Last week, I watched a Yoruba movie. In that movie, a married woman had a husband who slept with all her friends. The wife found out about it but she did nothing; even when he was sleeping with her sister she ignored them. After a while her husband started experiencing some strange occurrences and so he confessed to his wife. He asked for forgiveness and the man’s wife started running helter-skelter to help them find a solution to the problem.
I got angry at a point and stopped watching the movie because I felt the script writer misfired. Honestly, I don’t have a problem with forgiveness but I expected her to move on after that incident but she didn’t. Instead she forgot all the misery her husband took her through and went ahead to help him out.
Oh, goodness how stupid of that woman?
Although, that is only a movie but unfortunately, in the real sense that is what happens in some marriages in our dear country. Wives are expected to worship the ground their husbands tread upon and so no matter how much they hurt them they should keep bearing it and praying that the cause of the pain would go away.
Let me share another story: during the week a lady wrote on social media that she accidently got pregnant for her friend’s husband who housed her when she became homeless. Please how do you accidently get pregnant? Does penis blindly fall into vagina? Biko, I need help here because I really don’t understand how the mistake happened. The lady further claimed that she was afraid because she had hopelessly fallen in love with her friend’s husband and that people should help her come up with a solution. A woman who should bury her head in shame had the effrontery to come seek counsel in public? Of course, she knows what she wants to do; she only wants the madam of the house to shift a little so she can manage somewhere and become the second wife.
This woman didn’t care if her friend was hurting; what was more important to her was getting orgasm. Her husband too who is a monster, knew madam would eventually forgive him after some time. No matter how the story is told the man will always win in this part of the world. He wins all! He gets both women and soon they will start fighting for his attention.
But who do I blame? It is our women. Nigerian women keep indulging their husbands to stray. When a man knows there are no consequences for his bad behavior he will keep doing the same wrong. Please, if Nigerian women are not indulging their husbands tell me why the patterns still remain the same?
Why is a woman blamed for her husband’s inability to keep his third leg where it should be? Why will a woman continue to stay with a serial cheat? Why will a woman keep treating STDs all because she wants to continue being Mrs. Somebody? Why will a woman keep taking beatings from her husband, year in year out?
Why will a woman watch her husband molest her maid and she does nothing? It is because they are afraid of hurting some monsters called husbands? The only answer could be that if they do otherwise, the society will push the blame on them.
Unfortunately, majority of the people who blame these women are women. They outnumber the men. They are our mothers, sisters, aunties, cousins and friends. We have spoilt many Nigerian men and we have been indulging them for too long. It is sad! I am angry too!
Here is another real life story. A certain man has a mistress and the wife has been aware of the amorous relationship for a while. She did all she could to separate them but without success, so she became best of friends with her.
Today, they both wear the same aso ebi to every owanbe. Also, her children go to her house for holidays. This is not Africa Magic; it is a real life story. So, tell me what is in the head of the wife? What exactly is her strategy? Because I can’t wrap my head round this love triangle. But I know she has no strategy, she is only a miserable woman who has been swallowed by the monster called patriarchy.
Well, that only happens because the self-worth of many Nigerian women is in shambles. Their lives centre on men who disrespect them and who throw them at will to the thrash when they see anything in skirt.
For some Nigerian women, their sense of reasoning has been amputated and so they are no longer thinking like they should. They have been through a lot of emotional and physical abuse. They have been through several manipulations and gas lighting that have wreaked havoc on their self-esteem.
Besides they no longer trust their own thoughts or feelings again and so they become dependent on these wicked men.
So, in these women’s world, the husband is always right, the husband knows best. Husband can do no wrong. And if husband says he is sorry over and over again he must be forgiven and taken back.
These men know their women very well, they can smell it from afar if she wants to throw in the towel and they know how well to work things out. These men follow a pattern and they keep their victims feeling trapped as long as they want. So, their women believe they are nothing without them.
But I tell you today, you are better off without such men. You will be in a better place if you decide to take a bow from what has been killing you over the years in your marriage. You will survive without him.
Moreover, I know most marital problems are not plain black and white, so it is possible to love someone who makes you unhappy. It is even worse, when you are dealing with a husband who knows the right code to punch. Despite the fact that he makes you go through tough times in your marriage, when you see him collapse in tears, I know it tears you apart. When you see him looking lost like a broken boy, it destroys you. Also, I understand you love him so much that seeing his pain makes it far worse for you than the pains he inflicts on you each day.
But sister, marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. He must be true to his vows and he must have boundaries like you do. Marriage is not a sort of totalitarian governance, I think it should be more democratic and so the two of you must come together to make it work.
Pray if you must! Seek counsel when needed. But you should also be able to let him know when you can’t take his shit anymore.
Nigerian women, let’s change the narrative. Let us face our realities. We should stop patting these men on the back when they hurt us. We should be brave enough to let them face the consequences for their bad acts!
Re: Controlling husbands monitor their wives social media account
there is nothing wrong in a woman having a social media account provided she does not use it in an indecent manner, and also begin to ‘live’ on social media to the detriment of her household.
My hubby is an IT specialist, but funny enough he is not on Facebook and he doesn’t have any problem with me being here. He calls me Mama Facebook. Asking your wife to leave social media will not solve any problem; the two of them should sit down and talk about the main issues. – Feyi H.
Some men cyber-stalk their wives to read, monitor comments and messages as well as rate those on friends list. Isn’t it the height of joblessness! –T.I, Lagos.
I sympathise with you over your defense of women in the piece, “Controlling husbands monitor wives’ social media accounts”, surely based on your trustworthy stance in marriage with your husband. Without prejudice, most women, as well as men, are not trustworthy in marriage. A man who trails his wife’s social media account must be the jealous type, who would protect love for his wife with anything, sane or otherwise. There are women also in this class. The print media have been awash with stories of social media account relationships ending in murder of victims or swindling of their wealth. Bola, avoid using your qualities, in marital relationship, as a natural standard in marriage. Statistically, the bad and ugly in relationships are millions of miles apart with the good and reliable. – Lai Ashadele
Question is: Why did he say so? Because some women at some point become married to their phones and keep following all kinds of handles. –Louisa Uche
Personally, there is nothing wrong when you allow your wife to have access to social medial. But both party must trust each other and it should be handled with caution so that it will not cause crisis in the family. I really appreciate your piece of advice and counselling to couples and youths
—Atunwa Kehinde Daniel