I had made it clear to him that if he doesn’t appoint me Commissioner for Laughter, nobody will laugh again in Imo State until the election day next year.
Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, abeg make una help me thank God o! I don hammer o! I have just been appointed Commissioner for Laughter in Imo State. I missed being sworn in, alongside the new political appointees on Monday, September 17, 2018. But I have been assured that mine will come up any time soon, maybe next Monday.
At this juncture, I want to thank some people. To start with, I want to thank those of you who prayed along with me. Secondly, I want to thank those who forgot to pray. Thirdly, I want to thank those who remembered but neglected to pray because they were busy chasing shadows, sorry, their daily bread or what to use in taking care of their wives and pikins. Lastly, I want to thank those who remembered but deliberately refused to pray out of envy and ‘bad bele.’ The fact is, whether you preyed or no prey o I don become Commissioner.
For those who don’t know about the battle that took place before I was appointed, I had impressed on the mind of His Excellency the need to create the Ministry of Laughter after he appointed and sworn in his biological sister, Mrs. Ogechi Ololo (nee Okorocha) as Commissioner for Happiness and Couples Fulfilment.
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“You are the privileged group that has the opportunity to make names for yourselves,” Okorocha had said on the day he sworn in the then 28 new commissioners including his sister. “I want to remind all of you that this appointment is not business as usual. We shall not tolerate any sharp practice or corruption of any type. Neither shall we accept indolence or laziness. You have been called to duty to help us to achieve our vision in the Rescue Mission Project. At this moment, I charge you all to be good ambassadors of the Rescue Mission wherever you find yourselves.”
“Let me educate Nigerians on this, for those lacking ignorance (sic), United Arab Emirates has ministers of happiness and they are ahead of us,” Ololo was quoted to have remarked on her Twitter handle, in response to criticisms trailing her appointment. “In a time were (sic) couple divorce is at an all time high, I will use my good office to ensure couples in Imo will be fulfilled and serve as example to the world.”
At least, the lady knows where to go and get help, I, where do I go? Don’t worry, sha, I will manage. I understand that someone even planned to go give Mrs. Ololo a copy of video CD of the Fuji maestro, Adewale Ayuba’s popular number “Happy People,” featuring Vector and Tm9ja, so that she would keep playing it to troubled minds in Imo. I wouldn’t know whether he eventually made the trip or not. But it would have been quite a sight to watch Imolites dancing to the tune and lyrics of Ayuba’s “We are happy people, we make you happy. We are H-A-P-P-Y P-E-O-P-L-E. We are happy people we make you happy.”
Imagine the whole Imolites gyrating to this music and everywhere you go you hear people hailing us with that timeless Igbo ululation: “ukwu ruo gi ala; yomaya ayoma.” (bend low and keep digging it). Who says everyone in Imo State will not be happy dancing to that fast tempo music from Adewale Ayuba? Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, this is why I insisted that the Ministry of Laughter should be created to help the Ministry of Happiness and Couples’ Fulfilment. And, I thank God His Excellency listened to me.
In fact, I had made it clear to him that if he doesn’t appoint me Commissioner for Laughter, nobody will laugh again in Imo State until the election day next year. Rather, all you would see are what we call in this part of the world “stone” faces, that is, people whose faces are as unsmiling as those statuses that dot the landscape of Owerri.
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You see, I am part of the Rescue Mission, whether you acknowledge my contribution or not. Or, do you think it is easy to get people who were not smiling before, who only know how to frown and sneer at every governmental effort to rescue them from the Evil Forest where past administrators, I learnt, had kept them (after kidnapping them?), smiling again, laughing again and even clapping?
“You have been appointed in these capacities to strengthen the government that will finish very soon,” Okorocha said to my colleagues on Monday. “What matters at the end is the end of the matter. I assure you that this administration will finish strong. The seven months left for me will witness more works as done in the past seven years.”
That’s my mandate, that’s what I hope to do within the remaining few months of Okorocha administration. I want to assure you that no dry eyes will remain in their sockets after our tenure in few months time. From where I am sitting near my desktop, I can see people laughing and laughing and laughing until there’s no strength left in them to laugh any more. I can see some people falling on some of the tarred roads that Okorocha promised to build before handing over power in May next year. I can see some laugh until they fall into the fire and some laughing so much that they wouldn’t know when they cast their votes for All Progressives Congress (APC) after they had sworn never to vote for the party again. I can even see others laugh so hard as to make us give contract to contractors in charge of the business to have their statutes added to the existing ones.
I have just learnt that some people who don’t want to be rescued have sworn never to laugh no matter what I do to tickle their fancies. For such people I have some bad news for them. Don’t think I am going to use only grammar to do my work. All that I know is that you will laugh whether you like it or not. So, to that end, I have ordered for cartons of ammonia gas, commonly known as “laughing gas.” For those who want to laugh naturally, I welcome the good gesture. But for our political enemies who don’t want, I am going to spread the ammonia gas in the air and whatever you see you take. You will laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and never stop laughing. You mean, somebody would risk his political capital and appoint me Commissioner for Laughter and you expect me to just sit down there and be looking like Lucozade? No way! I must do something to, at least, impress His Excellency even if I am unable to do so to you. No palaver.
If you think that making people laugh is not a big deal, ask Ali Baba, Basket Mouth, Bovi, Seyi Law, Ayo Makun (AY), Akpororo, I Go Dye, Helen Paul, Ushebebe, Teju Babyface, I Go Save, Chioma Omeruah, Afeez Oyetoro, John Okafor, Buchi, Maraji, Tee A, Chika Okpala and Uche Nwosu, sorry, Ogbuagu.
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