Dear Njigirl,
I have been married for 20 years. My husband has never been good at expressing his feelings. I think he loves me, but I don’t think he values me. We never do anything together. He always struggles for money hence we can’t afford to eat out, celebrate birthdays. He cannot even buy gifts for me. Whatever I have, I bought for myself.
Recently he took up a job in another state and has not come home in about four months. When I complain, he says he is trying to make ends meet. He would buy beer or liquor for himself every week though.
I am tired of not being happy in the relationship and want to leave him. I don’t know if after 20 years I should be looking at starting over. I am already in my late 50s. He told me that he would be home in two weeks, for good. I want to make sure that I know what I am doing. Please, help.
ν Abigail
Dear Abigail,
You must understand that the grass appears to be greener on the other side until you get closer. Your marriage may not be the best but may also not be the worst. Yes, everyone deserves to feel loved in a relationship. Some people are just not good at expressing themselves. I understand how frustrating this can be for you. You see, leaving after 20 years may not be the answer. You might have to work harder to let him know how you feel. Let your husband know again that you like to go out once in a month; you like both of you to acknowledge each other’s birthdays and exchange gifts. Unfortunately, you may have to foot the bill when you go out but at least you get to go out with him. When he returns in two weeks, be ready to try somethings.
On the other hand, it is possible that your husband is selfish and cheap. Love is expressed in different ways and if he doesn’t know how to do so, he needs to learn. Going out to dinner does not have to involve breaking the bank. There are nice restaurants that cost just N10,000 for a delicious meal for two; surely, he can afford that? The other thing is about making a sacrifice. Beyond merely going out, it is the time and sacrifice made for a loved one that matters. When you go out of your way to do something for someone that you love, it shows how much you care. Each time your husband refuses to take a step forward in the right direction to please you, he is really saying that he does not care enough to step out of his comfort zone. This is not the best idea for a relationship of 20 years.
As for the money part, giving up that weekly allowance that he uses to buy beer or a bottle of liquor for himself can signify a sacrifice for you. If he can give up that amount and two hours of his time to take you to a nice inexpensive family restaurant, once a month, that will show that he cares to make you happy in a way that you want.
Some men do not realize that they need to find out what makes their women happy. It is not about guess work. He should ask you that question and hear from you. If he really loves you, he will listen and will comply.
In essence, what I am saying is for you to give him another chance. Since he will be back in about two weeks, make a reservation at your favorite restaurant. Give him advance notice about this date and remind him three days leading up to the time. Put some money in your pocket to cover the bill to avoid embarrassment. Let him know that the menu is inexpensive. Give him a ball park figure of what he can expect to spend. One day before and after he has rested, show him the dress you plan to wear and ask if he likes it. By so doing, you are planting the entire event in his head. He cannot say on the day of the event that he forgot.
Look your best and make up your mind to be happy. Slowly encourage him to make this a once a month event. Do not worry, you can win him over. Give the relationship another chance before deciding on any harsh outcomes.
ν Dr. NJ