(Continued from last week)
Couples may have conflicts in handling their money. Owning too much of it by any of them may diminish trust. The richer spouse may not like to disclose all his money. A spouse may also not disclose what he earns. No spouse is happy when the family cannot pay its bills. Money, though a good servant and a bad master, may not be the issue but the extent people allow it to control them.
It was when I was ministering in Onitsha that a man asked me whether I wanted a woman to know how much money he had. “No,” I told him, “I didn’t say a woman, I said your wife”. A US couple divorced when the wife, who was doing two jobs, refused to disclose her salary for the second job, yet she was driving her family into debt through excessive loans.
Conflicts may arise where a husband is fond of donating huge amount of money, say N5 million, to the church or charity, but scarcely gives his spouse N500 for break. Donations may not reflect one’s love of God but made to attract honour, especially where donors are made public. Buying unbudgeted fabrics may also cause friction in the home. The defence has always been that someone wants to take advantage of price reduction or favourable terms of payment. It should be discouraged. The virtuous woman of Proverbs would rather subject her purchases to critical economic analysis. Most of the time, she spent for commercial purposes.
Like money, conflict may arise when the home is blessed with children. A spouse may impress on the minds of the children that he loves them more, which is a manifestation of insecurity. In a certain family, the children grew up to hate their dad, believing that he never cared for them. It was their mum they gave all the credit. When they were young, their dad would give her money for the children’s bills. She would present it as if she was the one giving it. I met a similar case in the United States where a mum ‘pumped’ into the children’s cranial cavity that she and she alone, loved them. They believed her, and had no regard for their dad. The little money he was bringing home after his retirement seemed to justify her assertion and could not lift the veil to his favour!
To a family that has only female children, it is an invitation for conflict. The wife is usually the scapegoat. Uncle may be part of the persecution, although, in his School Certificate, he scored ‘A’ in Biology! In a certain family, the wife had triplets. She was accused of adultery. ‘How can Brother, at his age, still have the strength to impregnate her in such a manner that three babies would enter her womb?’ That was the idle justification of the accusation. A good husband would have dismissed such illiterate arguments, but some husbands will criminally keep quiet, especially where the allegation is from their mum or overbearing divorced sisters.
When there are no children in the family, it may lead to conflicts. Most of the time, the wives are at the receiving end, and yet, statistics shows that the likely cause is 50 per cent for each spouse. This explains why it is the wife and she alone that, in most cases, does most of the fasting; the running around for deliverance ministers; the visiting from one hospital and also from one church to the other. Uncle, in most of the time, refuses to go for medical tests. May God have mercy on the wife if her husband’s siblings are bearing children! She would be told that it is all her fault. Sometimes, without the knowledge of her son, a mother ‘imports’ a new wife for him. In most cases also, the new wife joins the ‘waiting’ queue!
Thank God for the advancement in science which we must exploit by seeking medical help. In some cases, it may require simple surgery or use of drugs to boost up the sperm count. The family can go for IVF, whereby, the fertilized eggs from the husband are inserted into the wife’s ovary. Most Christians are reserved on surrogate childbearing, This happens when a wife cannot produce fertile eggs or carry pregnancy to birth, the womb of another lady is ‘hired’ for insertion of the husband’s fertilized eggs. The woman then carries the pregnancy for the family. In spite of all documentation and remuneration, the fear is rife that the surrogate mother may later contest the baby. But then, must a child of God go to this length to have a baby?
Child-adoption is a good option for a needy family. Abraham adopted Eliezer of Damascus, Mordecai adopted Esther, his cousin, and the Lord Jesus Christ has adopted us. The beauty in child-adoption is that it is not a prerogative of families without children. Those that God has blessed also adopt. God’s miracle is that as the adopted children grow, they resemble the spouses. Cases abound of wives that became pregnant while nursing adopted babies because of the absence of anxiety, the number one killer of pregnancy!
The most common questions I am asked during ministration: What is the place of the adopted child in sharing the assets of the family if later they have biological children? The answer is that the adopted child is your child, ranking equally with your other children. If he is adopted before you bear children, he is number one in all things that you have. By adoption, he loses whatever right he may have in the home of his biological parents, and regains it in your family. He is yours and you are his. Another question: What happens if he discovers that I am not his mother? Answer: Some biological parents reject their babies and dump them inside the toilet. If that was your case and I picked you, and have been doing everything I can to make you comfortable, who is the person that really loves you – the one who left you to die or me that want you to be somebody in life?
In all conflicts, it is good to discuss. It is also good to meet a physician or adopt a child but above all, we are to seek for God’s guidance on our knees since He answers prayers.
For further comment, Please contact: Osondu Anyalechi: 0909 041 9057; [email protected]