I suspect she could be a better manager of people and resources. I have a feeling if I’d travelled before now, madam would’ve sacked our company cashier.
Usoro I. Usoro
I’ve never had reason to suspect my wife, but now I do! Oh, she’s loyal, supportive and all that. Submissive, speaks good English and, well, very active. And that seems to be the problem, especially, very recently.
Every time I leave home, madam seems to be too active. A few days ago, the moment I went out to spit on the mosquito that drank my beer, she formed a “support group” in support of Deacon Udom Emmanuel. Before I ran back to the bedroom, she had moved a truckload of women, children and pets to the government house to declare support for the governor. What pained me wasn’t that my wife was keying into the frenzy of the moment, it was that she made me miss a long awaited “handshake” from governor Fine-Face!
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How madam did it so fast beats me. I know for a fact that it takes about three years and “an uncommon defection” to wake a community that’s been lamenting of poor showings of good governance. Truth is, the frenzy to profess support and loyalty to Gov. Emmanuel isn’t because the people so feel. It’s just an opportunity to try making the governor open his palms a bit. A little bird said they had been waiting for long to feel the governor’s impact. Well, when Senator Akpabio’s unexpected defection caused the current political epilepsy, the citizens saw a ray of hope!
Please, someone should help me warn my wife very seriously. Why must she emulate VP Osinbade sorry, Osinbajo? I left the house for only one-and-half days, only to return to another environment. I confess: I am very lazy. So lazy that I can’t even read all the scroll bars on the TV screen during news. I am not even smart enough to think up a most ingenious and shortest way to reach the governor for a chat. Neither can I even figure out how to call my hungry and noisy chickens to order in the poultry. Even the dogs behave as they like when I am around. To be honest, I actually sometimes thought to act in a laid-back manner was the only way I can acquire a Bubu-like professed integrity!
There were times I thought if I scolded my kids for doing something wrong, the heavens would fall. So, instead, I kept telling the visitors that I was still racking my brain, like Buhari’s security chiefs – on how to bring decorum to my sitting room. But my wife proved me wrong the other day. I returned to the house and all the pillows were complete on the chairs! Above all, common sense, peace and confidence seemed to have descended on the house. Everywhere was so peaceful that I noticed a wall gecko run out of the air-conditioner.
Sometimes, my wife acts like Osinbajo, jo! Well, she likes the way the man speaks English. Told me the other day that the VP sometimes makes lies sound like truth because he speaks effortlessly! Anyway, whenever I leave the house to visit a neighbor–and I do it often like Buhari visits London–that’s the moment something would happen. My “mallam” actually confessed they prefer me to travel often so madam can act. The way many Nigerians prefer Buhari to stay away for a while so Osinbajo to act. I learnt it’s always during my absence that things happen in the house. That’s when the music system rests; that’s when the neighbours pray the loudest and that’s when fried stew smells most into the gatehouse!
The other day, when I travelled, madam summoned the dogs to a meeting. Before I returned, the male dog named Terror was confined to the pen. Reason? Madam alleged that the dog connived with the gateman to sleep throughout the night. There was no barking when the owl hooted. Bad omen. A sign of connivance. On a search, two dead rats were found in the dog house. But our neighbours told me later that they heard a life python , a dragon and Mr Lucifer were hidden in inside the cage by Terror! Rumour! Must this woman copy Osibande? When did my dog become Daura?
Ok, I was just “racking” my big head over the political correctness of her action, when: boom! She conjured another attention-grabbing action from her “gele”. She ordered the gateman to dismantle the roadblock to our kitchen! From then on, no more SARS checking how many pieces of meat our maids can eat per day. The kids are free to either swallow, drink or even cook the eggs and eat. It’s no longer the job of any bloody black dog to sniff my children’s stinking mouths. Very unlike our “mallam” gateman, a seeming quick responds was given to the order by immediately renaming our male dog. “Terror” was quickly “transmitted”, sorry, rechristened “Big Terror”! Just like IGP idris changed SARS (Special Anti-Robbery Squad) to FSARS(Federal Special Anti-Robbery Squad)! But would the “transmission” of SARS to FSARS change the security apparatus? What’s in a name and what do I know sef?
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Well, I have no problem with madam’s directive. But she should not fan herself yet. You know why? Directive and implementation are never in agreement in our compound. Like Nigeria, we do not lack good laws, intentions or orders. Where we always falter is usually execution of the orders. For instance, changing an attack dog’s name isn’t the issue. How about reorientation? Issuing verbal or written code of conducts, even if you do, won’t change the psyche of the animal. It happens to humans too.
I suspect my wife has more nerves than I do. I suspect she could be a better manager of people and resources. I have a feeling if I’d travelled before now, madam would’ve sacked our company cashier. Or made her produce the original of her baptism certificate. The fellow claimed, like Finance Minister Kemi Adeosun, that she never knew an “assistant” somebody procured her a fake certificate. I tried to make light of it but the other staff keep suggesting that if the cashier isn’t a “certified born-again”, she could be “kwarapt” and our money stolen. They fear a possible effect of nonpayment of salaries. I wish madam would soon “go there” during one of my now frequent absences!
Anyway, since I’m not as selfish as most noisy politicians, I have decided to defect from home more often so good things can happen. Going by the reaction of my children, domestic staff and even the neighbours, madam’s actions bring joy to their eyes, noses and perhaps hearts. I might just join Baba in London, to keep him company, especially now that he’s extended his stay there. That way, both of us can stay there for as long as necessary to allow our seconds in-command make things happen. What does it matter if someone else has the liver to do that which I lack the spleen? In the end, I would give a tacit approval. Or deny knowledge if it goes wrong. But if it goes well, I won’t share my glory with anyone o. After all, I am still the headache, sorry, the head of the house. Abi, no be so?