A few days ago, I was with a group of friends when we were asked this question: ‘Will you marry a man who comes from a village where you swear to the village deity every year that you did not cheat on your husband?’
Well, every lady there said yes, as long as she loves him and he loves her bla bla bla. After all they have no plans to cheat on their husbands.
I said no. I cannot marry such a man. They looked at me like I was sprouting horns. Let me explain. The issues are deeper for me than just swearing before a deity or infidelity.
It’s about women and the rights that the society accords them. Any society that still takes women to shrine in this day and age is most likely a highly misogynistic society.
Going to swear before a deity is just one manifestation of that misogyny. I am willing to bet with half of my salary that in that same village, women are also treated like chattel. They are most likely to be predominantly illiterates, ignorant, diseased and economically disempowered.
In that same community, you will find a preponderance of wicked widow hood rites, washing cadavers for widows to drink, shaving their hair and constant accusation of witchcraft or killing their husbands, neither will women be allowed to inherit or hold property in their own names, etc.
These societal ills are most likely to occur together as a lump. One cannot occur without the other. I have held this belief for a long time, and I am right that a society can be judged by the status of its women.
Such a village will expend a lot of valuable but scarce energy, time and resources to subjugate women. For God’s sake, who in her right senses will want to marry into such a place? Definitely not me.
And I am willing to bet the other half of my salary that the men in that village are not obligated to swear on anything to prove their own fidelity plus, even if they are caught, the deity will not say anything. What a double standard!
You can never win in a society like that because everything will be your fault. You will find yourself dodging or responding to baseless allegations all the time. You cannot get it right, that is the way patriarchy is designed.
The sad reality though, is that it takes women to enforce such obscene traditions. Women will be at the fore front of shaving a fellow woman’s hair off. They will be the ones lashing out at a woman who does not live her life according to the dictates of patriarchy. They are the ones who will ostracize their fellow woman and drag her to the shrine.
This is the context within which we women must come to terms with the fact that we went through or suffered something does not mean every other woman must go through same. As women, we must learn to take a stand to say that the vicious cycle must end with us.
If you did not enjoy being accused of witchcraft, don’t be the one to add your voice when another woman is being accused. If you cannot help a woman out of her misery, please do not add to it.
We must understand the need to raise our sons right. Not only are you raising your son, you are raising someone’s husband and father. So when your children call you blessed, your daughter-in-law joins them too.
By guest columnist Ajalah Naret Omusa
RE: THIS YEAR, REFUSE TO ABUSE PRIVILEGES
“I am your regular fan and wish to appreciate your write-up on abuse. It was superb. I enjoyed it because I am a regular victim of random visits both in Abuja and in my village. Please keep up with your motivational writings. God bless you.”
–Chief J. Emetubelem, Abuja
Amaka, you seem to be on my mind, you just wrote everything I always complain about. Most Nigerians don’t understand the meaning of privacy. It’s either they are barging into you at home or at the office, or they are bugging you endlessly with calls in the name of greeting or soliciting for funds.
–Mr U. Romanus
I once abandoned an uninvited regular visitor in my living room to take a nap. I was just tired of his presence especially ignoring obvious signs that his visits are no longer welcomed. After 4 hours in my bedroom, I still returned to meet this person where I left him with no intention of leaving anytime soon. I had no option but to ask him to leave and stop coming to my house until he calls and I approve of it. It was a bit harsh, but this person just refused to understand all the obvious signs. Thank you.
–Chief Lawrence