Hello Njigirl,
Compliments, you are doing a good job solving emotional problems for people. May God reward you; I always appreciate you,
ABIMBOLA SOKOYA, Makurdi
Dear Abimbola,
Thanks so much for that vote of confidence. May God bless you also for reading and sharing.
Dr. NJ
Happy Sunday njigirl. I love to be following you up here.
BLESSING¡
Hi Blessing,
I hope you are waxing strong. Keep reading and writing.
Dr. NJ
Dear Njigirl,
I worked for more than 12 years in the same company but recently lost that job due to down sizing. This has caused a lot of distress in our family leaving my husband as the sole breadwinner. Before this terrible loss he earned more than me but I still bore about 80 per cent of the bills and chores.
Now that I am home, he is not able to carry his weight and he still expects me to continue carrying the whole burden. He is aware of my small savings and pension and he insists that I cash it to help out more. I suggested he adds extra hours but he refused. Most of our bills are late and he refuses to pay. I am now looking at him with a different lens; he is mean and I am not having it. Our two children are grown and have moved out. I want to move out and start afresh rather than cash out my pension. Please advise me.
CORA
Hi Cora,
Some men have forgotten the values that their fathers taught them as young men: a man must be a breadwinner of the home. I know that times have changed and more and more women are working outside the home and therefore are expected to contribute equally towards the running of the home. In some places the women are even expected to bear more than the majority share. In the West, some families have the man staying home and caring for the children so that the wife who earns more goes out to work. In the African culture men do not stay home. Women are expected to raise the family and for the ones that work outside the home, typically they contribute a small percentage only to assist.
Your situation is not typical. I feel that your husband is angry at something and has decided to teach you a lesson. Otherwise why would he be so mean? Is it possible that he felt disrespected by you or your family members in the past? That is still not enough reason to punish his own family. Does he have a female out there with whom he is intimate? Does it mean he is caring for her household as well and therefore unable to keep up? Still yours is his immediate and nuclear family setting and he must satisfy you and your children before extending to this “new family.”
Even when it comes to his extended family (which is an integral part of the African culture) he must count you and children first. You must find out why he is treating you this way and yes I think he is being mean spirited.
Do you have a very close family member or friend that you both respect and admire? Is that person upright, just and honourable? If so then you need to bring your concerns to that person immediately. When your bills begin piling up, you risk ruining your buying power (credit-rating) and this means that you might end up being denied the purchase of that new or newer car, house, or you may pay more in interest rates. This is not a matter you should ignore.
What are you doing about finding a different job? I think you should concentrate on getting a job at this time. It might not be comparable to your old job or might not be the type of job you ever thought you will work but hard times call for hard measures. Get yourself financially uplifted first before thinking of moving out. Do you have a mortgage or you are renting? If your mortgage is behind get in touch with the mortgage bank immediately to find out what your options are. There are several programs that can help you keep your home while you slowly workout your arrears and make future payments. I know it is difficult to say, “hang in there,” but please be calm and believe in the Almighty that can take you out of any bad situation. Take care of yourself.
Dr. NJ