Olatoun Ayoola, a sex therapist, is the Chief Executive Officer of Our Intimate Secrets, Ogudu, Lagos. Her counsels to couples have rescued many marriages that were on the brink of collapse. In an interview, the former banker highlights her experience as a relationship counsellor, and noted that many marriages are on the edge of precipice because of lack of amazing sex lives of couples.
What led you into this?
When I was working in the bank, I had a friend who was having problems with her husband; the issue was so intense that the marriage was about to break up. I needed to help her. What happened was that after she gave birth she started having issue with her libido; she couldn’t even enjoy sex with her husband, and she was about leaving the marriage.
So, I started researching on how I could help her regain her libido and her libido; her psychology, etc. That was how the journey started. I was able to help her and her husband overcome the problem. They are still together because they were able to make up and things are getting better for them.
How were you able to help the couple?
I was able to help them with the knowledge I acquired from various research and the products I recommended to them. Between three and six months, we were able to find out what the main problem in their marriage was. Apart from lack of sex, the problem was deep down in their psyche, their foundation and culture. So I was able to help them to work on this and for a period of three to six months they got better in their sexual relationship and marriage.
Some people get uncomfortable when sex is mentioned. How are you able to market this?
It is a fact that in Nigeria and by extension African culture, sex is something we talk about in a hush, hush manner; even in the actual sex act, we put off the light to do it. If you mention it outside, people wonder what kind of person you are and they conclude that something must be wrong with you; in fact they may see you as wayward.
The truth is that we are all doing it, if not we won’t have children. I know children are not thrown down from heaven; they are products of sex, it then means that sex is happening. Imagine if we are doing it in the right way, in the right manner and with the right information.
Yes, in the beginning, it was a bit hard as people were not open to the issue of sex, and we had so much to do to educate people and get them to change their views about sex.
The way we go to school to learn about different subjects that is the way we are supposed to invest in our marriage, sex life and relationship because what you can’t learn you cannot do. So, it has not been easy breaking through the barrier of secrecy about sex, but it has been very rewarding and fulfilling.
You have people that have been married for over 20 years having relationship, better and stable marriage because they have been able to deal with sexual issues.
Are women, especially men, very confident coming to you to talk about their sexual problems?
Yes, they have been coming to our office in Ogudu, Lagos, and through our online video platform. Year after year, it is getting better. In 2015, we had 25 patrons and the following year, it was more than double and it has been growing tremendously. People are getting awareness that there is problem in their marital sex life and they have decided to seek help. They have started coming, and some prefer coming in person than talking on the phone or through the internet. Some are not in Nigeria and we are still able to help them.
Do you mean that Nigerian men can put ego aside and walk to you to complain about their lack of sexual performance?
So many men are coming, it is almost like 50–50. A woman would come and say that she has a problem with sex, and a man would also come and tell you that he has issues with his sex life. Some men bring their wives and say they were not like this when they got married – that their sexual lives are diminishing and they need help. Things are changing; more men are coming to seek help; they are putting away this ego thing or the cultural arrogance that ‘I’m a Nigerian man.’ They are coming to seek help to transform their marriages. Yes, they are coming forward with their wives and some come as inidiuviduals.
Sometimes some of the men don’t know what the problem is; when they come they first book a session and from the answers to the questions, we discover what the problems are – whether it is erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, temporary premature ejaculation or permanent premature ejaculation. We ask these questions to get to the root of the problem. We also have in-house doctors to make sure that what we are doing is in line, yes, we are not dong so much medical thing, but we have to make sure that these people that are talking with us are safe with us.
Most times, men don’t know what the problem is. Some may say, ‘I’m lasting less than a minute; it was not like that before, what happened?’ We make them talk about the problem and we help them to get the exact solution needed. Some people may not need products, they just need to change their lifestyle – probably just jug around their estate and they begin to last long; it may be to stop masturbation and they begin to enjoy longer sex. It’s different strokes for different folks.
Talking about poor sexual performance or poor libido, where do performance enhancing substance come in or do you recommend them to your patrons?
In our firm, Our Intimate Secrets, we don’t administer drugs. I’m a certified sex therapist, and not a medical doctor. We cannot recommend drugs for you, we direct you to hospital for that. I don’t really subscribe to drugs; I do more of a natural therapy. If you come to us and you have libido problem, we look at you and find out the cause. Some people need counselling, therapy or psychological help, and we can go through a session with you. If we observe that everything is okay with you psychologically, you just probably need to change some things in your lifestyle – you need to eat well, go on diet, and we can give you some natural products that will help you to get better and even enhance sex.
We don’t recommend products that are synthetic; we just stay within the limit of natural products. We have products that can help overcome libido, even as a man; we have wide range of products that will enhance your sex life and which can also help a woman with orgasm problems; and a man with erection issues.
In order to get sexual satisfaction, women are now going after sex toys. Where do these come in your programme?
I have men that once came to buy sex toys for their wives. They would tell me that they were travelling, and they didn’t want their wives to feel their absence and so they buy vibrator for her.
What I have seen in this issue, first of all is that I don’t judge, I respect your individual preferences. So, if that is what you want, I advise you that it should be within limit of the best practices for sexual health; just make sure it is safe, and it is not going to put you and your partner in trouble health wise.
Every other thing goes because in Nigeria, in the context of the modern world, even sex toys are now used by couples not only individually – woman using a sex toy and the man using a masturbator; they now use it to achieve an amazing and more pleasurable sex. In that case, I think it depends on what is obtainable because no relationship or marriage is the same. What couple ‘A’ needs is different from that of couple ‘B’ – you see what you need and you adopt it.
A man that buys a sex toy for his wife, don’t you think he has erection dysfunction?
Men are even more open on this sex toy thing than women because the culture has really suppressed us; for you talk about sex too much people would think that you are a prostitute. Men can come and say, my wife has XYZ issue, what do I do?
Some men argue that living with one wife is causing them to lose interest in sex, citing the old cliché, ‘monotony loses interest’ which is leading to extramarital affairs. What is your take on this?
I very much agree that monotony kills interest on both the side of the man and the woman. As from two to three years you are already losing interest because it is the same person, and most of the times it is the same thing and you are not spicing it up or doing anything better.
For instance, when you want to make more money you will do something different from what you have been doing. It is the same thing in marriage. When you want to have amazing sexual relationship, you do different things to help you spice it up. What you are doing outside with the other person is different from what you are doing inside.
A man told me that he could not handle his wife roughly the way he would do another lady. That means we have to start from the foundation; that was where I had to help my friend few years ago. So, we look at the culture and background and help you get the right mind set. If you have that kind of mindset concerning marriage, it cannot last as the person may have three wives or more.
We are in a society that encourages monogamy because it is a lot easier; it is easier on our finances. If you want to consider monogamy you have to invest time, energy and sex to spice it up. This thing you cannot do with your wife, but you can do it with your girlfriend, why not do it with your wife. You know why? It makes no difference, because it starts in your in the head. We help you work through these limiting beliefs and mindset in your head, set you free and help you to enjoy amazing sex with your wife and help you spice it up.
Yes, monotony is a problem in marriages and nothing will change it except you decide to do something to spice up your sex life and you will do better.
Men don’t know that the energy and time they invest outside if they invest the same in their wives it will bring the same result. Even though the two women are different, but it the same thing in terms of body parts. What is different are the techniques and skills that the other person has. As a wife, that is what you have to learn; likewise the man. Sex is about pleasuring two people. As a man who does not want to look outside, how do you spice up your relationship? It takes you being conscious and intentional.
As worker, you go for training to get better on the job – that is the same thing with marriage; you should go for seminars, talk with counsellors and meet sex therapists to help you see another perspective you are not seeing in your marriage. If you have been with your partner for 15, 20 years, there is a side that you have never seen that a sex therapist can discover. If you invest your time and energy in your marriage the same thing you are looking for outside you will get it inside.
Some women complain that they hardly reach orgasm. What should they do?
I get a lot of complaints from women about this. This is number one, then followed by libido. Only about 25 per cent of women will have orgasm through penetration. Sometimes you hear men say, ‘my wife fakes orgasm because she wants to please me.’ It doesn’t only mean that I should have an orgasm when penetration is happening, which is not true. An orgasm can come in any type of stimulation apart from penetration.
A woman who wants to experience orgasm should find out how to get pleasure; if she is able to do that, then she can teach her husband how to because do it – you can’t give what you don’t have.
Women should bear in mind that it is not only through penetration that they can experience orgasm; there are different types of orgasm. You have clitoral orgasm and orgasm through breast stimulation. Don’t box your self into a corner that it is only through penetration that you can have orgasm.
As a sex therapist what has been your experience?
It has been amazing and of course there are different things that have come. There have been the high and low moments; there are times when you need to awaken people’s consciousness on the right thing to do.
I think we are getting better in Nigeria as to taking the help and being better in our marriages, in our relationships and in our sex lives.
It has been a rewarding journey and I have been able to help marriages.