An unpleasant scenario played out not too long ago, in the period leading up to the joint harvest and bazaar event of a parish of the Catholic Church. Normally, the event takes place during the ember months and ushers in the end-of-the-year ride to Christmas. For the year in question, an accomplished single lady, Ms. Peters, who had two children out of wedlock, and was a successful chartered accountant with solid track record of organizing and flawlessly executing assignments in the corporate world, was appointed as chairman of the harvest committee. Her appointment in that capacity caused many of the married women in the parish to murmur and vehemently kick against it. They even threatened to disrupt the harvest programme.
The row over the appointment caused the Council of Elders to intervene. One of them, who incidentally recommended her for the appointment, having closely followed her antecedents, was even accused, along with other men, of dating the hapless Ms. P. as she was fondly known among the parishioners.
Ms. P. was so traumatized by the hateful bile spewed on her by fellow women – all because she was not married. In plain language she was shamed for being a single mother. It did not matter that she had raised her children very well. The experience forced her to move to another parish with her teenage children.
Marriage is a great institution ordained by God. It is to be treated as a sacred institution because it is covenant relationship between man and woman made in the presence of the Almighty. Contrary to the Western idea, marriage is not a contract that can be cancelled with just a pen. That is why the marriage vow clearly says, “For better, for worse.” One must be mature in mind and body to go into marriage.
In the days of ‘ignorance’ as it were, girl-child education was not readily encouraged because marriage was thought to be the next big that should happen in the girl’s life once she was of age. Till today, mothers get worried when their daughters reach the age of marriage and have completed their education, perhaps are working, but not yet married.
Marriage is admirable, interesting, fulfilling and accomplishing. The institution is a respectable and dignifying place with a lot of responsibilities. Marriage is not child’s play. It calls for preparation. Both men and women like to be married because it is a natural desire. Marriage is most enjoyable when partners choose to communicate, tolerate, uphold, and love each other till the end, but then it has its challenges. However, several couples have properly handled the challenges successfully, sustained the marital relationship and marched on as one.
It is worthy to note that some women seem to get more emotionally involved for a marital relationship to work out, especially where children are involved. But when hatred, anger and bitterness creep into a relationship, when two hearts that used to beat as one begin to beat as two, when there is no flavour again, when the marriage becomes chaotic and characterized by domestic violence, as well as threat to life from both sides, when the two can no longer take walks, holding hands, when the centre can no longer hold, when death seems to be knocking fast on the door, when interventions from friends and family seem to be ignored, when answers to prayers seem to be far away, when couple begin to experience financial and other major difficulties, separation and divorce may begin to rear their ugly heads. There have been widely reported cases of domestic violence that led to the death of either the man or the woman. One cannot forget the death of Titi, female staff of Skye Bank, whose husband slashed her throat with a sharp knife in their home at Isolo area of Lagos State. It emerged that Titi had for long endured abuse in the hands of her husband despite the fact that she paid the bills.
Of recent, some church denominations, especially the orthodox ones, have started considering allowing spouses in troubled marriages to separate for a period of time, during which they would re-evaluate their marital situation and find ways to reconnect and make a great come back when they realize their mistakes and are willing to make necessary character changes.
Interestingly, some ladies became single not necessarily through their fault, but as victims of the deceit of some men, who are specialists in hoodwinking ladies and abandon them when they become pregnant in the course of the romantic relationship and the man was not ready to marry them. Rather have an abortion, the lady goes ahead to give birth to the child and nurture the child. This was the case of a pal Assumpta and Fredrick who started out as young Christian lovers during the national youth service year. As born again Christians, the ‘affair’ was devoid of romance. Assumpta did not understand that the reason Fred hurriedly became ‘born again’ was to have a leap with her in the night. He pressurised her to sleep with him, but she refused. Fred in his crafty mind proposed marriage to her, and they subsequently had casual sex, which resulted in pregnancy. The lady informed her parents about the suitor that was on the way. They fixed dates twice, but the betrothal did not hold. Meanwhile, the pregnancy continued to progress as Assumpta’s tummy protruded. On a certain morning, Fred called off the marriage proposal after the pregnancy had reached seven months! Assumpta almost committed suicide, but support came from her sisters and a baby boy was delivered. That was how Assumpta became a single mother.
Remarkably, there are many reasons ladies become single mothers and notable among them are separation, divorce, widowhood and personal choice. When any of these situations arise, the vacuum created has to be filled. A lady can adopt and raise a child or even children for herself.
Therefore, single ladies should not be chastised or looked down upon for not being married. Most married women are not happier than their single counterparts. Focused single women have achieved what many women have not achieved in terms of academics, position of authority, and various other fields. Women should not be judged by their marital status. If a woman is the reason for her separation or divorce, the man is no a saint either because it takes two to tango. Most women run from violent men and for their own safety. Single ladies have been deprived of many things. This situation worked against the likes of Nigeria’s queen of songs, Onyeka Onwenu, when she tried to contest the chairmanship of Ideato, her local government area in Imo State. Her competence was not considered; all that mattered to the people who opposed her candidacy was her marital status.
A lot of people do not attend churches where the pastor is a single lady. Why is that so? Are the married men and women more righteous? Who should judge them? Men, who think single ladies are prostitutes, should also know that married women also prostitute and likewise married men. Single ladies should be respected as individuals who have the right to live their lives in the society like other people.
Dear Nigerian men, stop being discourteous to single ladies because everybody on earth has a story; don’t jump into conclusion about their personal affairs; you do not know where they are coming from or what they have to deal with from where they are coming from. The truth behind their story might surprise you. Take it easy with others, even if you have a perfect life. Let us keep praying for the good of all. But just know that single ladies are not condemned criminals.