If your family wants you to follow their relationship path, they are ruining your marriage. You know this because your family wants you to follow in their footsteps
When I see people who allow their family members disrespect their spouses, I cringe. I start wondering how they stay under the same roof and even have sex with someone they allow their family insult and disrespect.
If you cannot protect your spouse from the arrows and missiles of your family members, you have no business getting married. If you cannot shield your spouse from your intruding and manipulative family members, you have failed your spouse.
Maintaining a successful relationship is tough enough to achieve on your own, so when you have outside sources which include your family doing everything they can to sabotage your union, the odds are stacked against you. You have to be bold enough to set boundaries and act fast to stop such intrusive behaviour.
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If your husband is a mama’s boy, it’s likely he will put her needs above everyone else’s including yours. If your father is convinced that no one is good enough for his baby girl, dropping that little note in your ear from time to time could eventually have you questioning whether your partner is the one.
Then, there are intruding siblings, nosy aunties, and uncles who ignite strife when they visit your home or start problems during family gathering because they feel your spouse has not lived up to their expectations. You have to know the signs to look out for to be sure that your family is doing your marriage more harm than good.
Sometimes, it’s hard for family members to give you the respect you deserve because they are so used to seeing you as a child. However, there comes a time when you have to put your foot down and demand things change.
This is necessary when you have family who are repeatedly intrusive in your m. Whether they continuously come to your home unannounced, insert themselves into your relationship without being asked, or find ways to make a moment about you and your partner somehow about them, constant intrusion is a relationship killer.
If your family never misses the opportunity to speak negatively about your spouse, it’s up to you stop them in their tracks or things will get out of hand one day.
It is natural that you may be hesitant to approach your family out of fear of disrespect, but disrespect is exactly what they are showing your spouse. This can cause serious problems in your marriage because your spouse is bound to feel like you don’t have their back and don’t care about their feelings.
Does your family still treat you like a child who can’t decisions on their own? This is something that will be hard to overcome, especially if it’s been this way your whole life.
In this case, your family members are so used to you being a child that it’s almost impossible for them to see you any other way. This means that they not only treat you like a child, they also devalue your relationship by treating your spouse the same way too.
Even if you know that their behavior won’t change overnight, you still have to stand up for yourself and your marriage and let them know that you are an adult and capable of running your own life.
Making you feel guilty for missing family functions, missing regular visits or not calling enough, are just a ways your family uses the secret weapon of guilt to keep you under control. If they are constantly saying that since you got married to your spouse, you have forgotten them, they are guilt tripping you.
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Don’t let them do it. Don’t allow them make it look as if your spouse is keeping you away from them. Explain that you have your own nuclear family now and you need to be with them. Apologize when necessary, but don’t feel guilty for living your life and prioritizing your marriage.
Your family can often be more critical than a stranger. Many times, you can take the criticisms because you are used to it, but remember that there is a difference between being overly critical and offering opinion on things.
If your family is fond of criticizing your spouse, you have to address that immediately. You have to know that these negative criticisms can make your spouse feel bad and this will in turn affect your marriage if it is not addressed on time. Express to your family how what they say about your spouse hurt their feelings.
You have to be aware that if certain members of your family have a bad relationship history, it’s likely that they will project those issues on to you. Likening your partner to the unworthy exes in their past is both unfair to you and your spouse.
Your marriage is your own and you don’t need someone revisiting their past and negatively affecting your present. Make it clear that their issues are theirs and you are navigating through your relationship on your own terms.
On one hand, it is common for your family members to discuss embarrassing things you did when you were a child in front of your spouse but when your family members embarrass you due to their own behavior, that’s an entirely different story.
If you find that whenever you are around certain family members something totally embarrassing happens, causing your spouse to give you the side-eye, then you might want to reevaluate how much time you spend around them. You don’t want your spouse to think that the apple doesn’t fall from the tree and that you are capable of embarrassing them too.
No matter how positive your marriage is, your family finds a way to turn it to negative. If you are talking about how in love you are, how you know your spouse is the best thing that happened to you and other positive aspects of your relationship, but you are constantly met with negativity, you have to step up and stop it.
There are a few ways to tackle this. One, is by simply not sharing any details of your relationship with your family, another way is to filter out exactly what you share. Whatever method you choose will likely help you to avoid negativity clouding a relationship you are perfectly happy with.
If you can’t make a move without your family being all in your business, then you are definitely dealing with overprotective behavior. It’s admirable that your family is so concerned with how you live your life and in this case, your marriage, then it’s too much.
Your spouse may begin to feel that they are in a relationship with your family instead of you because they insert themselves into your life so much. Tell them that while you appreciate the sentiment, they need to give you the space you need to live your own life.
If your family wants you to follow their relationship path, then they are ruining your marriage. You know this because your family wants you to follow in their footsteps, even as it relates to relationships.
If they got married and had children at a certain age, they expect you to do the same. Or if they have a list they followed in their relationship, they want you to follow suit. They don’t care if your spouse came from a different background or if they are different from you when subtly forcing you to tow the same line.
Your marriage is not a carbon copy of those in your family and you are free to set any rules that you like in your marriage. Don’t let your family pressure you into doing what they think is best for your relationship; that decision is solely between you and your spouse.
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RE: ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY TO GET MARRIED?
I applaud you for daring to venture into a terrain that is considered a taboo in this part of the world. I know some people who are not ready to get married for one reason or the other but they are under serious pressure from family members to get married. Some people want to take their time before settling down so that they won’t regret their decision later which is a commendable thing. Their loved ones should respect that.
Are you trying to tell us the story of your life, Kate? It is clear that you hate marriage and you are doing everything within your power to make sure women hate marriage too. Your plan will not work. God will fight you. He is the one who instituted marriage and you and your baby mama cohorts can’t stop the institution from progressing. Your column is anti marriage but you have failed. There is a lot to gain from being married. Stop painting marriage black.
Once again, you have succeeded in educating your readers about a serious relationship issue that many may not understand. This is because some people who have said they are not ready for marriage are being frowned upon. Marriage is not child’s play and anyone going into it must be ready to go the long haul.
While I agree that some people may not want to get married because of some of the negative things they are hearing and reading about marriage, I believe God didn’t make a mistake when he told Adam that he will make a help meet for him. People need to go back to God for their life issues. Thanks for writing every week.
-Francis Adeyi, Lokoja
Anybody who doesn’t want to get married because of some excuses is possessed by an evil spirit. God created us to get married. There is no dream or aspiration in life that is greater than marriage. People should stop allowing philosophy dictate their life’s decisions. You need to also stop promoting western culture with your column. We are Africans not whites.
All I deduced from last week’s topic was excuses on why people shouldn’t get married. Are you seeking perfection or what? No human being is perfect. Marriage is a union between two imperfect people who have chosen to live their lives together, come rain, come shine. You must stop discouraging singles from getting married.