Leboo and I will be coming to the reception in a grand style on a white chariot.
However, Leboo will find out about this wedding on the pages of a newspaper like you are all doing. But let me leave this my dream wedding aside and ask some critical questions.
Does it mean that all our children were born out of wedlock?
Can you imagine, 10 years, 20 years and even 30 years of fornicating with your boyfriend and girlfriend?
For all you Christians brothers and sisters who didn’t defile the bed when you were courting, sorry o! The law says you have been fornicating, you guys were never married.
This means we will have to go to the mountain to ask for forgiveness.
If Jesus should come now, we will all go to hell fire straight on!
How many seasons of fasting will help us wash these sins away?
That Mrs. appellation that has been sharking us all should be changed to Miss and I think we should all go back to our fathers’ houses and start all the courting all over again.
Moreover, a director in the Ministry of Interior said they have written to embassies not to give out visas based on such marriage certificates again. So, there is no hiding place for anyone. The law is supreme, so we all need to go and right our wrong.
If you know you fall into the category of people who had weddings at the local government, the law has been stated out for everyone to understand verbatim and so let us all go to the accredited registries to validate our weddings before the law. Everyone knows I am passionate about women.
Please if you know your in-laws are not very cool with you, quickly tie your wrapper and go do the needful. Sis, what is his favourite food? Start cooking it for him from today till he agrees to go with you.
Give him all the sex positions he wants, as long as you are comfortable with it. Please, this is not the time for feminism here; secure your marriage for yourself and because of your children.
I understand there will be a lot of bottlenecks, because a lot of people will be doing the same thing at a time but it’s worth it. You don’t need any elaborate ceremony. Also, I understand there is another option, I was told that you could take your wedding certificates back to the local government where you had yours and they can help you revalidate them. Try any of these options please.
Meanwhile, let me go and look for sponsors for my dream wedding because Ebenezer Obey must play and BankyW must sing that his new song at this mega super wedding coming up soon! Watch out!
Re: He impregnated you and didn’t marry you. So what?
Nice piece Bola, in this modern age of vast knowledge and wisdom, it’s necessary to define any form of friendship and relationship, men and women alike should be able to accept or take responsibility of their actions. Unwanted pregnancy my foot yet the sexual pleasure was wanted abi? Things like this happen when a relationship is undefined and one is carried away by infatuation. May God help us all.
–ZUBBY, Owerri, Imo State.
I have been enjoying your column since you debuted and it reminded me of my younger days as a freelance writer lambasting women in the ‘80s and being called names just like you being labeled a feminist but see what you made of your piece of May 28? May your ink never dry as l have added your column as part of my Sunday morning after service top-up to my Abakiliki Sunday rice.
–Tony Enyinta, Isuikwuato, Abia State
Thanks for that write up about pregnancy I read on Sunday. Please tell them if only they want to hear, because some women’s brains are like a baby’s. They can fall for any man who is not ready to marry them, provided the man has money. Women love rich men too much and that’s why they can win them and penetrate their oil well as they like. May God protect them. Carry on.
Your piece on the subject was well balanced. If they didn’t believe, that which seemeth right to a man the end thereof is calamity. My dad told me before his demise that any road you choose to follow, the end of it, is your choice!
Your analytical sense on relationship issues is so proactive to ignore. Many young ladies who are victims of rejected pregnancies, must have suffered from failure of their parents to give them required training while they were adolescents. Although a few of them who had the training but still fell victims might have done so on their human right provision at maturity. In our days as young children, many of us, boys and girls, attained maturity in secondary school still having about two or more years to sit for WASCE. And those who opted for Higher School Certificate would spend two extra years. So, unlike these times when children graduate from universities at twenty or less years, graduates of our era were matured, well nurtured beings. So, many social malfunctions have indoctrinated adolescents these days.
My sister easy! That your write up is too strong and harsh to a heart that dearly needs comfort and healing. Have you forgotten nobody is infallible. Be flexible and comforting. Thanks
I follow and read you every Sunday. However, this is the first time I would be commenting. You are a God-sent humanist who provides succor and solutions to man’s carelessness and stupidity in sexual and or in love relationships. For me, a man who asks a girl to abort a pregnancy he is responsible for is a fool, just as a girl who agrees to an abortion from a man responsible for her new status is a moron. Nevertheless, let me appeal to all men of good conscience to always remember Almighty God in whatever relationship they have with the female folk. God Bless.
–From Hon. Citizen Dr. Ikenna Samuelson Iwuoha, Owerri, Imo State
Bolatito, I give kudos to your mom for bringing you up nicely. You’re without blemish. I called my undergraduate daughter to read He impregnated you and didn’t marry you. So what? Every mother should pass it on to her daughters. Thank you very much for the beautiful article. Are you married? You will make a good home. God bless you. May you pen never run dry?
–Lady Judith from Enough, 0803***3623.