A lot of women are unhappy about failed relationships and marriages. They keep wondering why all their efforts to make their marriages heaven on earth backfire.
Some of these women are married to men who disrespect them. Others end up with men who see them as nothing but trophies to be acquired and discarded at will. The sad thing is that a lot of women are hurting. Many married women are veiling their hurts with church activities and endless prayers. They are nursing emotional, psychological and sometimes, physical hurts because of the kind of men they are in relationships with.
One common denominator in most of these cases is that these women chose men who clearly are not husband or relationship material and hoping by some chance they will suddenly transform and be good men.
As a woman, if you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship or husband material, then you are setting yourself up to fail before you even begin. Marriage won’t change him.
Some ladies go into toxic and dysfunctional relationships with their eyes wide open and suddenly expect the miracle of behaviour change after they marry these men.
Whether you are single, dating, or in a serious relationship, you need to know the qualities you have to look for in a man, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and husband material.
A man who is a husband material loves your good qualities and accepts your bad sides without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so.
A marriage will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise as life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him, he will be in it with you, he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you.
He is not one who flees at the first sight of challenges. He doesn’t blame the witches in your village when you become terminally ill or start having challenges in your career or business. He doesn’t abandon you when you need him the most.
A man who considers you when making decisions is one you should marry. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you, that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world.
A growth-oriented guy will want to strengthen his character and work on it. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say your problem and this is the way he is and you need to deal with it.
Many Nigerian guys with bad attitude and poor social skills fall into this category. They talk to women anyhow and expect these women to keep quiet and take all the trash they dish out all in the name of that’s the way they are.
As a woman, you should build your future with a guy who accepts his weaknesses and tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth-oriented he will at least try.
If that man is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you both are on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. Sharing common beliefs and values is important when you are ready to settle down.
And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand and that you both are willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling middle ground. This can refer to religion, core values, and lifestyle preferences.
In a relationship, you and your man are a team. He sees you as his partner, his equal, as someone of great value who he can grow with, not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, be there to satisfy his needs.
He respects everything about you, your thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, and your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you make.
A husband material is one who is willing to make efforts towards the success of your relationship. If there is a problem, he finds a way to solve it because he wants to work harder, be better, and be his best self.
A husband material is someone you can communicate with without fear. He is a man you can talk to about tough issues even if both of you are upset with each other. You won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important.
Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together with open communication.
A trustworthy man is husband material. You feel safe being open and honest with him and are not afraid of him violating that trust or using anything against you. You trust that he won’t leave you unexpectedly, that he is genuine and means what he says.
With this man, you don’t feel an underlying sense of suspicion, like he has some ulterior motives. You trust that he cares about you deeply and would never intentionally hurt you.
A guy can have all the qualities on this list but if he doesn’t want to marry you, or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not your husband. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows that on time.
That’s not to say you will get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career, more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment, she won’t be left hanging, guessing or wondering about what he wants with her.
Re: Why women should embrace their sexuality
Kate, if boys according to you have mastered the art of self-pleasuring, my question is with whom do the boys master the act of self-pleasuring with? Most ladies these days are not virgins like they claim to be. -Amandi Zandas Patrick, Jos
Kate, you are my number one superwoman. You are a woman that doesn’t care about what people say about you. I love your courage, keep it up! Talking about women sexuality, sometimes I ask myself why women are always at fault in almost everything they do. It is like women are not free in this country.
Like you said, from age 18, some boys have started sleeping with girls but if a girl does that it will become an abomination, why? A man can have sex with a woman anytime but if a woman tries it when she is not married, she is called names.
It is laughable that men who are not virgins are looking for virgins to marry. If they meet one or two ladies who are sexually active and are not virgins, they start whining about how girls of nowadays are spoilt. I wonder what happened to their virginity. -Onuoha Onyinye, Lagos
Manhater, you should call God on phone and ask him why he said that women must keep their virginity or they will be stoned to death. Writing rubbish will not change anything. -Keke man
A woman can explore her sexuality. It is not a problem if only it allows her to discover herself and know what makes her tick. The issue at hand is to know what is best for a woman sexually and how to treat her as an equal partner in a non-transactional sexual relationship. The fact that a woman is being asked to preserve herself is for her own good. STDs and AIDS are prevalent as evidence of sexual recklessness. We all have a duty to educate our children on the benefits of weighing the options before getting involved in sex. -Femi Oni
In Christianity, it is not only women that are advised to be holy and avoid premarital sex until marriage. Both men and women receive the same teachings and command. And both would receive the same reward for obedience or punishment for violation. Besides, we should know that women are the direct agents of human procreation in the world and they wired to receive and conceive by nature. Stop preaching the gospel of sexual promiscuity among the womenfolk. Don’t say you have no apology.
-Dr. Abraham NTC
You have decided to fire from all cylinders. Your opinion is running against the course of human nature. There is a strong need to gauge desire. The society, religion and tradition have roles to play in moulding the next generation. The implication can be damning when a young girl gets loose. A woman reaches her sexual best within the context of marriage or a stable relationship. Think of the respect and benefits. Once a female decides to do it anyhow, she will be treated like a whore. -08023….813
There are lots of social and health consequences if a woman is allowed to explore her sexuality from her early stage of life. The society knows that. Keep on with your good works but try to take your teachings to secondary school and undergraduates students.-Uzo, Sokoto
As factual and revealing as this write-up is, it will take open-minded realists not to see it as encouraging sexual immorality among women. I see the write up as a wakeup call to the traditional and cultural minded individuals including religious clergies to balance their thinking, preaching and practices.
Embracing or mastering sexuality does not necessarily mean pre-marital sexual exploration; rather it is the need for proper education for men and women to take charge of their sexuality.
The matter of virginity and chastity remains a personal conviction. I hope narrow-minded readers don’t take this realistic view out of context. -Pastor Stephen, Abuja
Dear Kate, before selfish men start raining abuses on you, I will say more grease to your elbow. I have a precious daughter and I will enlighten her at 13. When she attains 16, she will go into a consummate relationship. At 22, she becomes a full-blown woman and I will be proud to give her out in marriage. -Cletus Frenchman, Enugu