There’s a silent epidemic in town, but even the government isn’t aware, yet! We see it everyday. But it creeps on its victims. From Santa Claus to my neighbour’s grandma; from the preacher down the street to our local politician; from the binge-eater to the big-man in Abuja. The stretch is as long as Pinocchio’s nose. Yet, many see it as traditionally harmless with a potential to massage some bloated ego.

But the Doctor-General has traced Nigeria’s greatest social, health and political problems to the stomach! A recent research, conducted in beer parlours, mama-put joints, party locations, etc has shown that the mute wave called “pot belly” has already killed in hundreds. It has thrown many men out of “za oza room”, with front “tails” looking down. It kills slower than herdsmen. Yet, gradually but easily swallows your health like the JAMB snake gulps N36 million!

Some call it “beer belly”, “belly fat” or “apple shape”. But it has little to do with beer and nothing to do with apple. A lot to do with greed, laziness and, well, gene. It has something to do with stomach fat! The fatter you become in the midsection, the lazier you get. And the more you want to accumulate. Surprisingly, some privileged but ignorant Nigerians think “pot belly” is a sign of wealth and good health. Or what one SA to the PA to a Counsellor’s dog calls “big manism”! So, rather than check it, some men eat and drink, gluttonously.  Soon, they prematurely retire from “active service”. I swear by Mrs Sombori. Or they expire, untimely, from life like substandard products. Stroke and heart attack are my witnesses.

Experts say in stomach matters, there are two things involved. You either have Subcutaneous or Visceral fat. Phew! Oyinbo grammatical! Don’t even bother asking me to spell them. Ok. So if you have subcu-whatever, that means you are not “heavily connected”. No encumbrances. Hunger may “wire you” but you are safe. Subcutaneous is the fat we can see and pinch and play with in the bathroom mirrors. But if you have visceral, there are two things involved: you either check it or you die! You are highly wired! Visceral fat’s stored deep in our abdomens around the intestines, kidneys, pancreas and liver. And it gives us, free-of-charge, the  “pot belly”. In excess, it leads to increased blood sugar and higher insulin levels. And, perhaps, incessant urge for corruption and quest for more money. Watch it! That’s a perfect precursor for diabetes, certain types of cancers, stroke and eternal hell!

The problem with pot belly, whether with greedy businessmen, pastors or politicians, is that it gulps plenty ‘doughs’. Like the senators’ N13.5 million monthly “running cost”. I wonder who does the “running”, though. The cost or the politician? If only Nigerian athletes get that much, I wouldn’t stop my second daughter from sprinting in school.  Ewooh!, The pot bellies in the senate still have space for N750,000 monthly salary and N200 million for supposes constituency projects! No wonder many of them wear babariga to cover the bulges. Shehu Sani, perhaps, appears the only one who constantly wears Trump’s jacket. So, does it mean he has nothing to hide?

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If your job is challenging; or you are in a bad marriage, chronic stress could load. And the body is triggered to produce high level of cortisol, causing you to overeat. Illness brings its challenges, too. But hold it! So, it applies to government, too?  Ok…, ok now! A government that’s challenged, stressed and out of ideas develops pot belly, says my village idiong. Call it deep pocket, if you care. The result? Gulps more money, yet leaves more corruption and widespread poverty. That perhaps, accounts for FG’s recently increased excise duty rates for beer and tobacco. And PHED’s ridiculous high tariffs for Fashola’s darkness.  Now, the stressed populace can’t even drink their troubles away, like Lionel Richie advised. And we can’t locate our mouths in the darkness to drink garri in peace.

See! Like an overflowing caldron, the overstretched poor explode when least expected.  Like hungry kids who wait endlessly, with rumbling tummies, for mama’s food to cook. When they’re tired of watching “big tummies” grow bigger; while theirs get leaner. When they watch silently as the rich get richer while they starve hopelessly, danger lurks. Take the reported stoning of Gov. Sani Bello’s convoy, for instance. The Niger State mob reportedly attacked the governor over alleged non-performance and constant travels outside the country. What does he keep there, anyway?  As the insensitive government attitude continues across the nation, tempers rise.  Aside the diets, nutritional expert and author of Fight Fat After Forty (Penguin, 2000), Pamela Peeke, identifies genetics and stress as some of the factors of “pot belly”.     Belly fat does not only affect our waistlines, it affects our efficiency and performance. One busybody whispered the other day that President Buhari’s added weight and now spots a bulge. I didn’t even listen to him. How the hell did he know, since the man’s always wearing agbada? Well, the guy swore the unseen pot belly’s affecting Baba’s leadership decisions and prompt actions.

After PMB shocked Nigerians that IGP Idris disobeyed direct orders to relocate to Benue, I started checking my own tummy. To avoid being accused of reasoning backwards because of my emerging tummy, I nodded to everything my man said. Maybe, if Buhari had Obasanjo’s guts and pot belly, the IGP wouldn’t have toyed with the directive. But then, the IGP’s problem may be that he doesn’t have stomach fat to help store Buhari’s orders! Well, come to think of it, how can a C-in-C indict himself like that? How come faced with a calamity like herdsmen/farmers massacre, where 73 persons had just been killed, the president didn’t receive daily briefings from his IGP? Ridiculous! Still, the president could “stomach” such insubordination beyond 78 hours. Someone said it’s because both gentlemen are connected by stomach – whatever that means. Can we then conclude that Buhari’s orders concerning the 110 abducted Dapchi girls may also not be ignored by whoever? The girls’ parents lack a noticeable connection and pot belly, you know.

The great news about pot belly  (visceral fat) is that it can be burnt off – if you care. Eating well, exercising regularly, and ingestion of omega-3 fatty acids could help. “I tell people to think of the three Fs: fiber, fat and fitness,” says Savard. “It’s pretty simple, actually: If everything you’re eating is either high in fiber or a good fat, you’re eating healthy food, because there should be little or no refined carbohydrates or unhealthy saturated fats. You don’t have to worry about protein while using this approach, either,” she adds, “because if you are eating healthy fats, that means you’re eating fish and nuts and keeping red meat to a minimum.”

Yes, exercise and nutrition are key. To avoid falling prey to corruption: Exercise moderation; exercise self-restraint; exercise sincerity; exercise your conscience like Senator Sani, etc. On Nutrition – avoid food called greediness. That way, you won’t divert public funds like Dasuki. Eat plenty vegetable and the “humble pie”  – it’ll help you to stave off elongated constipation and disgrace from EFCC.  Swallow you pride, regularly – it helps you accept your wrongs and improve your performance. If Buhari had done that long ago, he would’ve salvaged Nigeria by now. Now, some “noisemakers” blame his pride, lack of quick wit and penchant for belly connection. Perhaps, those led to his inability to constitute a cabinet that can meet the people’s expectation. For Peeke the vitals include: well-balanced meals every three to four hours. Very important! Just as learning to manage stress levels. “I’ve always looked at the mind in addition to the mouth and the muscle,” she says.