Although the details are changing with the times in some places, the practice of an older woman seeking sexual relationships with much younger men has been on for ages.
We call them Sugar Mummies here but their popular name world-wide is Cougars. Sounds curious because cougars are originally mountain lions, panthers, puma, of North and South America.
The use of the name for women is thought to have originated in Western Canada and first appeared in print on the Canadian dating website – Cougardate.com. It is also said to have “originated in Vancouver, British Columbia, as a put-down for older women who would go to bars and go home with whoever was left at the end of the night.”
Whatever the origin, today, the “cougar” concept is widely used, and the practice itself is on the rise in Nigeria in the advent of an era of big, independent girls.
We my call them “Conquerors” because in most of these cases, the woman is richer and more powerful than the man, much so that she reduces the man to a “Yes, Ma” man. It is an inverse of the normal relationship, where the man is the head. Toy Boys dare not challenge their conquerors or cougars in the bed room, where they are hired to operate mostly or outside, where they are not supposed to be seen. Whatever they are in the relationship to do, the order is “just do it to my satisfaction.” Well, it would appear that top on the list of these demands is a “thorough shakedown” as Funke puts it. If you sample cougars, that is the primary motivation.
In a recent survey of 100 self-proclaimed cougars in UK, more than 90% of them said they want to date younger guys who are romantic, chivalrous and, best of all, relatively free of the emotional baggage from the past. 52% of the cougars in the study were in their 40s and their ideal guy is aged 24-27. 45% were ‘lifestyle cougars’ who have dated more than five younger men. About a third of them said they will never go back to dating men their own age. And only 5% of women polled plan to ever return to seeing men their own age. A number of over-40 women are happily redefining the rules and roles of cougar dating.
What cougars want
Studies have shown that cougars are mostly divorcees; heart-broken women; the rich and famous, who have become too powerful to be under the control of men; and those who feel dissatisfied in their matrimonial beds; or bored housewives.
Sex therapist Julia Cole, a relationship counselor, says: ‘If a woman has been through a painful break-up then it’s quite possible that her confidence and self-esteem will be boosted by going out with someone younger and livelier. Getting the attention of someone you think you’d never attract again is a marvelous feeling.’
She goes on, ‘often when a woman takes a younger lover it’s a bit of a ‘shoulder shrug’. She’s saying: ‘I’m not going to stay with this boy, I’m just going to have a good time and get out there because I’m bored.’
The shakedown theory: ‘A woman reaches her sexual peak at around 35-40. And from a physiological point of view, an older woman and a younger man could be a good match. He can give her the repeated stimulation that she needs; he is keen to learn and she’s happy to pass on her experience.’
Toy boys’ eyes are elsewhere
Such relationships are more likely to fail. It is an inescapable fact. No matter how he enjoys the cougar, he has it at the back of his mind that he must marry – a younger woman he truly love and not for the money. So while he enjoys the cougar, his eyes are on the exit door, and his mind on his fiancée.
Secondly, no matter how younger they may be in relationships, men hate to be controlled by their women – the inverse of our traditional man-woman relationship. So what they do is to endure the “commanding women” to make their loot and get out. As some Tom Boys are reported to have said, no matter how experienced cougars are in bed, they are only tokunbos, not as good as under-30s. Curves matter, one of them said.
Worse, cougars are very jealous women. They won’t provide the money and comfort for the toy boy and later have him getting down with some poor, filthy girls. Conflict!
The eventual break-up of such relationships is predictable because as time goes on the differences in maturity become magnified, and the boy gets wiser. Reality strikes!
What the cougars suffer
It is mostly a hidden relationship. For those who try to take their toy boys out shopping, etc, the assistants think they are the Mum.
The love they get from the toy boys is fake – driven by money. Fear of losing the boy, and the pain of sharing him.
Worst of all, it is risky business with fast toy boys.
For both cougars and toy boys, this is a relationship that is usually as short as it is risky.