No prize for guessing and no pun intended, Nigerian politicians are a special breed. They are so different I believe they were not created by God, or if they were then they must be part of the batch that forced him to regret creating man. Stop arguing, stop laughing (whichever side you belong): there are no other politicians earthwide like those who ply the trade in the world’s most populous black nation. The Nigerian bunch are just uncanny in their daredevilry, hypocrisy, crudity, hate and overall satanness.
To be sure, there are a few Nigerians who play the game but are neither in the game nor the game in them. The tiny, tiny minority are not loud, not perennial, and not political. Those are not politicians, at least in the Nigerian sense. This entry is not about them.
Our focus is on you know who: the noisy, flamboyant, juvenile adults. The class of people on whom education does very little as both the educated and uneducated talk and behave in sync. I don’t know how they do it, but they (all of them) are blessed -sorry, cursed- with a tongue that’s both razor-sharp and lightening-quick. As if permanently high on something, they can publicly accuse even their family or co-partyman let alone opponent of abominable sins and crimes -and that, without any evidence whatsoever.
Who abuses the electioneering soapbox more than the Nigerian politician? Imagine announcing that a particular opponent slept with someone’s wife and, wait for it, that one of her children may indeed be his. Or that another opponent is a murderer or kidnapper or thief. In all cases, the crowd cheers; history records and life continues.
Then something gives or shifts or both. The accuser and the accused suddenly find themselves together in public or in the same party or camp. You are silly to expect more verbal fireworks or for them to go physical with some uppercuts here and there because all we have ever seen so far, all we keep seeing and all we would always see from both the mocker and mockee are wide smiles, loud laughters, warm (?) embraces, and sundry lovey-dovey nothings like clinging, holding hands, etc. Unfortunately, that is not the only hyperstrange concomitance.
Two or so should suffice for today. First, Nigerian politicians are not alone in this shameful foolhardiness. The law and its agents are with them; so too the media and indeed the masses. Ever wondered why even the most sordid political allegations or mockeries or confessions (for example of walking sticks, that is if you know what that is a euphemism for) have never been taken up or called out?
Second, no one is immune; no matter how old or highly placed or what ethnic group. For instance, Politics Nigeriana allows a Fulani to mischievously question the Nigerianness of own brother, especially if the puerile bragging rights embedded in ‘I am more educated’ failed to reduce the decibels of calls for judicial critique and ruling on a presidential ballot. This is not in support of the other Fulani, though. He too is as good as can be, shooting from the hips when in the mood.
Furthermore, even the church and the mosque complete with their inmates (you must catch my drift) are trapped in this political cul-de-sac. In Nigeria, you hear political pronouncements and endorsements from the pulpit of God, and you wonder if Satan still needs his. This is no laughing matter. Our politics and politicians have not only destroyed our commonwealth, they have damaged our very essence, and desecrated our core values in a way that we may never ever recover.
Yet, we continue to sheepishly love, endure, celebrate, recycle and urge them on. We know they are mediocrities but we allow them to foist themselves or be imposed on us. We are alarmed, horrified and scandalised by their character and conduct and words but every time we turn the other eye and the other ear and the other nose. That’s how we have helped to grow their monstrous audacity; from worst to worster!
The scoundrels have corrupted all of us. The edges of our sanity and morality are now blunt. We are no longer shocked or repulsed by anything. Everything is all right so long as it is of, by or for us or somebody up-close-and-personal.
Gong forward -actually we are going back to the business of the day: how are these guys capable of stomaching or evincing this much bestial ugliness on the one hand and on the other the velvet smiles and seeming friendship we know them for? Why do Nigerian politicians lie, pretend and deceive as effortlessly and ubiquitously as they do? Why do they wave or laugh off this character flaw so easily? And, above all, how are they able to sleep soundly every night?
Or, is nature also on their side? Perhaps, these leaders-miss-road would have changed had they been experiencing sleepless, nightmarish nights. By the way, political footsoldiers need to learn from the devious stratagem of these evil paymasters. They instigate a fight and their boys jump on board the bandwagon only for them to tactically withdraw and in fact publicly end hostilities while the poor followers continue to stew in their hate.
We, the people of Nigeria, can help these politicians and by extension ourselves and our country by holding them accountable word for word. We should henceforth insist on clean politics as well as for enforcers and implementers of the law to oversee campaigns without fear or favour. All the other strata of society should consciously enthrone and dethrone compatriots based on the sole criterion of all-round excellence. This is the way to go except we want this ugly trend to continue.
God bless Nigeria!
What happens to a Nigerian’s brain once in government? (2)
If you remember any Nigerian politician who fits into this context, simply email me something (s)he said or did. Do not mention names, please. Only entries devoid of insults and not exceeding 50 words would be published in our June 3, 2019, edition.
Mention what you think is responsible for this anomaly. Also, please, discuss possible solution(s). Remember to include your name and address!