Why are you the way you are? Who injured your mind, body and soul? Whose behavior or ill treatment has injured you psychologically? You hate what you are doing to your loved ones, yet you can’t stop it, you keep doing it and blaming it on your past.

It was a live phone -in programme on radio,  ‘If you have an opportunity to ask one person that is no more a question, just one question, who would that person be and what question would you ask that person?’ This was the question people were to call in on air and answer.

I went deep in thought immediately, I tried to figure out in my head who I would love to ask a question. My mind went to my cousins Matthew and Faith, I would love to ask them what happened that they left us at very young age, below 20, but those were just my thought, I had no intention to call in on the programme.

There were several callers who mentioned names of those they would like to ask a question. Some wanted to ask Michael Jackson why he didn’t raise anybody to replace him when he’s gone?

Some also wanted to ask their late relatives if heaven and hell is real, while others wanted to ask their parents why they didn’t leave them any property or inheritance.

But one caller stood out that day, he called in and told the presenter: “I would love to ask my father one question. How did you do it? How were you able to go through life without giving a hoot about us? You know the reason I am saying this is because I am now a father, I have a beautiful daughter and I don’t think I can go a day without my baby girl. I have to know where she is and what she’s doing. She’s the reason I live and work everyday, to love, provide and protect her. So, yes, I would love that my father tell me why he was never there for us and the few times he came around then, we couldn’t wait for him to just disappear because he was mean and unapproachable”

The emotion and passion in this young man’s voice was chilling, both presenters and  listeners felt his hurt.

Most of us are raising kids that will one day  ask us questions, and maybe we won’t be around to answer them and it may also be too late for them to unlearn (offload) that which we downloaded into them, whether consciously or unconsciously.

A little boy of 10 once asked his father ‘Daddy, why do you always beat mummy?’ The father was dumbfounded, it just hit him really hard that his son was learning and even wants his father to explain the behaviour that should be rewarded with a beating. There and then he promised his son never to hit his mum again because it’s wrong for a man to hit a woman no matter the provocation

Today, parents are raising kids with so much sense of arrogance. They watch us talk down the gateman and house helps, in the name of correction. Some parents raise kids in homes, like garrison commanders. In such homes, parents and kids don’t mix, every issue is to obey before complain. Kids are afraid to approach their parents on issues bothering them, even when they are sexually abused and molested by uncles, aunties, cousins, care givers and even neighbours right under your noses  but because they are afraid to tell you for fear you may make them feel even more miserable by your reaction.

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Parents hurt their children’s self esteem by constantly bringing them down in the presence of other kids and will never stop comparing them in a demeaning manner with their contemporaries. While some suffer inferiority complex due to such unnecessary comparison, others turn deviants, they just become the wild ones.

Your kids may blame you for their own inability to treat their partners right, because they watched you treat either of their parents like they meant nothing, you ran down your partner in their presence.  Now it has rubbed off on their own relationships with the opposite sex or their married life. A husband who hits his wife and a wife who talks down her husband, they learnt it somewhere.

The many dysfunctional people we see today are cases of dysfunctional family upbringing. While few people who were raised in dysfunctional homes succeeded in unlearning the behaviour through deliberate and conscious efforts, majority practise whatever they learnt as kids all through life, always irritable, unapproachable and mean.

Do not spoil your kids silly by never saying ‘No’ to their numerous frivolous demands, just because you suffered lack as a child. They are growing up believing life is that way, that any form of ‘no’ is not to be taken lightly. They will grow into men and women with huge ego and will go to any length to get a ‘Yes’.

Your kids should respect you, but should not be afraid to approach you. You should never be parents that once your kids hear the sound of your car or footsteps, they withdraw into their shell and speak in hush tone. Respect is for life and even beyond, people outgrow fear, and they will never be afraid of you forever. They should respect you, but never be afraid to approach you. If your children can’t approach or talk with you, rest assured they are talking to someone else, and that someone may be taking advantage of them.

Hey you! Yes you, isn’t it time to quit the blame game? Yes, they damaged your psyche, their behaviour made you develop a low self esteem or made you a deviant, you feel hurt and you keep blaming them, the blame is justifiable, I agree, but isn’t it time to quit?

No one has ever won any trophy dwelling on their hurt. Unlearn that behavior conscuiosly. You hate them for what they did to you, yet you are doing same to your kids and your partner, must the vicious cycle continue? Break that cycle, Let what you suffered growing up be your reason for giving every child around you that sense of humanity, let them experience that love, affection and attention you were denied of while growing up.

Your anger and frustration on the past should never be taken out on the living who have nothing to do with your past. They may be the reason for your healing, start practicing in reverse all you learnt growing up. Try to be emotional and show it, learn to correct in love and understanding, be there for them and if for whatever reason you are unable to provide for their financial needs, be emotionally intelligent enough not to be withdrawn or be sadistic. Communicate more with them, correct them when they are wrong and never compare them to other kids who are doing better than they may be doing for that’s where jealousy and inferiority complex reside. Learn to say sorry when you are wrong.

Be a proud parent that your children will always ask in joy and awe: “how did you do it?”. Be their hero, a rare gem, turn all the negative energy you generated as a child into a positive one now. Let the healing begin today.

Don’t be ashamed to seek the help of a therapist if need be. Let’s heal our past.