During the week, I saw a very weird prayer point on social media that reads: “Lord, may other women’s breasts taste like Yoyo bitters in my husband’s mouth, Amen”. It really got me cracking and I started laughing in Portuguese. I am sure this is funny right? I understand women are very creative when they are praying for their husbands, especially when it’s about his mistress. Oh, Nigerian women pray all manner of prayers when it comes to their husband’s mistress. Even when they hardly go to church, they instantly turn prayer warriors when they suspect their husband is sleeping with another woman. They pray into his meal, into his water, into his bathing water and even curse the genitals of the mistress. For those whose husbands stray once in a while and are genuinely sorry; oh you have my blessing, go on, keep praying for them not to stray, because I won’t deny the fact that there are evil women around. Yes, there are wicked women who would go to any length to lure a man to bed.
I understand there are women who are worse than Jezebel on the prowl, looking for good men to seduce and it takes a lot of discipline and the grace of God to overcome these tempting women. For these kinds of men, I will also join the prayer chain, to pray for you.
However, for your unrepentant man’s community penis, for the lascivious, sexually perverted and insatiable men; I will tell you to stop wasting your prayers on their mistresses, because your husband is the problem. He is the one chasing these girls, he’s the one luring them, he’s the one who will remove his wedding band and tell them he’s single. He’s the one not committed to your marriage. He’s the traitor. He’s the unfaithful one and so you should deal with him first before the mistress.
Madam, wasting your time saying the yoyo bitter prayers on your husband’s small chops won’t help your marriage. Wasting your nakedness in the night and depriving yourself of good sleep because you want to rain curses on your husband’s small chops will only give you high blood pressure.
Okay, let us assume that his side chic turns to NAFDAC approved Yoyo bitters; you think he won’t ignore the breast and do other bedmatics? Or you have forgotten all these bitters drinks are medicinal and so even if he ignores the taste, it will only make him healthier. Can you see now that you have been praying amiss? Even when all her body turns to bitter leaf, he will go and look for jollof rice and so please forget the curses and face your husband.
Don’t come and quote “The king’s heart is in the hands of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will,” I understand that part very well and don’t doubt what God can do. But have you also heard about praying amiss? Is your husband a willing vessel? Is he ready to change and if not you should change your prayer points?
Dear prayer warriors, let me help your ministry, because I can’t say you should leave your husband because of ordinary cheating. How can, when you are not oyinbo? Even if you have been curing all the STDs in the whole of Nigeria; as a virtuous woman, you can’t leave him o! It’s for better or worse and even HIV/AIDS cannot put you asunder. After all, every married Nigerian woman should know that the cheating cell in every husband is very active and there is no way a husband will not cheat. We all know this is not entirely his fault. It is the way he has been wired by society. Yes, the society, because God didn’t create him that way, our culture encouraged men to cheat and made him so. However, I won’t dwell on that today, so, since we have all been bound by these chains of shameful culture, here is my two kobo.
First and foremost you have to go for deliverance! Yes you madam! Not your husband. You need to be delivered from the spirit of jealousy. If you are a Muslim, get a good Alfa to recite some verses in the Quran or the Hadith that can cure your jealousy. For the women who are traditionalists, if you have a good dibia or Babalawo too, nothing spoil. A good incision and incantations will remove jealousy from your eyes. For this to work, the green eyed monster must be slaughtered.
Secondly, when dear hubby is going out, always remember to throw in condoms in his laptop bag, his brief case, and food flask and in every obvious place in his car. He will need it. A wise woman knows her husband’s needs and tends to them. Be wise!
Moreover, when he is traveling, please put like two dozens, multiply by the number of days he will be staying. No matter, why he’s traveling, even if he’s going to the mountain for prayers, be prepared. Let him freely express his libido. After all, when you were with him, your “oil rig” wasn’t even enough for him, in the first place and now he is traveling, biko let him enjoy his life. Give him the free license to live his dream sex orgies. Please don’t forget to call him to use them all regularly. You can even do video calls to supervise him too. This is very important! You know AIDS is real.
But, if you suspect he is not using condoms, please “close shop” quickly when he comes home. Or you don’t know what that means? It means don’t let him sleep with you, no matter how much he paid for your dowry. Buy tights and wear five every night or get a good padlock on your bedroom doors.
Nevertheless, if you are the type of woman who can’t do without sex for long, you don’t need to cheat on him and I would never subscribe to that. Just Google sex toys on the Internet and you are on your way to multiple blissful orgasms.
Let him get tested first and then come with a proof that he has a clean health bill. If you feel sorry for him (me I don’t understand why you should feel sorry for him sha but this thing called love hia!) then tell him he must use condom.
But if your husband is an Anthony Joseph or a Sumo wrestler that you are so terrified of; get yourself a female condom. It is available, if you want, I can send you one container of female condoms.
However, if he is into house girls and orange sellers, this is my favorite part, because I won’t let him disrespect you. When he is asleep, always tie his penis to your wrapper with a strong rope. You can even grind small pepper (preferably rodo) in a bowl and place it beside you, inbox me for further details.
For these kind of men who are serial cheats, stop wasting your energy praying, fasting and doing night vigils over them, pray over more important issues in your life.
You don’t even need to start spending your money on love potion, use your money to eat good food and invest in good make up.
From experience, when they get their fingers burnt, they will come back home. When he is old, sick and weary he will come home. That thing that will help him curb his sexual appetite will happen one day. He will come crawling, begging and he will be at your mercy. And it is up to you to do whatever you want with him.
Of course, infidelity is a difficult thing and living with an unrepentant serial cheat is more emotionally draining.
I know your ego has been bruised times without number, you feel inadequate as a wife and as a woman. You can hardly trust him again, because you have been living in his web of lies. Your hubby now feels like a stranger who has lied to you for years and I understand it’s a sad situation.
But you have to be brave about it, for the sake of your sanity and your children. You see, if you die today, he will marry another woman and continue the cycle.
So, get a good grip of yourself, stop snooping around, stop being hyper vigilant and suspicious; it will only make you more miserable.
To every gorgeous woman who is going through this, sleep well, eat good food, dress beautifully, work hard, dream and enjoy your life. This life is too short and no man is worth dying for.
Please let me stop here now, I have very important national issues to attend to. Kindly permit me to go back and find a lasting solution to this cheating problem. We have been working tirelessly on a new chip that you can easily place on your cheating hubby without him knowing.
If he is with any side chic, small chops, or any side chewing gum or whatever, his “thing” will not rise rara.
This is not juju. It’s pure science. Please, this is strictly between us, so that they won’t bomb our office.