By Bianca Iboma-Emefu
There has been a lot of talk lately about abusive relationships and women taking toxic substances to end their lives. In the light of these recent events, Ngozi Helen Samson and others shared their experiences surviving abusive marriages and how they were able to unpack it.
Ngozi Helen Samson became a self-therapist after being beaten by her husband to a state of passing out on several occasions.
Ngozi made sense out of years of emotional abuse and her partner’s behaviour. The role she played in the relationship and why it went so horribly.
She described her 12 years of trying to fix something that was terminally broken: “My husband was enticed by another woman, while he was living with I and the kids. The woman was from a very wealthy family and my husband lost his job and I was just a classroom teacher and my income was not enough to take care of all our needs.
“The marriage was blessed with two children, each of them trying to be the best in their academics, but when tragedy struck, my husband became an abuser. The constant fights and desperate beatings I got from my spouse affected my kids.”
She stated that her children witnessed the serial abuse meted on her by their father and it affected their performance in school.
She said: “I was invited to the school by their class teacher. I almost ran mad from the traumatic past but thank God for my elder sister who took care of me.
“We lost our once peaceful home to a strange woman, the deep affection and love I had for my husband brought a great shock to me. It was a traumatic experience. I lost my job.
“However, my sister came to our rescue. She took us into her house, gave I and the kids constant peace. I survived the storm without the father of my kids. I am now a Keke driver just to eke a living; I am still living with my sister but plan to rent a house and start afresh. I was able to survive everything.
“The constant anxiety, bitter screaming matches that turned into days of silence; poisonous words and behaviours that couldn’t be taken back are the major reason women take toxic substances to end their lives.”
Elena Ibiok (real name withheld) said she was filled with regrets about the years she devoted to a relationship that went nowhere and almost broke her. According to her, she became addicted to strong alcoholic drinks as a result.
Ibiok admitted she was still having the most trouble coming to terms with one bitter legacy: Her own toxic behaviour during that time that had brought out the worst in her.
“What I really hate,” she said quietly, “is I now know how bad I can be. I never knew my husband had three kids with a church member. A young woman who I brought close to my house. I showed her affection when she had accomodations issues.
“The church member was owing seven months’ rent and she was being dragged everywhere and I decided to come to her aid. I informed my husband, who gave her the money to offset her rent and get foodstuff, out of my own kindness.
“I had no idea that the woman could backstab me. I had several miscarriages before I had my own child. This woman has three kids and they are all older than mine. I became traumatized and hypertensive, among other ailments I presently suffer from.”
She added that her pain went to the core of the struggles: she was struggling to rebuild faith in herself, to like who she was. “The shock I was left with, I am now placed on live medication for my survival,” she disclosed.
Chukwufunaya Anita Obidi, popularly known as Korra Obidi, United States-based Nigerian social media entrepreneur, dancer-cum-singer survived an abusive marriage.
She explained in a live video on her Facebook page how she was abused by her American husband, Justin Dean, a chiropractor.
Obidi stated that her estranged husband constantly abused her physically, emotionally and mentally.
“I have a traumatic experience. He slapped, hit and broke my mobile phone at night; and each time he does that, he replaces it with a new one in the morning and says you are hallucinating. He denies that the incident ever happened.
“When I was pregnant, he abused me and I lost that pregnancy. I am going to spill out a lot when I write my book. It would be more revealing, as I would give details of my ordeal in his house,” she said.
She added that her estranged husband was befriending her bestfriend, that whenever she tried to explain it all to her friend, it was like an act. At a point, her friend said to her, Korra, Justin is my friend.
“It took my family members to understand the traumatic experience I had.
“I was the cash cow. I was making money, paying his student loan. I was living in constant fear because of the rules given to me. He told me that child support services were stationed outside the house and I should not leave the kids for 20 mins.
“However, I got help from my L.A. mum, family and friends who stood by me. Four days after childbirth, he walked away. To have survived all of this was just God’s grace,” she said.
Obidi noted that, even after divorce, her estranged husband was still abusing her emotionally: “He keeps filing cases against me because he wants full custody of the children. Thank God for always helping me out.
“Despite the traumatic tales I have shared, he was doing stuff to harm me. He claimed to love our daughters but he had refused to co-parent in peace. Any human being should not experience a toxic marital relationship, it can push a woman to become suicidal,” she added.
Also, a civil servant who wished to be addressed as Apezie Odaro said her relationship had been typical of many toxic partnerships in that there was a clear perpetrator (her partner) and a victim (herself).
Although it’s not ethical to make a psychological diagnosis from a distance, her partner’s behaviours indicated many traits consistent with a narcissistic personality disorder. He seemed detached, self-focused and had been making her believe there was something wrong with her down to an art form.
She had come into the relationship as a confident woman in her early 20s but with little experience in relationships and, as she put it, “totally naive” when it came to emotional abuse.
“He never hit me so I thought it was okay. Well, not okay, but in the ballpark for what goes on in relationships. I thought relationships were supposed to be ‘hard’ and we could work through it.”
However, after the initial high, he was cheeky, charming and treated her as the love of his life. It slowly descended into a hellscape, where she never knew where she stood.
He lied, he cheated, he openly flirted with other women in front of her. He told her often how attractive her friends were, what great breasts or legs they had.
He told her to lose weight and that she was getting old, “crinkly” skin that no other man would ever want.
He picked fights over the tiniest things. Often things he initiated. When she lashed back with hurtful words, he recorded them on his iPhone and played them back to her. “Evidence” he had been able to use against her, if he ever needed to.
Apezie said he withheld sex because she had been “bad”. And handed it out when she had been good.
He made sly, subtle jabs about her personality and “fragile” mental state (you’ve always found it hard to make friends/get on with people; you’re too anxious to apply for that job but I got a job.
“He so discouraged me that I became a shadow of myself. My dreams and aspirations died,” she said.
Meanwhile, Apezie noted that he followed her when she went out (even to work), he checked her phone, he methodically cut her off from friends and family.
She further said: “The fights were the stuff of legend. My confidence worked against me in some ways because I lashed back in any way I could think of. At times, I was as bad as him. I thought of taking poison. You know, it was that traumatic.
“You don’t let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you start caring about yourself.”
Ibilola Adeyipe narrated her ordeal for 14 years.
“After the death of my first husband, 17 years ago, I married Mr. Soji Adeyipe, who I thought was the most caring man but, to my surprise, he was a monster in disguise”, she said.
Ibilola said she had to run out of the house last December to her uncle’s place due to the constant beating.
She added that he behaved as if he was under a spell whenever he pounded her: “My first marriage was blissful, blessed with two kids; but didn’t have any issue for this present man. I cannot begin to recount all the mistreatment I got from this second one. This man would hit my head on the wall every time. The experience for me was terrible, but I had to leave so I could be alive. My kids live with my family members. Now that we are apart, I will rent a self-contained apartment for I and kids.”
A Christian relationship counsellor, Mrs. Chika Idoghor, advised that the first thing that should come to mind when in an abusive marriage is leaving the home. “The victim should leave that space of abuse for a period of time so that the abuser can reflect or re-examine himself or herself,” she advised.
Idoghor added that they should see an expert for counselling or therapy, not motivational people but seasoned professionals that have experience to meet that situation.
She said: “If you are a believer, one whose ways are right with Christ should lay it at the feet of the Lord to help you. In fact, this particular one should be the first.
“If you have found yourself there, remember who you are in a toxic relationship is not who you really are. Everyone has a dark side and when you are fighting for emotional survival no one is at their best. Sadly, it’s the worst version of ourselves that steps forward into the fray.
“But it doesn’t have to be permanent. People can recover from toxicity to have healthy relationships. As hard as it is to see when you are in it, a toxic experience can — in retrospect — be an educational, illuminating one.
“I have listened to people share their stories of toxicity, both in sessions (confidentially) and privately through their emails and messages.
“It has helped to build a library we can share with a community of people who have been through similar experiences.”
Idoghor said the stories of others are often how we can learn best. “It can take courage to share your story but it can be an act of generosity, a gift from which others can benefit. And it may be the first step in leaving your own experience behind.”
She added that they should remember that pain does not have to stay with you. “You can find the part of yourself that was lost. You can rediscover your strengths and the things you want to do. You can lay down a plan for the next stage of your life.
“The most important thing to know is this: Whoever you were in the relationship, you were always someone else too. A person that has much to offer in the world. Be a person capable of healthy love.”