Dear parents,
I want to thank you for my successful secondary school education, which came to an end with the just concluded West African Examinations Council (WAEC) that has come and gone. I am not interested in the ongoing National Examination Council (NECO) because WAEC is all that I need. This letter is to inform you that I have decided to leave your household to see the other side of life with my friends and that ‘YOU SHOULD NOT BOTHER TO LOOK FOR ME.’ I am in safe hands. You parents were too strict for my liking, you do not allow me the freedom I need, especially to pursue my dream of being an actress; therefore, I have decided to move on with my life as I repeat ‘do not look for me, I am in safe hands.”
Lonely girl!
With absolutely no qualms about the impact of what she had made up her mind to do, a 16-year-old gave a heart breaking ‘parting gift’ to her parents in a note she dropped in their room, before running off to search for fame and fortune in Nollywood.
Nora Roberts (not her real name) recently finished writing the West African Senior School Examination (WSSSCE) conducted by the West African Examination Council (WAEC), at a secondary school in Lagos State. While her mates are still battling with NECO in case they fail to get good grades in WASSCE, to qualify for admission into higher institutions, she considered sitting for the NECO SSCE a waste of time.
Nora’s case clearly contrasts with the heartwarming news about Tobi Amusan who set a new world record in 100 metres hurdle in Eugene, Oregon, USA. Obviously, Amusan set out to pursue her dream in athletics with the blessings of her parents. But Nora chose to pursue her ambition to become an actress without the blessings of her parents. Her decision has since given her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Roberts, sleepless nights. Her parents have not known rest from the moment they began searching for her one month ago. Their search has so far proved fruitless.
As I sat reflecting on the story of Nora and her deep, vicious stab in the heart of her parents, one question has kept resonating in my mind: what do youths want more from parents? When her father narrated the story of how the unfortunate saga began, the family’s agony was palpable. Mr Roberts said: “Trouble started the moment she returned from school after writing the WASSCE as a day-student. We noticed she was continuously on her Android phone, even in the wee hours of the night, when she should be resting. She hardly does household chores and as a result, her mother seized the distracting piece of technology from her as her attitude became an issue to us. In the slightest altercation with her mother who thought she was playing her protective role, we both raised our voices to correct her. But in the morning of the particular she ran away, we had reprimanded her as parents and left for the day’s business. We returned to meet a letter waiting for us.
We raised alarm in the neighbourhood, called on our families, police and school authorities to help us trace and bring her home. Our efforts have not yielded any fruit. I do agree that it is not the business of the school to produce her because she was a day-student who would sign in and out on a daily basis. Involving the school authorities is to seek assistance and support through her friends in school who might know her whereabouts.”
Described by few of her friends and classmates as a cheery person but given to mood swings, Nora’s disappearance naturally came to her parents as a big shock. Her father, a printer is down and out and yet to comprehend what went amiss because having a child run away is every parent’s nightmare. The most important point is that a child who runs away from home has made a bad decision. It is either that Nora got caught up in something or feeling pressure that she felt the need to escape from it. Rather than face the problem positively and solve it, she chose to run away. It is a well known fact most African mothers are strong in discharging their parenting responsibilities. You come away with this conviction when you hear Mrs. Robert say: “I do not owe my daughter any apology for playing my role as a mother. All I did was to scold and correct her inappropriate behaviour. No one wants her own child to dwell in delinquency and therefore the need to nip it in the bud the moment such irresponsible conduct rears its ugly head.”
I fully agree with this quote from “Total Transformation: The Complete Guide to Consequences” which says: “There are some parents who look for their children to make sure they are okay; I understand that instinct. Tracing it biblically, when the prodigal son went away and returned, his father celebrated. But again, I don’t think parents want to give a child too much power or special status when they run away. If a child runs away and gets begged to return home, when they do, they will have more power while the parent gets less power; and at any altercation, the child would flash the run-away card.”
Again, it is also a possibility that some children who run away from their homes have loving family but could be dealing with mental health issues, drug use, family conflicts, shameful mistakes they don’t want to face or other unknown causes; but for whatever reason, they do not trust seeking help from home as a good idea, and that remains the real reason for running away. No matter how we look at it, a teenager running away is a bad choice and a call for help; it is most likely not a power struggle or manipulative behaviour; there might be need for an experienced therapist or clinical psychologist to intervene when the child is found. When teenagers run away from the home, they feel their parents are suffocating them, being overly demanding, acting forceful, or dominating them, and in their minds running away becomes the option without considering the risks involved.
To our dear young adults, the question is: what do you really want from parents, families and the society? Do you want a situation where no corrective measure is applied to erroneous behaviour? The rate at which you desire this so-called freedom might get you to a point of no return. I do agree that a number of parents have really erred and been somewhat careless and negligent in the ecourse of raising their children. However, the majority of parents do their best to raise successful children with impressive conduct.
It is worrisome that some young people do not realize that parents send them to school to enable them lay a foundation for their future, of which they will be the first beneficiary when they succeed. Whoever they remember when they succeed in life is secondary. When they engage in vices, do they realise that they can die in the course of it? Do they also know that in the course of deviant conduct, they can become mentally deranged? All because the young person yielded to peer pressure that resulted from wrong association.
A lot has been said and written about the tendency of youths of the digital age to indulge in irresponsible lifestyle, which entail all manner of immorality. Today, young ones engage in cybercrime, nudity, truancy, laziness, unseriousness to academics, among other manifestation of wrong conduct. Once again, I ask what do they really want?
To our young people, I say this heartfelt missive: “When you no longer listen or care about what we say, we are still your parents. When you decide we are old fashioned and want to go your own way, we are still your parents. When you talk back, complain and argue with us, we are still your parents. When you think you know more than we do, we are still your parents. When you move away and take a piece of our heart with you, we are still your parents and we will love you as much as the first day we held you in our arms, and will always pray for you and make sure your wings are strong enough to soar because we are still your parents. We will always have room for you and keep a hug to welcome you back until our last breath. We will keep holding to our love for you and thank God everyday for the privilege and joy of being your parents.”
Dear Parents, keep being wonderful people to your children, but the greatest care is to re-assure them of your love every day, no matter the situation. Teach them problem solving skills, empathizing and investing in them rather than focusing on correction and direction. If it means sitting down with them and listening to their thoughts, frustrations and offering solution, do it. This also means empowering them to work through the hard stuff. Beyond all these, you must pray for them without ceasing, consistently submitting them to the Most High, the Creator, whose heritage they really are, and therefore belong to Him alone.