Dear Njigirl,
I have been dating this girl for about 6 months and our parents want us to go to the next level but I am no longer comfortable with her. I feel that her attitude today might be exactly what I will find if we get married. She always argues with me and I feel she disrespects my opinion. Also, the other day I bought her flowers for her birthday and the way she discarded the flowers plus the insult that accompanied her remarks shocked me. She said: “Other men buy jewelry for their girlfriends on their birthday and here you are buying me flowers. Listen I am not interested in your stupid flowers.”
That shocked me to my bones. How can I marry her down the line with this type of attitude? I want to call it quits but do not want to disappoint my parents. What should I do?
• ALEX
Dear Alex,
Just when you thought she was going to make your high grades then she disappointed and failed woefully right? I know exactly how you feel. You bought those expensive flowers with her in mind and felt that she would beam with smiles and beg you to marry her instantly. Alex, you felt that you already knew her likes and dislikes in six short months but you failed didn’t you? Notwithstanding, her attitude sucks but your dismissal of her own taste and feelings is rather presumptive. You assumed or presumed that since she is female and it’s her birthday, flowers will automatically satisfy her. What I am saying Alex is that in six months of dating your girl, it behooves you to find out her likes and dislikes, her taste in food, perfume, flowers and what type of movies she loves. I admit that she was rude and downright nasty in the way that she expressed herself to you on that day but there is more.
You see Alex, couples can feel a sense of disappointment and in this case out of misunderstanding and misperception. So you misunderstood her reaction to your misperception. “Its her birthday, she’s female, she must love flowers.” She reacted further causing you to totally misunderstand her. Now the relationship that was built for six months suddenly shattered and you want out. In your quest for a partner perhaps you were hoping for a source of affection, love; someone who digs you hook line and sinker, never argues with you, a best friend, and one who soothes your ego but in one single moment, your castle was deflated. These expectations are nothing but “illusion of relationships” because you now feel that you didn’t get what you bargained for. What you don’t have Alex is the skill to work out the disappointment that you feel and that lack will dictate the future of the relationship.
What am I saying in effect? Her reaction is not enough to break up the relationship. So, are there other things in the six months of dating that you liked about her? What areas did you feel you have problems with her? Is her temper one of them?
What do you do now? You need to have a conversation about your future with her. If you truly feel that you cannot manage her “rawness” then you can apologize and move on. There is no need wasting each other’s time. This relationship is about both of you and not your parents. Do not worry about them. After you have exhausted all options – dialogue, discussion therapy (if necessary), and there is no way forward, you can say to your mom, “It didn’t work out.”
All I am saying is that you should not give up prematurely. Do not allow your expectations to dictate the reality. Give her another chance after you have corrected her through an open, non-accusatory dialogue.
Dr. NJ