It’s a New Year and I wish all my readers, fans and critics a happy, prosperous and fulfilling year ahead. I appreciate all of you who take time to read my thoughts and opinions on relationship issues.
I am grateful for you all even though some of you may not agree with me most of the time. The reason is that I write things that many men refuse to hear because this society has taught them some wrong things about women, love, relationships and marriages.
One of the lies this society has told men that has been their greatest undoing is that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. This is why many men are eating all sorts of concoctions from different women who are vying for their love, attention and time.
As a man, it is your duty to learn how to cook, clean your immediate environment and take care of your home. It is not your woman’s duty alone. You are not a baby that cannot take care of himself. You are an adult, please live and behave like one.
But this is not what I want to talk about today. Today I want to talk about some relationship silent killers which lead to divorce that many couples are not aware of. These silent killers creep into marriages gradually and wreck havoc and before couples know what is happening, things have fallen apart and the center can no longer hold.
Someone asked me why some couples who were in love, got married and looked happy to outsiders suddenly get divorced over some issues. I thought about her question and told her that people just don’t wake up and decide to get divorced.
Divorce is not an easy decision to make. If you ask couples on that journey, they will tell you that it is not one issue that led to their divorce but a combination of small issues that culminated into irreconcilable differences. It is those seeming small issues that often lead to divorce.
People get divorced for different reasons. More often than not, it’s the little things that add up and lead to the decline of the relationship. Most couples that get divorced encountered a few silent relationship killers that they didn’t tackle as they appeared in their relationship.
Couples are doomed to fail if they have stonewalling, sarcasm, contempt and criticism present in their marriage. These four traits are dangerous to marriages. No couple can have a successful relationship with these little demons present in their union.
Contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. While the other three can also cause problems in any marriage, contempt is by far the most damaging. This is because when couples have contempt for each other, there’s nothing else to hold on to in their marriage.
When people start to look at their spouse with contempt or resentment, it colours the lens through which they see, observe and interpret their spouse. The presence of contempt in any marriage undermines the desire to continue to work on the relationship.
Even gestures and behaviors that could be seen as positive can be twisted in such a way that they are seen as negative. This is when words and actions are greeted with disdain and bitterness. Couples who have gotten to this level are heading for split soon. They can no longer stand one another.
Unlike major things like cheating, domestic violence, emotional abuse, drug abuse and financial recklessness, these four silent relationship killers aren’t easy to spot. It is important for couples to be aware of them before it’s too late to do anything about them.
Avoiding conflicts can lead to divorce. Most people try to avoid conflict because it’s uncomfortable but avoiding conflict is a silent relationship killer because it robs couples the opportunity to address conflicts as they take place.
When you aren’t addressing conflicts in your marriage, you are allowing the negativity to fester. The important thing here is to learn how to deal with conflict in the right way. Not learning these conflict resolving skills is a sure way kill your relationship silently.
When people keep invalidating the emotions of their spouses, they are bound to divorce. This is a tough one to avoid because it sometimes happens without you realizing it. It creeps in gradually and before couples know it, they have grown far apart because of resentment.
For instance, if your partner says they are cold but you aren’t, it’s easy to say, “It’s not that cold” without thinking anything of it. But little offhanded remarks like this can add up. You may not mean to be offensive. But if your partner sees it that way, it’s going to be a problem.
When a person feels invalidated, they often feel disconnected and unheard. They feel unappreciated and unloved. These two characteristics combined, will definitely work to deteriorate a relationship quickly.
Unresolved trauma is another relationship silent killer. Everyone enters into a relationship with baggage. But failing to deal with baggage or past trauma can hurt your relationship without you realizing it. When a person suffers from trauma that remains unresolved, they are often incapable of living their lives without responding to some form of triggers related to that trauma.
For instance, if you have been cheated on in the past, your partner going away for a work trip might cause you to become worried, anxious and insecure. You might start thinking that your spouse is cheating when they are faithful to you.
So instead of letting your partner do his or her own thing, you will feel the need to check up on them and stay in constant contact just to prevent the past from repeating itself.
Dealing with past trauma isn’t always easy to do by yourself. Therapy can be helpful in this case. You can get a professional to talk about your past trauma so it doesn’t destroy your marriage. You don’t have to hurt your spouse for something they didn’t do. They don’t have to pay for your ex partner’s sins.
Resentment is dangerous for any marriage. Resentment can show in many different forms. Your partner may keep bringing up the past, they may be passive-aggressive, sarcastic, or snarky about certain topics.
When there’s resentment in your relationship, it usually means there’s not enough open and honest communication. If you are going to make your marriage last, communication is essential. Couples must communicate honestly and freely with one another to ensure their marriage stands the test of time.
White lies about money might lead to divorce. Many couples keep their finances separate. Some men lie about what they earning or making in their businesses. Some women won’t ever agree that they have money to spend on their family even if their husbands are crumbling under the financial weight of providing for the family.
If one person is a spender and the other is a saver, they are going to have fights. When one person hides their finances and the other finds out, it’s going to lead to trust issues. If your marriage is going to work, being on the same page financially from day one will help you avoid walking down the road of divorce.
Stonewalling happens when a person withdraws or shuts down during a conversation or argument. They emotionally or mentally close themselves off from their spouse due to being physiologically flooded or agitated to the point where they can’t discuss an issue respectfully. You can’t solve marital problems when one person isn’t making an effort to do so.
Ideally, you and your spouse will continue to grow together as time goes on, but that isn’t always the case. Some people change and find out they have outgrown their spouses or their relationship.
This is common with couples whose children are grown and have left the nest. When they were working, the differences that developed were harder to detect but now that the distractions from the relationship are no longer present, it becomes more apparent that they don’t have much in common as they once thought or they changed their opinions on how they want to handle things moving forward.
Change is inevitable. If both partners aren’t changing and moving forward in the same direction, their marriage is not going to work. It’s important to pay close attention to these relationship killers because they start off subtle. Some couples won’t even realize these are doing any harm until they find themselves with nothing but negative feelings towards their spouses. Being mindful of these subtle things in your marriage can help you avoid divorce.
Re: What it means to be in a committed relationship
My definition of committed relationship is a relationship with mutual respect, love, peace, and due consideration for one’s partner. The problem many Nigerians have is their inability to draw the line between commitment and toxic, loveless and abusive relationships.
-Pastor Stephen, Abuja
I concur with you that some guys get married because they are under pressure and don’t really understand what marriage is all about. You are improving. Kudos to you!
-Godwin
Kate, while I agree that some men don’t know what it means to be in a committed relationship, it is required that the women they are dating shouldn’t make mountains out of molehills. Men were created to be polygamous and it is not easy for a man to stick to one woman. Women should understand this and stop expecting faithfulness from men.
-Nnaemeka, Lagos
You always talk as if women don’t hurt men or commit atrocities in relationships. Do you know how many women have destroyed men who had the misfortune of marrying them?
As I speak, my neighbor just found out that one of his children is not his. You won’t talk about women cheating on their husbands and getting pregnant in the process. You are just focused on painting al Nigerian men black as if you don’t have men in your family.
-Michael, Abuja
Kate, you have refused to change even as the New Year is approaching. Your heart is like stone. If you know how many relationships you have destroyed since you started writing your satanic articles in a national newspaper, you will have a rethink. Teach women how to love and be submissive to their husbands instead of empowering them to be stubborn and disrespectful. Kate, repent before God destroys you!
-Obinna, Aba