Jeromi has been screaming blue murder for days; he has told everyone who cared to listen that he caught his wife cheating on him. No one listened to Jerome’s wife’s concerns. They all believed Jeromi, because he said he caught her in the act. She had insisted that Jeromi should mention the person he caught her with but Jeromi couldn’t. The problem was beginning to shake up their five-year-old marriage. Then Jeromi’s best friend, Kamilu, called him aside to find out if Jerome’s allegation was true. The two friends had the following conversation over a drink:
Kamilu: Jeromi are you sure this allegation against your wife is not false because your wife insisted she didn’t cheat on you and you have refused to tell me the person you caught her with.
Jeromi: Eh! Even if I mention this person, will you know the person ni?
Kamilu: Is the person a man or woman because some women are bisexual. Did you catch her with another woman?
Kamilu: Okay is this person tall, short, fair skinned, dark, handsome or ugly?
Jeromi: Why are you probing me? Eh…this person is not any of those things you mentioned.
Kamilu: Hope you have not gone crazy Jeromi because if you have started hallucinating, I have a friend who is a doctor at Yaba left. He’s very good.
Jeromi: Shut up Kamilu! If you know you have come to insult me then this conversation is over.
Kamilu: Is this an insult? Take it easy my friend, you said your wife cheated on you and I asked if the person is a man or a woman you said no. So, what is it?
Jeromi: It’s a thing (he answered reluctantly)
Kamilu: You see why I should take you to Yaba left now?
Jeromi: I’m dead serious, it’s a thing. A sex toy! I caught my wife with a sex toy.
Kamilu broke into fits of laughter while Jeromi looked at him surprised.
Kamilu: So, this cheating saga is about a sex toy? Jeromi, are you serious? You are jealous of something that cannot talk?
Jeromi: Yes, tell me why a woman should be using sex toys. I’m not man enough?
Kamilu: But there is no big deal about that. My wife and I use it often and our sex life has been blissful.
Jeromi: Kamilu! You allowed your woman to use sex toys when you are alive? It means you can’t satisfy her sexually. You are not a man!
Kamilu: It means we are spicing up our sex life. It has helped our bonding very well. Last Valentine’s Day, that was my gift to her. Jeromi, you are Old school!
Jeromi: This is not about being old school, sex toys are devilish tools from the pit of hell. Kamilu, you are a Christian, how can you support that?
Kamilu: So, what if you travel for six months or more do you expect your wife to remain celibate?
Jeromi: Yes, she should be celibate and wait for me.
Kamilu: What if she cheats on you with another man and she pretends she’s celibate? Don’t you think it’s better she uses a sex toy than doing it with another man?
Jeromi: I disagree. I don’t even want to think that my wife is doing that. That is lust! What or who was she thinking of when she’s pleasuring herself?
Kamilu: Probably you. No one can be sure of anyone’s thoughts. Even when you are both having sex, your thoughts might stray somewhere else. Or are you telling me you don’t cheat on her when you travel for months?
Jeromi: En, that’s true…as a man now…I’m allowed to stray once in a while but my wife is a woman.
Kamilu: My friend shut up! (He cuts in). A woman is steel abi? She has no sexual urges? She’s not tempted? Jeromi you are selfish. You travel for months, came back and found sex toys in your wife’s wardrobe and you are screaming she cheated on you? What about you who has been cheating with different women?
Jeromi: Don’t make me feel guilty here. I’m a man and I can do as I please. But that woman, I married her. Do you know how much I paid as bride price? So, she should be messing up with that devilish dildo?
Kamilu: So, because you paid her bride price she’s your slave? Sex toys don’t only pleasure you; they also keep you safe from sexually transmitted diseases. That’s what many single girls do these days; they have no time for guys who will infect them and not marry them.
Jeromi: Kamilu that’s foolishness! That’s what feminism has been teaching these women; that they don’t need a man in their lives and I am shocked you are following them. Kamilu, you are an African man and all this rubbish you are vomiting is not in our culture.
Kamilu: As educated as you are, your summary of feminism is that women don’t need men? Go and goggle feminism and get yourself more enlightened about these things.
Jeromi: No matter what you say, you cannot convince me that sex toys are not immoral. What happens to sexual purity? What happens to ladies keeping themselves until their wedding nights for their men?
Kamilu: Oh! Are the men sexually pure too? Are we teaching our boys to keep themselves until their wedding nights too? Jerome, let us not dwell on that. We are talking about sex toys now and I think sex toys help a lot. Sit down there; while the world is moving on, even boyfriends gift their girlfriends sex toys too.
Jeromi: People who are not married? Ha! The devil has taken over young people’s minds. It’s these sex toys that are promoting lesbianism and homosexuality in our society. Ha! We have thrown God into the trash can!
Kamilu: Lesbianism and homosexuality are different things entirely. They are sexual orientations and I heard that core lesbians don’t enjoy penetration, so vibration means nothing to them.
However, I won’t deny that they also have their own sex toys but we are not talking about them now. Another advantage is that sex therapists prescribe them to couples that are sexually incompatible. People should find out about these toys and how they can take advantage of them instead of suffering in silence.
Jeromi:As for me, I satisfy Victoria as I should and so she needs no sex toys. I will go and pour anointing oil on them and burn them to ashes.
Kamilu: Don’t waste your anointing oil my friend (laughs). Vibrators have helped so many women have orgasms for the first time and since women now expect sexual pleasure, it makes sense they would buy sex toys.
Every woman should own at least one sex toy. It’s like buying a tennis racket even if you may not end up playing tennis, but why not try it?
Jeromi: I think I should report you and your wife to the pastor. You both need deliverance from seducing spirits.
They both laughed and left for their homes. We have read the arguments of the two friends, so what’s your opinion on sex toys? Are they bad or do they strengthen bonds between couples? Let’s read your views on this.
Editor’s note: Funke Egbemode returns next week.