Hello Njigirl
Thank you for your effort in helping relationships with your advice. I am 20-year-old lady, and I just got admitted into the university. For this reason, I had to leave my boyfriend who by the grace of God will be my husband. My problem now is that it has been one month I left him and though we communicate a lot and renew our vow of love to each other every now and then, I found out that there is a change. I no longer have him in my thoughts and I no longer care what he does or doesn’t do.
The things occupying my mind now are school, meeting new friends and having fun. I know that he loves me a lot and promised to marry me; he is also my first and only man. I am scared because considering the way I feel right now I might fall prey to temptations in school and thereby lose him but again I don’t intend to make my stay in school dull simply I have a fiancé waiting for me. I am still young and want to have all the fun I can get now but I don’t want to lose him because he is very special to me. What should I do?
ν Tee
Dear Tee,
It seems to me that what you are asking me is “how to eat your cake and have it too.” What this means is that you want to be free to party and have fun with single unattached people even though you are not quite free or unattached. Did you two take a vow of attachment and commitment? If you did then that vow binds both of you to each other as a matter of integrity and decency. If you did not then it is really about how you want to regard him as far as including him as a vital part of your life. Did you have an engagement party with your man and did you invite people to witness the occasion?
Well if this did not occur then what is left is simply “good faith” that you will both abide by your feelings and intentions. Unfortunately, feelings and intentions are not tangible and therefore not easily enforceable.
As for you, it is okay to let the “university pass through you as you would pass through it.”
What is important is that you are able to find balance to deal with all those pressures from schoolwork, friends, sports, social life as well as time for your boyfriend who is back home. You need to be able to commit to calling him, writing him, visiting (if feasible) and maintaining a healthy relationship with him. I must warn you though; long distance relationship is not an easy relationship to manage or sustain.
As for him, you may not know if he is able to keep his own end of the bargain. Do you know for sure that he is totally committed to you? How do you know that? Let me also tell you something: your relationship will never be the same way it was while both of you were together in the same environment. The fact that you are now preoccupied with school and other social activities is likely to bring some elements of change in your relationship. On his end, since he is unable to see you all the time, this will also bring some change to how he views his relationship with you.
What you both need to do is to analyze your commitment to each other and decide if you are willing and happy to be together all the days of your lives. If so, you will be cautious in how you interact in school. What I mean is that you will still enjoy life in the university but not as a carefree single lady but as one who is betrothed (as in the old days).
Good luck,
ν Dr. NJ
