Inspiration for this caption and indeed this entry comes from recently running into elder brother and senior colleague, Bassey Udo, after nearly three years. A long time ago, the then university student and staff of Federal Ministry of Information had written an evergreen iconic piece. It had the caption: Only in Nigeria. Mr Udo, “the former Business Editor of Premium Times, is now Team Lead of MEDIATRACNET Nigeria, an Abuja-based online newspaper dedicated to business and the extractive industries”.
The “serial award-winning investigative reporter” whose specialty is in reporting “finance, energy, oil, gas and extractive industries” matters and I connect three dots. One, like me, he’s from Uruan; the best local government area, globally. If you don’t agree, please go and write your own column. Uruan is the best in all Akwa Ibom State, in all Nigeria, in all Africa and -with Morocco having broken the World Cup quarter-finals Africa jinx- I can confirm that Uruan LGA is number one in all the world.
Apart from his Uruanness, the other thing about big brother Bassey Udo that gives me a kick is that he’s effortlessly a brilliant journalist, a fantastic model, who -like me- was trained in the great University of Uyo. However, his greatest plus as far as I am concerned is his humanity. He just loves his friends. There’s not a single time Mr Udo and I ever met that he didn’t discuss brotherhood and friendship and if I had heard from or seen this or that mutual friend of ours.
Four Saturdays ago was no different. He had flown into Akwa Ibom to attend the funeral of the mother of his colleague, Mr Eddy Ekpenyong, my mentor. The ten minutes we spent on the sidelines of the event in Itu and our subsequent telephone conversations complete with his inevitable warmth have continued to reverberate in my mind’s ear. This entry is my own small way of honouring the big man of love.
This is it. Only in politics nigeriana does nothing good add up. Excellence is not a criterion; not a plus. In fact, excellence is a disincentive; a minus, an incremental disadvantage, a curse; if the excellency is not smart enough to remain humble, long-suffering and focused.
Go from James town to Duke town to Isuikwuato -the bigheaded threesome- to Nembe Brass to Okokomaiko; all the way to Kafanchan and to Damaturu and back. All you see and only in politics nigeriana is either the nonsensification of excellence in broad daylight or at night the excellencification of nonsense. Sssh, stop pointing the finger at just the political players. Political spectators or electorate are their partners in crime.
Only in politics nigeriana can those who should do something do nothing at all but feel good about it. Only in politics nigeriana do people bear the brunt of incompetence and corruption but wave away the golden opportunity to change things. Only in politics nigeriana can you find the troubleshooter ignored, passed over or dismissed but the troublemaker is accommodated, pampered or promoted to the head table. Only in politics nigeriana is virtue a vice and vice versa.
There are two other ways to say that: either, only in politics nigeriana is good evil and evil good or, only in politics nigeriana is sense nonsense and nonsense sense. Only in politics nigeriana is the accuser known to be guilty but the accused -known by all to be completely and totally guiltless- is directed to either avoid or play along with the miniature Satan; for peace to reign. Only in politics nigeriana do you maintain (or ensure) peace by pleasing the devil. Only in politics nigeriana is the righteous person never favoured or considered or feared.
Only in politics nigeriana does someone dig what I call a progressive pit for another in the full glare of everybody but having later become friends turn around all of 180 degrees to accuse a new enemy of the deed and people carry on as if that’s not an abomination. Only in politics nigeriana do people know the solution but shamelessly elect not to do it and heavens don’t fall. Only in politics nigeriana is stupidity or deceit or evil offered the baptismal pet name: politics. Only in politics nigeriana do we clap ecstatically when we should cry mournfully.
Only in politics nigeriana does someone who had often been severely blackmailed (the way Nigerian politicians understand it) and punished wrongfully in the aftermath have no qualms believing suchlike hogwash peddled against another. Only in politics nigeriana is experience nothing. Only in politics nigeriana is church not church. Only in politics nigeriana is church anything but God’s house or sane congregation.
Only in politics nigeriana can someone be caught red-handed but denies or justifies it blatantly and mammoth crowds gather in support, cheering; virtually and physically. Only in politics nigeriana does abomination not exist. Only in politics nigeriana does shame not exist. Only in politics nigeriana does shock not exist.
Only in politics nigeriana does fire not burn. Only in politics nigeriana does poison not kill. Only in politics nigeriana is capacity not capable. Only in politics nigeriana is character nothing.
Only in politics nigeriana can money or more money legally buy a leadership spot. Only in politics nigeriana are ethnicity and religion and who-you-know legal tenders even in such hypersensitive matter as election. Only in politics nigeriana are the masses comfortable with selling their future every four years but all through thereafter bemoan their fate until another opportunity presents itself. Only in politics nigeriana does a candidate in one election plot the failure of their party’s candidate for another office in the same election cycle.
Only in politics nigeriana is leadership just by a stroke of announcement. Yes, only in politics nigeriana do you not need any history, any record, any certification to become anything. Only in politics nigeriana is it a crime to not be a criminal. Yes, only in politics nigeriana is clean considered dirty.
Only in politics nigeriana is everyone long on talk but short on action. Only in politics nigeriana do people say things they don’t mean and mean things they don’t say. Only in politics nigeriana do words mean zilch. Only in politics nigeriana would you find everyone with ideas begging desperately for a chance whereas those who know nothing and can do nothing have the same chance begging them instead.
Only in politics nigeriana would strange bedfellows find the one reason (self interest) to declare until-death-do-us-part. Only in politics nigeriana is there no permanent good nor permanent bad. Only in politics nigeriana do people eat their puke so sumptuoulsy, so proudly.
Only in politics nigeriana do you find a people with such dwarfish memory.
Only in politics nigeriana is friendship or enmity nil. Only in politics nigeriana are people ruled by selfish interest, lousy sentiments and dirty ego rather than by facts, figures and sense. Only in politics nigeriana can a nobody become a somebody overnight and after a tenure or two revert to status quo ante bellum. Only in politics nigeriana are things as small and low as falsehood, mediocrity and failure allotted big, high and mighty positions everywhere you go.
Only in politics nigeriana would you find haters of society posturing as world’s most loving and dishonourable people parading themselves as not only honourable but also right honourable this and that. Only in politics nigeriana do most decisions not make sense. Only in politics nigeriana can some people ever function. Only in politics nigeriana are meetings that demand fresh ideas, vigour and alertness held so late at night.
Only in politics nigeriana does everybody play everybody and everybody understands the game, and the beat goes on. Only in politics nigeriana is leadership both turn by turn and an all-comers affair. Only in politics nigeriana do you put something on nothing or somebody to pair nobody -and it stands. Only in politics nigeriana is the godfather loved, hated, loved, hated and hated.
Only in politics nigeriana can they discard anybody at anytime. Only in politics nigeriana is no one or nothing useless forever. Only in politics nigeriana is magic or miracle a belief system. Only in politics nigeriana do people play with fire so foolishly.
Fortunately, only in politics nigeriana shall Nigerians take back our country when we come (as we soon shall) to the make or mar final busstop. Only in politics nigeriana that messed up our country is our national solution hidden like crude oil under the ocean. Only in politics nigeriana can 2023 throw up surprises that shall fix our country. God bless Nigeria!