These days, when some women complain about the treatment they get from their husbands, I listen to them, shrug my shoulders and walk away. In the past, I would have been worked up to the point of getting angry and saying some unpleasant things about such men but experience has taught me to keep my feelings in check when dealing with married Nigerian women.
Most times, these women know that the men they are getting married to don’t live them, don’t respect them, their values and beliefs or life dreams. They know these men are violent, abusive and disrespectful, yet they date and marry these men hoping that marriage will change them. I have said this before, let me say it again… marriage doesn’t change bad behaviour, it amplifies it.
A man who doesn’t see you as his equal won’t automatically start treating you like one because you exchanged wedding vows. The man who disrespects you, your parents, your family, who talks down on you, belittles you, mocks you and disregards your feelings won’t change because of marriage. Women should stop deluding themselves. If you cannot put up with a man’s bad behaviour, don’t marry him. Don’t start what you cannot finish. You shouldn’t walk into fire with your eyes open.
When people say the reason a lot of marriages are failing these days is because women are no longer submissive, I laugh. I know that what these people mean is that many women are no longer willing to put up with abuse, neglect, disrespect, loneliness and humiliation just to remain married. What some of these men want are women like their mothers and grandmothers who endured abuse of all kind but stayed back because of their ‘children’.
Marriages are failing these days because people go into marriage for different selfish reasons. Some women get married just to leave their parents houses, some get married just because their mates are getting married, others get married because of money, to upgrade their social status, to show other people that they have arrived and because they want to have children. This is why they end in bad marriages sometimes.
Some men get married because they want to be eating home made food, others get married because they want a woman who will be cleaning their houses, washing their clothes, and taking care of them as if their hands are for decoration. Some men get married just to escape pressure from family and friends. They get married to give their parents grandchildren.
This is why these men end up with women who are good with the art of pretence and problem starts. These women can cook and clean well but they are lionesses at home. Some husbands can’t even discuss their business problems and financial challenges with their wives because they not interested. The only thing they know is how to spend money, they don’t care how the money comes.
Marriage is a big life decision that you should not make without a lot of thought and reflection. If you don’t have shared beliefs and values with a person, you don’t have to marry them. This is a life long decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. To help you get started, consider some qualities of the person you should marry.
The person you want to marry must respect your beliefs and values. If you both can’t agree on serious issues, you don’t have a business getting married. It will end in tears. The person you marry doesn’t have to agree with you on every issue, but even so, you must have a mutual respect for each other’s core beliefs and values. It is not possible to keep loving a person you don’t respect.
Your prospective spouse should help you grow as a person. They should help you evolve into a better version of yourself. That doesn’t mean they should belittle you with insults or tell you that you are not “good enough,” because positive transformation cannot happen without total acceptance of who you are; but your partner should challenge you to step up your game in every aspect of your life.
If you don’t trust someone, don’t marry them. Trust is a huge deal in a marriage.
The person you marry shouldn’t be snooping through your phone, private messages, or browsing history. If they are concerned about a specific issue, they should confront you about it without mincing words or sneaking behind your back.
Marry someone who makes time together a priority or else, you will end up married to yourself, alone and lonely. This is the sad reality of some women in marriages these days. The person you should marry needs to make time for you, because even the best relationship cannot survive without proper care and attention.
If you must get married, marry someone who has a life outside your relationship. Marriage is not a cage where people enter and are trapped for life. The person you marry shouldn’t expect you to spend every waking moment with them, because you have hopes and dreams beyond the scope of your relationship. And besides, two people can only spend so much time together before getting fed up with each other, so a little bit of space will be good for both of you.
You should marry someone who expresses how much they appreciate you. Don’t marry a man who believes that women don’t deserve compliments and start whining later. The person you marry should make a point of expressing why they appreciate you, how they feel about you, and what physical qualities about yourself that they find attractive, handsome, sexy, or hot. It’s easy to feel your partner doesn’t care without the occasional compliment, so make sure they truly appreciate the role you play in their life.
The person you should marry should be able to make compromises. They shouldn’t be a weak-willed pushover who bends to your every whim, but that doesn’t mean they get to be stubborn and unyielding too or have their way all the time. Your partner should be willing to talk through any given issue with you and make a compromise that might not be exactly what either of you want, but is nonetheless fair to you both. Don’t marry someone who believes you are inferior to him and therefore won’t consult you before taking important decisions that might affect you both when you get married.
Marry someone who respects your parents and family members. The way some men and women relate with their matrimonial family members is appalling. Your would be spouse doesn’t have to enjoy spending time with your family but they should still have enough respect to do so without complaints. Don’t marry someone who insults your parents and family members whenever you have a disagreement, it will get worse if you get married. You might be barred from relating with your parents and family members by that time.
You should marry someone who can admit their shortcomings, take responsibility for their actions and apologize when they are wrong.
The person you should marry doesn’t have to be perfect, but they should be truthful enough to admit it when they are wrong. It is okay to make a mistake as long as it is followed by a sincere apology and honest explanation. But if your partner avoids all conflict, denies all short-comings, and is unwilling to apologize, you might want to abandon ship unless facing a constant storm of marital strife sounds like fun.
You should marry someone who share your vision for the future. This person doesn’t have to be on the exact same life path as you, but your trails should converge in enough places so that you can both reach your final destination together. In other words: If your partner wants to travel overseas, but you’re too scared to even get in the plane, then you might have a problem.
Marry someone who is faithful to you. Stop listening to people who tell you that your spouse must cheat on you. If you want to get frisky in bed with other invited guests, that decision should be taken by you and your spouse but it’s very important that you and your partner are both on the same page. Cheating is a thoughtless and inconsiderate act that is unforgivable in the eyes of many. It can lead to many bad things like infections, sexually transmitted diseases, HIV, and death.
Before you get married, take your time. Don’t allow other people rush you with their life timelines. Don’t allow them push you into a toxic and abusive marriage. Look before you leap. Marriage is not easy. It requires love, friendship, respect, understanding, compromise, forgiveness and patience to have a good marriage.