Dear Njigirl,
my husband is very immature even though he is older than I am and I am sick of him slacking in this marriage. What is the cause of this? How can you help me before I pull all my hair out?
■ Angela
Dear Angela,
Please follow these scenarios. First, I will put out this statement: A man’s immaturity can cause a major strain in the relationship. I know that love is not enough. If he does not know his role in the home due to immaturity, love cannot fix the problems that will arise in the home. Do you agree?
Let me put it this way: a 27-year-old man is far more immature than his 25-year-old female partner. True or false?
Nicole is a 25-year-old vibrant lady married for two years to Martin her 29-year-old beau for just two years but she is ready to call it quits because according to her, Martin is so immature and doesn’t know how to act. They have a one-year-old son, Nicholas whom Martin sees as a “relative of mine who is a visitor” and who will leave in a few days or months. He does not help in changing him or feeding him. Nicholas is totally my responsibility. Martin hangs out with the guys every evening after work, he does not contribute to the cleaning or running of the home. He totally leaves me to do everything and yet when he wants “it” I am supposed to comply. When I bring it up he acts like I am nagging him and does not know what I am talking about. Martin’s famous line is; “Babe am I not here with you?”
Martin is also immature about spending money. He acts spontaneously and will buy a gadget with our rent money. I am just so sick and tired of him acting like an 18-year-old college student. What do I do?
Angela, these scenarios are so typical of young marriages and more than half of the time it is the woman complaining about her man’s behavior. In these scenarios though the man is two-four years older than the female but he acts as though he is five years younger than she is and expects her to be his “lover, mother, BFF” and I am here to agree with you that enough is enough. Below are the facts of the make-up and composition of the male.
“A 2013 study published in Cerebral Cortex offers a scientific explanation behind the common notion that men take longer to “act their age” than women do. According to the study, it’s rooted in the fact that the female brain establishes connections and “prunes” itself faster than the male brain.
It seems that the process starts a few years after birth and continues to occur until around 40 years old,” co-author Sol Lim, a graduate student at Newcastle University in the United Kingdom, told Mic.
She explained that the human brain undergoes major changes anatomically and functionally as we age, and these changes make the connections in our brain more efficient. Notably, Lim’s research found that this process tends to happen at an earlier age for women than men, which may explain why some women seem to mature faster than men.
For the first few years of life, there’s an “initial over-abundance of neurons, connections, folding of the brain surface,” Lim said.
She added: “After that, a ‘pruning’ process occurs for refinement, to make the brain network more economic and efficient. It might seem strange to think of the brain condensing as it improves rather than expanding, but that helps to explain this particular maturation effect.”
If you want to read the whole article, here is the link: “https://www.google.com/amp/s/m.mic.com/articles/amp/111226/science-explains-why-women-are-faster-to-mature-than-men?client=safari”
So, yes men develop slower alongside their female counterparts. If we know this why do women stress themselves when the man behaves badly? My message to all women out there is that we all have huge responsibility in our hands to build a home. Yes, it is not only expected it is our duty. If you want your home to stand, you will be the one to build it. If you want the foundation to be solid, lay your pride aside and dig deeply. You are the accountant, the teacher, the parent, the psychologist, the banker, the lawyer and the doctor. No wonder they all say, mom knows best. So, be proud and stop complaining. You are a mother, a lover and a BFF to him. Lay the ground rules and make sure that they all comply. I will refer you to another subject that I tackled in the past where I told you to run your home like a start up business that you want to see succeed. (Check out my page of September 18, in the (Sunday Sun)
So my dear Angela, are you still confused? Don’t be, accept your role and make it work! You will always be more mature than he is and unfortunately, as he grows older he becomes more and more dependent on you.
■ Dr. NJ