“Welcome to this interview, Man of the Moment, Man of All Moments, Man of the Final Moments and, by the grace of God, the Priest of the Highest Order.”
“Thank you very much. I feel highly honoured to be here so that I can be titillated, sorry, entertained with your questions.”
“To start with, are you truly the Man of the Moment?”
“Yes, go and see my posters all over the place. I challenge you to tell me any politician dead or alive or waiting on the death row who has as many campaign posters as I have in the forthcoming Presidential election.”
“They say you are also a man of all moments, how do we describe that?”
“Thank you very much. If you want to know, place any of the stickers bearing my photo on your car or door of your house and see if you will have any accident till you depart from this earth. In fact, with that sticker, if any of the trailers or articulated trucks fails breaks on any of our pot holes-infested death-traps called Express Road or Highway, and is coming hard at you on top speed, all you need to do is shout my name and it would just fly over you with all of its 22 or 28 tyres or, in the alternative, your car would suddenly develop wings like a drone and fly above it. So, that’s why I am called man of all moments.”
“Thank you, sir, for that enlightenment, how about man of final moments?”
“You just wait till the final moments in the forthcoming Presidential election. While Buhari and Atiku’s supporters are busy fighting each other to death, you will see me sitting and laughing at them from Aso Rock. Lest I forget, please, prepare to be my Special Adviser on Publicity and the Media, when that time comes. The only thing I can tell you is, keep your fingers crossed. And, please, don’t cross the bridge until you come to it.”
“Actually, when they say man of final moments, I was thinking of the other final moments in prison for a condemned prisoner.”
(With eyes burning with fire, he asked) “Which other final moments? No way. In case you don’t know, I am God and God does not die. I am the Ancient of Days, the ever living, eternal God.”
“Okay o, if you say so.”
“I say so and I will continue to say so.”
“Man of the moment, I was wondering why you chose to call your own political party, Advanced Peoples Democratic Alliance (APDA). To me, the name sounds like that of APGA (All Progressives Grand Alliance) of late Dim Chukwuemeka Odumegwu Ojukwu. What do you have to say on this?”
“Look here, before APGA, I was. And, after APGA and the new APGA, I will still be. So, I am not contesting that fact with anybody, living or dead. By the way, APGA is APGA and APDA is APDA. The two, or is it three now?, are like parallel lines which cannot meet even in eternity. Your next question, please.”
“Ok, Your Excellency. I find interesting the meanings of last letters in the initials of the two parties: The “ga” in APGA means “go” in Igbo while the “da” in APDA means “fall,” does that bother you as it does to me?”
“You can call it anything you like. All I know is that the “da” in our party’s initials does not mean we are going to fall yakata like someone said the other day. The fellow must be daydreaming. On the contrary, we are going to win more votes than Buhari’s and Atiku’s combined. You just watch out.”
“How?”
“That’s why they call me man of the moment, remember. So, forget about Buhari and Atiku. From Sokoto prisons where I dey so, dem know dat I fit pray and all the votes cast for Buhari, Atiku, Ezekwesili, Muoghalu, Sowore and Durotoye will suddenly change positions before the INEC people’s eyes and have their thumbprints transferred to APDA slot on the ballot paper. Let me remind you, in case you people have forgotten I am the Ancient of Days, the I am that I am”
“Did you get to read the 16-page letter written by Olusegun Obasanjo to President Buhari, on the state of the nation?”
“Before I answer that question, could you please, help me ask Obasanjo why he likes engaging in letter writing while his name is OBJ. Did they swear for am with letter writing? How about essay writing and summary and comprehension passages?”
“I am told that he who Obasanjo does not endorse will not win any election in Nigeria, has he endorsed your Presidential ambition yet?”
“Look here, Mr. Journalist. I don’t need his endorsement. Rather, it is he who needs my endorsement, I swear.”
“How do you mean, Owner of our lives?”
“Go and ask him, he knows.”
This Advanced People Democratic Alliance (APDA) of a thing, I hope it is not people who are advanced in age, in the body and mind that are going to vote for you on the day of election?
“Don’t worry about that. My people are right now busy, going from house-to-house and campaigning vigorously for me while APC and PDP people are busy throwing dirt at each other. Come on the election day, you will find whether it is people who are advanced in the body and mind that are going to vote for me or not. Continue to keep your fingers crossed.”
“PMB said if re-elected President he would fight corruption by sending all those involved to jail. In your own case, what would you do to stop corruption?”
(Clears his throat): Me, jail corrupt people? No way! Simple! I would pour fuel on all those who are accused of corruptly enriching themselves, strike a match and throw at them. I mean, set them on fire and let them begin to burn here first before they get into hell.
“All of them?”
“Mr. Journalist, all of them!”
“Without trial?”
“With or without trial! Come to think of it, how many trials did they go through before they took what belonged to all of us and gave them to their concubines and cronies? I ask you, how many trials?”
At this juncture, I suddenly woke up from sleep to discover that I have been dreaming!