Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, abeg make una forgive me o. Do you know that all this while I’d been busy writing norm-sense in this column, I have never, for one day, bothered to prey and commit this country into the galled hands! For you, should that not rather be too strange an act in an overwhelmingly religion-minded con-try where everybody wants to travel abroad on a peel-grim-image (pilgrimage?) to Israel or Saudi Arabia, to see where they gave us those wander-ful commandments we all have refused to keep at home here in Laigeria (Nigeria?).
This is why I am going to spend the whole specs (space?) given to me in this column to pray for our deer country. So? Close your ‘i’s’ and let us pray! First, we need to pray for all those who are angry with me that I called Nigeria my or our deer country. We need to pray that the gored should open their ‘i’s’ to understand that deer is a ruminant animal. Secondly, we need to pray that the gored should four-give all their scenes for being angry with a man who told them the truth and nothing but the truth.
For those of you who are still speaking, though tongues and tribes differ, quiet everywhere, please. We are now going into the main business of the day and that is bringing our prayer requests and needs before the galled! And, we will start with this request from the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC).
As you must have read or heard, we have eight million Permanent Voters Cards awaiting collection. Imagine! Eight million people who do not want to vote anymore just because the people they voted into pour-lick-trick-all (political?) offices at the Notional Assembly level, in times past, are busy collating about N13 million a month while their Guava-nors counterparts are busy driving bullion vans to banks. Holy Ghost fire! We are going to pray that the galled should touch (torch?) their hats!
Someone just whispered in my ear that if we are praying that way, it is good and proper that we extend the request to cover Gele and other headgears. Kai, menini ubanka! Who said we came here to talk about efuemun’Izzi (feminisim?). We are praying about something serious and somebody is busy thinking about ministry of men and women affairs. Don’t forget that I am the one leading in this prayer meeting. So? Please, give me a break!
Ehm, where did we stop? Ok, I remember. Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, let us pray that God Almighty, in His wisdom, will close the ‘i’s’ of voters to the acts of corruption and injustice Papa-trated (perpetrated?) by us in office until after the forthcoming election in 2019. Let also ask our mighty God to send His angels to conduct next year election. Let us pray that INEC officials would submit their Form E’s to them after the election. Let us pray that in places where duly registered voters refused to vote or voted but with a low turnout, that angels would vote, and, perhaps, turn the eight million people who refused to collect their PVCs into 80 million for any favoured political party. Oya, gbadura! (Pray!).
Call it voters apathy (akpati?) or what, na you sabi. I don’t care. Let us pray that since our votes do not count any more, make the angels kukuma allocate any number they like to any favoured political party. Somebody just whispered something that sounded like Biafra into my ears just now. If I slap you eh, you will know that khaki no bi leather. If I sound your ear (apologies to English-learning Nigerians), it is only the sound of the spirits’ music you go dey hear till you die.
Silence, please. Before we continue, I need to confess my sins. I am one of those who left their PVC at Ekeoha market in Aba but somebody said he saw it at Ekeonunwa market in Owerri. I told you guys that PVCs sometimes embark on astral and space travels. If anybody is looking for an iron-clad proof of that, there it is! But I am not going anywhere to pick it. I hereby donate it to rats and rabbits to make their mattresses and pillows with. I am here to confess that I am one of those who left their PVC (Poverty Verification Certificate?) with INEC. Let them cook it and eat if they don’t know what else to do with it. I am not going to tear it like Baba (Olusegun Obasanjo) tore his membership card. Neither am I going to do what Obiageli Ezekwesili did with hers in anger.
Don’t forget that we are still preying. Let us pray for the piece we lack in our country’s big cake. Let us pray that God Almighty, in His wisdom, will grant us access to the piece of the cake we all like, as he did for the good people at Access Bank. He should unite us like the Unity and Union Banks and continue to keep our country united as United Bank for Africa.
Let us pray to Him to take us to the zenith of success like investors did Zenith Bank and keep us trustworthy like stakeholders did Guaranty Trust Bank and make our characters as sterling as Sterling Bank. Or, as diamond as Diamond Bank. And, may we be as enterprising as Enterprise Bank and first in all good things – sports, soccer, just name it, like First Bank of Nigeria and as faithful as Fidelity Bank.
In all our cities, may we prosper like Citibank and key into visions like Keystone Bank. May we leave a good heritage like Heritage Bank and a good monument to achievements like First City Monument Bank is doing. On our streets, may we blossom like Mainstreet Bank until we reach the sky like Skye Bank. Let all those who like our prayers say Amen!