I work in a multinational company that produces beverages as a supervisor. Recently one of the staff working under me lost her fiancé in a ghastly motor accident. They were planning to tie the knots in a month’s time, all plans and arrangements have already been made. She is very devastated. I don’t know what to do to help her. I don’t even know what to say to her.
Chidi
Sagamu.
Handle the situation in a sensitive, but forthright manner. You need to establish contact with the grieving employee as soon as possible. Feeling awkward and not knowing what to say to a grieving employees is normal. Nevertheless, it is important to acknowledge their grief and loss openly.
Acknowledge their loss by sharing your reaction.
Be patient, compassionate, optimistic and available to listen. Do more listening than talking. Expect an employee will need to talk about the loss many times, especially during holidays and anniversaries which are extra difficult.
Periodic tears and low spirits are typical. Ask about specific things you might do to help: do they want any information shared with others; do they need help with their work? It’s a time that demands flexibility.
Make sure you ask what you can share and what is confidential.
Don’t expect employees to “snap out of it” or expect their grief will go away quickly. You need to create an accepting environment where grieving is seen as a process that takes time and is normal, yet work can progress.
When a specific individual is not coping well, shows signs of depression or their grieving response is beyond the range of emotions seen in others, seek consultation of a psychiatrist or psychotherapist.
Purchase a sympathy card, write a personal message, and pass it around the office.
Hold a meeting with the entire workgroup to brainstorm ways to help.
Talk with the employee before she returns to work to help ease re-entry. Become familiar with the stages of grief (denial/shock, anger, bargain, depression and acceptance, DABDA) and help educate employees
Work with the bereaved employee to renegotiate work expectations and set up regular times to check in on progress. Provide ongoing structure and support.
If company policy allows, offer the option to telecommute or shift to flexible hours. Some employees who have suffered complicated losses may need to work half time, job share or take a leave of absence. Be flexible! Another great way of helping a grieving colleague is by exploring the employees’ assistance programme devices. These are services that help in workplace wellness, as they take care of emotional, psychological and mental health related challenges.
Employees who experience a compassionate response to their situation often become intensely loyal. And co-workers who observe supervisors providing a well-informed, flexible response to grief can be positively affected as well.
Grief work is hard work and is lonely work, and you, as the supervisor cannot make it “go away.” Your job as a manager is not to “manage the grief” but to create an environment where work can progress as your employees move through the grief process.
Your caring support and professionalism can set an example that will last long after the experience and is one of the most conducive elements to beginning the healing process for your work force.
For your employee who has not yet returned to work, stay in touch.
When the employee returns to work
Before your employee comes back to work, ask how you can help. Some questions you might consider with your returning employee include:
Would you like me or another person to share any information with the others? If so, what information or details would you like them to know? Do you want to talk about your experience when you return, or would you prefer to concentrate on your job?
The answers to the above questions may change on a daily basis in the beginning. Employee emotions are not yet stable. Keep asking the questions and listen to your employee’s response.
Offer specific help. Many people in grief will find they are too tired, too numb, too overwhelmed to decide what they need. Help offered such as grocery shopping, bringing meals, can be a huge help to the employee.
Acknowledge the loss. There really is no right or wrong thing to say. The wrong thing is to say nothing at all. Avoid comparisons such as “I know just how you feel because my brother……….” What you know is how you felt, and we will not really know what another’s feelings might be. Everyone’s reactions are very unique.
Expect to hear repetition in the telling of the story. Part of the healing is telling the story, talking. However, if this is not the proper time or place, you can acknowledge that they want to talk and schedule the conversation at a more appropriate time and place (“I can’t talk right now. Can we talk at 3:00pm today?).
You may also need to set limits. You may find listening is difficult for you at any given time for various reasons. Acknowledge what they are saying is important, but listening is difficult right now.
A touch can communicate more than words to those who feel alone. If you are comfortable doing so, ask permission to hug the person.
The worst things to say to someone in grief
1. At least he lived a long life, many people die younger than him.
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now
6. You can have another child still
7. He was such a good person God wanted him to be with her
8. I know how you feel
9. He did what he came here to do and it was his time to go
10. Be strong
The best things to say to someone in grief
1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favourite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Saying nothing, just be with the person