“Daddy, I am not talking of exam or INEC, jo.” It is then it occurred to me that my son and I are speaking different languages. “Ok, I now understand”
“Daddy, I want to defect.’ That was the statement I heard from Junior before I interjected with the question: “to which of the parties: APC, PDP, APGA or to Rev. King’s APDA (Advanced People Democratic Alliance)?
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Ignoring my question, Junior, who, from his facial look, appears to be under distress, pointed to his bum- bum and repeated his statement: “Daddy, I want to defect now.”
“See me, see wahala o,” I said. “Na wetin concern me if you want to defect or not? If you want to defect, defect now. That’s why I am asking which of the party you want to defect to so that I will know what advice to give you: Armoured Personnel ‘Career’ (APC), Pee Di Pee (PDP), Apuga, Apuda or Labour while you may (Labour Party?)
“Daddy, I say I want to defect.” “Look at this boy o,” I said. “Who is standing in your way from defecting? After all, Akpabio did it and heavens did not fall. Saraki did it and Oshiomhole and his goose pimples (good people?) of APC have not burst and died. Tambuwal did it and I can’t remember any tambolo visiting our home because of that. Ortom did it and we are still licking our tom-tom of power. No shaking. Dogara did it and it has not stopped the PDP members of the National Assembly from being dogged and rugged in their fight to restore ‘demoncrazy’ in the Upper and Lower Chambers (of commerce?). So, what’s the big deal about you defecting. You can defect from my house to my neighbour’s house, if you like. Who cares?”
“Daddy, this thing is coming out o!,”.Junior called out. “If you love yourself the way I do, make sure that nothing comes out o,” I threatened. “By the way, what is coming out? From where?” I added. “Junior, don’t let anything come out o. Keep our secret secret, did you hear me?!”
Holding to his bum-bum as if something will certainly drop out of it to the ground, any moment soon, if he does not hold it tightly, he started jumping up and down in a way that shows that he is really in distress. “Daddy, I say this thing is coming out o and you don’t want to listen me. I wan shit”
“Ah, Junior, why engage in all this unnecessary gobbledygook? You should have said so a long time ago,” I said. “Ok, you want sheets? Please, how many sheets of paper do you need or want? And, by the way, which exams are they meant for? JAMB? BAMJ? MBJA? UTME? METU? TEUM? WAEC? CEWA? GCE? ECG? Or, are the sheets meant for writing INEC results?
“Daddy, I am not talking of exam or INEC, jo.” It is then it occurred to me that my son and I are speaking different languages. “Ok, I now understand”, I added, as a foul pungent smell filled the air. But you know where to go and do what you are talking about, don’t you? He nodded to show that he does. “Oya, go there and do the business first and after, that we can talk. Make sure you clean up very well. Wash your hand with soap or detergent. It is after doing so you can come for the big lecture.” With that, he ran off towards the direction of our toilet, still holding on to his bum-bum.
About 15 minutes or so later he was through and came out smiling. An impish smile! “Come o, Junior, what did you say you wanted to do at first?” I asked. “I said I want to defect and you were trying to ask me too many unnecessary questions.”
“You are wrong,” I managed to say. “That word is not “defect” but ‘defecate’. You are mistaking one for the other, Junior.
“I am not mistaking anything, Daddy. Our big, big Oga dem for politics have been defecating from one party to the other recently. So, I know what I am talking about.”
“Believe me, Junior, you don’t know what you are talking about. You don’t know the difference between defecate and defect. What they are busy doing is defecting not defecating.”
“Ehn, that’s why I said I want to defect.”
“But the word you ought to have used is “defecate” not “defect”
“Daddy, what’s the difference?”
“Ah, there is a world of difference between the two English words o. To defect means to move from one party to another, but to defecate means to send an unwanted product out of your system, just as you have done now.”
“That’s why I said there is no difference between the two words. Oshio-Baba and our Oga Patapata for dem heaven, Tinubu, said so, that the people who are leaving APC and moving to PDP are people they don’t want. Aren’t those unwanted products?”
“No, Junior. Not in the sense you think of it. They are still wanted products. That’s why the political parties they are moving to are running helter and skelter, trying to have them in their fold.”
“Ehn,where is the difference? One party defecated them and another party collected.”
It’s not like that, Junior. Ok, take the case of Godswill Akpabio. Which party defecated him and which party collected?”
“PDP did and APC collected. In the case of Ortom, Tambuwal and Saraki, APC did and PDP collected.”
“If so, then expect to start seeing Saraki, Tambuwal and Ortom, peeing everywhere they see space, very soon, because the instruction is pee di pee (PDP?), while I expect Akpabio to take two pills of APC analgesic, in the morning, two in the afternoon and two at night, in accordance with the doctor’s recommendation. APC is a pain-killer, isn’t it?”
“It is Dad. But I still don’t see any difference between “defect” and “defecate.”
“Don’t worry, son. Very soon. You will see.”