last week, the story of Bilyamin Bello, son of former national chairman of Peoples Democratic Party, PDP, Alhaji Haliru Bello, went viral. He was allegedly stabbed to death by his wife, Maryam Sanda.
Earlier in October, one Adesuwa Osazuwa allegedly stabbed her boyfriend, Seun, to death in Egbeda, Lagos.
In far away India, a Nigerian couple, Izu and Uzuma, were live-in lovers for over a year but one day they had an argument and Uzuma who is 24 allegedly stabbed her 30-year-old businessman boyfriend to death. All these happened recently and I deliberately left the men who killed their wives out of this. These are sad stories and each time I see such newsbreak, my heart bleeds. Women and men who killed their spouses are evil! Yes, they are evil and they have no excuses for these murders. Often times, these murders are premeditated and well planned out. I won’t go into a sermon to justify the killings because I am of the opinion that there are always other options but the perpetrators of these murders allowed their emotions to becloud their sense of reasoning. They feel if I can’t have him to myself no one should. How crazy can you be? You killed someone you once made a vow to protect and you think you did that for love? I have read some people trying to paint the women as victims, arguing that they were suffering from depression and so were mentally unstable. That’s crap!
Before depression set in what were you doing? When you became depressed what did you do about it? There are always other options and murder isn’t one of them. Besides, spousal murders will continue and it might even go out of hand if we don’t start talking to our children about some basic issues.
We should speak to our boys and girls that love isn’t as sweet and beautiful as they see on Disney channels. We should tell them that love stories are much more than a prince charming finding the missing pair of Cinderella’s shoes. They should know that Beauty and Beast stories are rare occurrences or don’t even exist. Our teenage girls must be told that for every act of falling in love, there is always the possibility of a heartbreak. Our girls should be taught that sometimes when love happens it fails. So no matter what, they have to move on. For the teenage boys let them know that they are bound to be rejected and that they cannot always have every girl they fancy. We need to tell our young adults that happily ever after sometimes isn’t for everyone. Your children are never too young to learn about love; teach them what is appropriate for their age. There is a lot going on in the mainstream media, they have great influence on our children and so parents should never underestimate what their kids know. Let your children know it is fine to always speak out, never shut them out. Teach them that instead of being violent they should walk away.
One of the reasons for many of these killings is that we have learned over the years and I think we need a new start if we want things to be different.
The men who were murdered must have been enduring one form of abuse or the other in their marriages but they didn’t speak out. Why? It is simply because they are men. In Nigeria, the male child comes with factory fitted amoured tank wired under his penis. He should always be in control of his home, so when he is a victim of domestic violence, he is told to go take charge and be the man of the house. This mentality didn’t start today, it started right from childhood. If a girl beats up a boy, and he starts crying he is a weakling. A boy isn’t allowed to cry but a girl is allowed to be dramatic with her tears.
Interestingly, when a young lady is newly wedded, her aunties will come with their native wisdom. They will tell her to do everything within her means to please her husband because she has been created to do so. They will tell her to always fight for her marriage that no one can unseat her in her home. They will tell her to accept whatever her husband dishes out to her. The Nigerian bride has been taught to always take in whatever her husband does to her. No one cares about how she feels, she is supposed to suck it in like her grandmother, her mother and aunties did.
Mummies and aunties of Nigeria, I think we have all had enough of your native wisdom; it didn’t do you any good, some of you only ended up resentful and miserable in your marriages. Your long years in marriage means nothing because you all endured your marriages and didn’t enjoy it. More so, don’t come and tell us that during your time, no woman had the boldness to killi her husband. I know what some of you did; this thing didn’t just start today, and it has been there from time immemorial. I will agree with you that in your time it never happened because some of you were silent killers. Evil smooth operators! Hmm…we might be very young but we also heard about the potent portions from the native doctors. However, I know there are few who had happy marriages, we can indulge these ones to speak, provided they will give us practical and realistic tips on how their marriages worked and not belch out some mundane culture-infiltrated sermons that have been passed on from one generation to the other.
Moreover, we are here today because men and women have been told to stay in their marriages no matter what happens. They have been told to protect their properties; they have been counselled to stay at all cost. They have been told it is more honourable to die as a married woman than to be single and happy.
In our part of the world, an unmarried person is a failure. A divorcee is a ne’er-do-well. If you are an adult and in a relationship or marriage, you get yourself armed with these facts to avoid a tragic forever after; prepare yourself that sometimes your spouse might hurt you. That your spouse can fall out of love with you and your marriage might not turn out the way you want it. Live with the fact that your spouse can cheat on you, irrespective of the gender. Learn that a marriage thrives and blossoms when two people come together to make it work. Every marriage has its own peculiar challenges so don’t compare your marriage with others. Give your spouse some space and stop hounding him or her. If you are a victim of domestic violence, speak up. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman. Lastly, I know marriage is not a walk in the park but you should know when to take a bow out of a bad marriage if your life is threatened or if you feel it might ruin you. Life is precious! There are always other options out of that marriage and murder is not one!