By Josfyn Uba, Bianca Iboma And Ngozi Nwoke
No relationship, in recent times has generated as much controversy or been publicly scrutinized as that of Emmanuel Macron, the French President and wife, Brigitte. The global attention and criticisms it generated was understandable for obvious reasons.
In 2007, when President Macron married his wife, he was just a young 39 year old while she was a 64 year old woman. He was 25 years her junior. The age difference didn’t matter to either of them. The primary factor, according to them was love and affection
While the criticisms raged on, the French first lady confessed that she felt the most difficult time during her husband’s election to power. Brigitte who first met the young Macron 20 years before they finally got married would later, address the 25-year age difference between her and her husband in an interview with Elle Magazine.
In her words “There are times in your life where you need to make vital choices,” And for me, that was it. So, what has been said over the 20 years, it’s insignificant.”, “Of course, we have breakfast together, me and my wrinkles, him with his youth, but it’s like that. If I did not make that choice, I would have missed out on my life. I had a lot of happiness with my children and, at the same time, felt I had to live ‘this love’ as Prevert used to say, to be fully happy.”
However, in her first major interview since her husband became France’s leader, Brigitte stated “I ended by telling myself, ‘OK, I do not take it well but I have to deal with it. After, it will pass.’”
As the French First Lady rightly predicted and like everything else in life, it came to pass. All the noise has been dusted into the trash-bin of history. They are Mr. and Mrs. Emmanuel Macron.
Apart from the Macron’s, in Nigeria, they are many other celebrities who have married older women. Often times, these marriages come under intense public scrutiny for the same reason.
They are Peter of P Square musical group and wife, Lola Okoye., Deola and Darey Art Alade, Mike Edwards and Perri Shakes-Drayton, Joseph Ameh and Kaffy, the dancer, MC Fish and Anita Joseph, the actress.
A lot of issues come to haunt these seemingly unconventional relationships. From endless cruel comments in the social media to battle from family members to accept them into the family system and value, not a day goes by without heaps of criticism on their choice. The question therefore, is, does age gap matter really in a relationship or is age, like many people say, is just a number even when the woman in a is older?
Generally, age doesn’t matter, especially in today’s world. According to Daily Sun Survey, a relationship depends on the understanding and connection between two individuals, regardless of their age. A couple can have a strong relationship as long as they love, respect and care for each other. Having a partner, who is a few years older than you, is considered normal but when the age gap is too wide then it may look unconventional but modern society has come to terms with it. Therefore, it has become acceptable.
However, a study had earlier suggested that both men and women prefer a gap of approximately three years, with the man being older than the woman. It also says that older men are willing to consider a relationship with women far younger than them while women’s maximum acceptable age gap is 10 years above their age. Another study had also revealed that the age gap is not the only defining factor for the success or failure of a relationship. Most people prefer their partners to be a couple of years older or younger than them. Men prefer to date and marry women who are younger than them while women are more open in their approach. They are likely to accept younger or older men.
People’s opinion
According to Tola, a Lagos-based businessman, the above submission doesn’t hold water anymore and now belongs to history. It can go either way. The world is changing so fast. A lot of things have changed and this subject matter is not exempted. Before it was considered a taboo for a woman to marry a younger man but it is has become a norm.
Ngozi, a brand strategist said that before now, couples preferred an age gap of three to five years, with the male partner being older but that has changed. You can find couples who are age mates now. There are also cases where the difference in the age is more than 15 to 20 years, or where the female partner is older than the male and it has become acceptable by society. Age difference in relationships is a new social evolution and is being accepted as a new world order.
Adducing reasons for this generational change, Ngozi said that poor economic sustainability, social influence but most importantly, survival instinct are the primary factors driving this wind
A legal professional and Gender advocate, Efe Anaughe said society holds a negative stigma regarding age differences, in marital relationship which causes people to obsess over it. Older men can marry younger women, in the society as a norm but a younger man and older becomes an issue for heated argument.
And, that is why when we start developing feelings for people outside of our age brackets, we think our feelings are wrong. We often put up walls and flee for the mountains, but before shutting the door on the chance at love, think about your potential lover’s maturity level. If you both are on the same level of maturity, don’t let the attached age number cloud your decision.Age gap does not matter but the maturity in the relationship.
It doesn’t matter. Age is just a number. All that matters is that they love each other. A lady can marry a man who’s older or younger than her in developed world, A man can also marry a woman who’s older or younger than him and society What really matters is that they love and understand each other.
For Joseph Ani, a resident in Edu community, Igbesa-Agbar 0gun state, his view is that for a man to be married to an older woman, age difference between couples was inconsequential, as other factors now play more vital roles in a relationship. “ I don’t see age as a factor inhibiting a good relationship between couples, I have seen a couple whose wife, is four years older than him. The woman accords him the respect usually deserving of a husband,’’ he said.
Julius said his decision to marry his wife was borne out of love and the respect she shows him in spite of their age differences.
Similarly, Mr Akorede Eyintope, a civil servant criticized the discrimination by the society when women married younger men, while also applauding men for performing similar act.Africa, people believe that an older man can marry a younger lady and nobody will question it but when it comes to an older lady marrying a younger man, it becomes a problem.
A Clergy woman, Winning Power International Ministries, Pastor Eunice Iferi Chukwuemeka said that there are not many things about marriage that have a straight-jacketed answer- yes or no or black or white. Often times, many patches are grey as after all said and done, marriage becomes an individual decision.
It’s the decision of those involved, having said that, I would not marry a man younger than I am, maybe because I have three biological younger brothers and I can’t imagine that a man their age will be pushing me around in the name of marriage. Howbeit, let the narrative change for once na, old men don de marry small girls. For once, let an older woman marry a baby her son’s age. It’s not funny and it doesn’t make any sense.
Tosin Burty’s opinion is that when it comes to marriage and relationships, age is no longer a number. The men are supposed to be older than the women. I am sure that’s how God wants it, because he created Adam before Eve. It’s really awkward for a woman to marry a younger guy. Personally, my wife is way younger than I am. I love and respect her more.
Marriage and life expectancy
Marriage generally improves life expectancy, but the age gap between a couple affects the life expectancy of men and women very differently. With daily cruel remarks and condemnations, is an older woman in a relationship likely to live longer as compared to an older man marrying a younger wife?
According to the Journal of Marriage and Family published by the National Council on Family Relations analysis of 1968 mortality data and comparable 1970 census data for women showed that women married to younger men tended to live longer than expected, while women married to older men tended to die sooner than expected.
But a few years ago, a study by Sven Drefahl at the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rosktock, Germany, shows that the greater the age gap between a woman and her husband, the shorter her life expectancy, regardless of whether he is older or younger. According to Drefahl’s report, a man who is between seven and nine years older than his wife has an 11% lower mortality rate than a man whose wife is the same age as him. However, a woman who is between seven and nine years older than her husband has a 20% greater mortality rate than if she were with a man the same age.
Researchers had always thought that healthier individuals were in a better position to choose younger spouses and so already had a longer life expectancy. A younger spouse may also have a beneficial psychological effect on the older partner and provide them with better care in old age.
However, Drefahl’s study casts doubt on these ideas, since they do not hold for women marrying younger men.
“These theories now have to be reconsidered,” said Drefahl. “The reasons for mortality differences due to the age gap of the spouses remain unclear.”
Some explanation may lie in the quality of friendships men and women form throughout life. Women tend to have more close friendships outside marriage and so benefit less than men from having a partner. “Unlike the benefits of a younger wife, a younger husband wouldn’t help extend the life of his older wife by taking care of her, going for a walk with her and enjoying late life together. She already has friends for that. The older man, however, doesn’t,” said Drefahl.
For Drefahl, women with much younger husbands may die younger on average because they experience more stress, married men and women both tend to live longer than unmarried individuals. The life expectancy of women in general is higher than men.
Advantages of age gap in a relationship
.Maturity: The older one in the relationship can help make mature decisions, emotionally and also financially. They may also bring in their maturity in times of discord in the relationship, due to past experiences.
Interesting views: A couple with an age gap can have different views and outlook towards life. It brings in some freshness into the relationship and helps each other understand and accept the other’s ideas.
Financial stability: An older partner is likely to be settled better as they start it early in life. This provides an added advantage of a stable financial position for the couple.
Healthy balance: In the long run as the couple ages, the younger partner can support the older one physically, financially and emotionally. This also helps in keeping the family and the children stable.
While a decent age gap might bring in advantages, a wide gap might have more drawbacks than merits.
Demerits
Every marriage is laced with challenges while age gap relationships also suffer peculiar disadvantages
According to a study done by the Household, Income and Labor Dynamics in Australia, the relationship might turn sour as time passes. It might work initially but as time passes, the satisfaction comes down. “The people who are married to a much older or younger spouse tend to have larger declines in marital satisfaction over time as compared with those who are married to spouses who are similar in age,”
Randy Olson, senior data scientist at the University of Pennsylvania, says that disappointment and decreased levels of satisfaction could increase the chances of having a divorce. “The larger the age gap between you and your partner, the more likely your marriage will end in divorce. Only being one to five years away from your partner is nothing to worry about, but if you’re old enough to be your partner’s parent, then your marriage might be in trouble.”
Marital instability: In a marriage of broad age gap, there could be issues such as decreased value consensus, potential caregiving and financial issues, and a power struggle, especially if the wife is older than the husband (5).
Social disapproval: The couple might attract unnecessary attention and the families may not be cooperative. This might put unnecessary pressure on the couple.
Priorities in life: People of different ages have different priorities in life. The priorities of one partner might look frivolous to the other, thus bringing a psychological gap between them.
Having children: Couples with a larger age gap might face health issues when they wish to start a family, especially when they delay it. The fertility rate is deeply connected with the age of the couple.
Unsatisfactory romance: The intimate moments between the couple may not be as satisfactory as they want it to be. The younger partner might want it to be more active and frequent while the older one may not see it that way.
Socializing: Couples with large age gaps may or may not have a common social group. They may end up attending different social gatherings, hanging out with people of different ages. The friends of one partner may not like the presence of a much older/younger person.
It is not necessary that all the age-gap relationships have these drawbacks because it all depends on how well you understand the relationship and take it forward.
Ways to Make an Age Gap Relationship Work
If you are entering into such a relationship, these tips would be of use to you:
Give space: Do not cling on to your partner. Understand the importance of giving space. In any relationship, giving space to each other is extremely important and when the age gap is high, it becomes even more important.
Have patience: Dealing with odd situations requires patience. Being calm and composed helps you win half the battle, as you can view the things in the right perspective.
Be flexible: Do not be too rigid with your partner. Being flexible and empathetic towards each other is important to build a strong connection with your spouse.
Have an open mind: Life will throw many challenges at different points in life. Having an open mind and staying confident about your decision and the relationship will give you clarity in life.
Related: 101 Fun Challenges To Do With Friends
Enjoy silence: Sometimes less is more, so just take a break and do nothing. Enjoy the calm and stillness rather than cribbing about petty issues in life.
Have an active sex life: If you are happy and content with physical intimacy, then you would love your partner better. This keeps each other hooked on to each other and most issues are taken care of.
Communicate well: Most problems can be solved with proper communication. Your partner is someone with whom you can share anything and everything under the sun. Therefore, have honest communication with your partner.
Love unconditionally: Love your partner without any boundaries or limitations. Even the worst situations can be easily handled when the partners are loving, kind and affectionate towards each other.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Can a relationship with a 20-year age gap work?
Many relationships with 20-year age gaps exist worldwide, but the success of such a relationship cannot be guaranteed. These relationships may face difficulties and attract much attention and judgment from society. The couple may also have vast differences in their preferences. However, they could make it work with mutual understanding and open communication.
2. What does the Bible say about age gap in marriage?
There are no specific verses in the Bible about the ideal age gap in marriage. Instead, it emphasizes that the marriage between two people is sacred and should be honored.
Age is just a number when it comes to building relationships. However, it is also not wise to overlook the crucial factors related to the age gap in relationships that may create rifts. Nevertheless, the decision to be with someone with a considerable age difference is entirely personal. You must establish open and transparent communications about your wants and needs while maintaining a bond of trust, care, and love. As long as you are happy with each other and your relationship, the age gap should never be a problem.
Celebrity Couples With Big Age Gaps
Love has no barriers, and age is no exception. Despite the social disapproval and criticisms, many couples find a way to make it work despite significant age differences. Check out the infographic listing a few celebrity couples who prove age is just a number when it comes to lasting love.