Why should women throw their dreams, lives and bright future away on the altar of marriage to insecure, egoistic and lazy men…?
Kate Halim
When it comes to marriage, this society makes it look as if it is a must for everyone. Marriage is not for everybody. This is why so many people are living with men and women they can’t stand. They don’t want to be in a union, yet they are in it just to please family members and society.
‘Why I want to give back to society’
I have interviewed men and women who don’t want to get married. These people don’t like anyone in their space, telling them what to do or trying to change their schedules. Some of them want to have children but they dread getting committed to one person for life.
I don’t blame them. With the many tales of woes we hear every day from married couples, these people just don’t want to disrupt their lives or get entangled with the wrong person. It doesn’t make sense to live under the same roof with someone you don’t want to be with. That’s lying to yourself.
This is why I find it so funny when young ladies who have everything going for them are hounded to go and get married. People make it look as if a woman is not complete without marriage. This is a big lie. They try to belittle these women’s achievements by throwing the go and get married card in their faces. It is funny really.
You see a vibrant, intelligent, hardworking, enterprising, successful young woman and because you were not raised to think a woman should all that and more, you start unleashing your insecurities on her by telling her to go and get married. And you think that you are being sensible.
A woman in herself is a complete being. If she’s going into marriage, it must be that she loves the man in question, they have the same values, they agree on certain key issues about life, love, relationship and marriage and they want to spend their lives together.
If a man doesn’t meet the requirements of a woman, why should she marry him? Why should women throw their dreams, lives and bright future away on the altar of marriage to insecure, egoistic and lazy men who have nothing to offer except submission chant and men are the head gospel.
I am of the opinion that parents of this generation should raise their boys well and equip them for marriage like girls are being raised for marriage from birth instead of unleashing their badly raised sons on well raised women.
Someone sent me a message one day stating that God created women to help men be better humans and I told him that it was a lie. God is not a wicked God. God didn’t create women to be rehabilitation centres for badly raised boys who have refused to change.
Men and women should be equipped for marriage. Marriage is not only important to women, men need it too. Nigerians should stop talking as if men are doing women a favour by marrying them. In fact, men need marriage more, so all these unnecessary ‘go and marry talks’ when a successful young lady talks or does something is totally uncalled for.
I have seen miserably married women throwing jabs at single ladies because they are not married. It’s ironic because you are hell which you call a marriage and yet you think you have the right to tell a young to get into the same hell with you. It is clear that misery loves company.
Happily married men and women don’t go about making the lives of singles miserable because they are not married. Any sensible person should know that marriage is not something you rush in and rush out of. This is why it is important that people should take their time before they settle down instead of jumping into marriage because everyone around them wants them to be married.
The year is coming to an end and the pressure on young women to get married will be better imagined than experienced. Nobody cares if the men are jobless, visionless, proud, arrogant, wicked, egoistic and unyielding. All they want is to marry these girls off just to show people that their daughters are married.
Some parents even issue ultimatums to their daughters that if they don’t bring suitors home, that they shouldn’t step their feet in their houses again. Some will even stop speaking to their children because they are not married yet. Is marriage a certificate to heaven? Have they asked these ladies if they want to get married in the first place?
What this society should know is that marriage is not for everyone. It is not everyone who is an adult wants to get married. Some people just want to live their lives and enjoy it without bringing another person into their lives. Some just want to have no strings attached relationships.
And not wanting to get married doesn’t make one possessed. When someone says they don’t want to get married, don’t tell them to go for deliverance because they have spiritual problems. Everything is not spiritual problem. The person doesn’t want to get married, leave them alone.
Marriage is not for everyone. If you know you are looking for a cleaner, chef, cook and baby machine, marriage is not for you because you will make your partner’s life miserable. If you cannot get married for companionship sake but because you want a woman to cook, clean and wash your clothes, you should stay alone.
I hear guys say some ladies are not wife materials because they didn’t cook, clean and wash for them and I laugh. Are you a husband material yourself? What are you bringing into the young lady’s life who you want to turn to cook, cleaner and chef? What do you have to offer her?
If you cannot honestly answer these questions, you don’t have the right to say trash about a lady who has refused to be reduced to an unpaid domestic staff because you think she should be desperate for marriage. If you cannot clean your home, cook for yourself and take care of your immediate surroundings, you have no business getting married.
Some people don’t want to get married because they love their independence. They love not having to depend on anyone. They love knowing that things will get done because they are the one going to get things done. Giving someone the power to make decisions and take away their time sound scary to them. Their choices should be respected.
Some people can be happy in a relationship when everything is going right, but when things are going bad, they just run away. With marriage, these people can’t do that and that’s why they want to stay away from the marriage institution. Despite what people think, people can be happy alone. Singles can be happy without marriage and married people can be unhappy even with marriage, so life is not a one size fits all. You do not have to worry about what someone else is doing. All you have to worry about is yourself. In fact, if you are not happy there is no way you can be in a happy relationship.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment and if you plan on taking that vow take it serious. Don’t go into marriage because of societal pressure and start making your spouse’s life miserable. Be true to yourself and be honest with your partner.
If you don’t want to get married, let them know you just want a relationship without commitment and vows. If you don’t want to be married, then don’t. Marriage is definitely not for everyone.
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RE: Rescue plans for marriage problems
Kate, for the first time since I started reading your column, you wrote a well balanced piece. I enjoyed it and will recommend it for people having marital challenges. Thank you for yielding to the Holy Spirit. You preached a good sermon last week. God bless you.
-Adedayo Ogun, Akure
Last week’s piece was a perfect advice and a good one to end the year with. You are a lone voice that speaks to couples about hard marital issues. Thank you. Many women are learning from your column and they are drawing strength from you. God will continue to enrich you with wisdom.
-Jerry, Onitsha
I wish to thank you for all your nice articles throughout this year. I agree that couples should know that their marriages need fixing and not ignoring. Whatever some couples are passing through, they should remember their good old days and know that hard times don’t last but hardworking couples who work on their marriages do. Marriage is the greatest commitment between man and woman and couples should do everything in their power to make their marriages work.
-James
Sometimes, you write like a sensible person, at other times, you allow your hatred for men to blind you when you attack men in your column. Last week’s article was nice, straight forward and addressed both genders. Why don’t you just continue to write that way instead of using your column to call men unprintable names?
-Chidozie Ifeme, Awka
Last week, you wrote an excellent piece full of good guides to blissful marital life. The statement that marriage is partnership and the two people involved have to work together to make it a success is a scientific, religious and sociological theory. It is simply end of discussion. Relationships involve two people, be fair to both parties in your articles.
-Chioma Papa
I read your column last week and I was impressed. God bless your soul. You are filled with wisdom despite the attacks you get every week, you continue writing the truth. I love your guts and courage. Please, keep it up.
-Bose