By Kate Halim
Men and women desire good and healthy relationships which make them happy, respected, fulfilled and secure. But not everyone enjoys blissful relationships. Many people are feeling drained, disrespected and depleted in their relationships.
Agnes Olubi, an Abuja-based certified marriage counsellor, who spoke to Saturday Sun, said that a toxic relationship is a relationship where your partner demeans you or makes you feel uncomfortable enough to feel scared.
Olubi added that “Toxic relationships happen when people are stuck in harmful relational patterns and cycles. In romantic partnerships, physical or sexual attraction can be a powerful force that makes people stay in toxic relationships.
“In a healthy relationship, one’s self-esteem and emotional energy thrive, but a toxic relationship deteriorates your self-esteem and can make you doubt your self-worth. In a toxic relationship, you don’t feel safe and secure and you are constantly afraid of what will happen next.”
She outlined some signs of toxic relationships which are listed below:
One: You make all the compromises
If you are the only one making compromises, then it is a big sign of a toxic relationship. You need to understand that giving more than you can in a relationship where the other person is not reciprocating your efforts is unhealthy.
Two: Your partner plays the blame game
Is your partner blaming you for the mistakes or failures they make? Is your partner refusing to take responsibility for their actions? If your partner is blaming you or others for their misdeeds, then it’s a sign of toxicity in a relationship. Relationships are about owning up to your mistakes and admitting when you are wrong, not pointing fingers at others when things go wrong.
Three: There is abuse
If your partner is abusing you verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically, you are in a relationship with an abuser. Love means compassion, trust, loyalty, and a lot of respect but if they can’t respect you, then it’s time to rethink your relationship. There is no room for exploitation or harassment in a happy and healthy relationship.
Four: You feel drained all the time
If your relationship is draining you mentally, emotionally, and physically, this is another sign of a toxic relationship. Toxicity in a relationship can make you feel tired and exhausted all the time. If you are always feeling mentally depleted, you have to rethink your relationship status.
Five: Your partner is not making efforts
Relationships are a two-way street and it means efforts from both parties. If you are the only giver in your relationship, then it is not healthy. When your partner is making no effort to spend time with you or share things that matter to them with you, you are in a toxic relationship.
Six: Your relationship is full of endless drama
If criticisms, judgment, and arguments are constant in your relationship, it’s another sign you are in an unhealthy relationship. Constructive criticism is okay but if the criticism is turning into a dramatic situation, then it is not okay.
Seven: There is jealousy
If your partner is having trouble with you hanging out with others or spending time you’re your friends, and if there is jealousy of any kind in your relationship, it is another sign you are in a toxic and unhealthy relationship. A jealous partner will be over-possessive and will monitor your actions closely. This kind of behaviour can make you feel uncomfortable and can take away your right to privacy.
Olubi listed some things that people in toxic relationships should do to get the help they need:
1. Find out if the relationship can be fixed
A toxic relationship can change only if both partners are equally committed to overcoming their issues with open communication, honesty, self-reflection, and possibly professional help, individually and together. It will require the couple to examine their actions and do inner work. If neither you nor your partner would be willing to truly put in the effort, the relationship will not change and should be ended. If you don’t see any improvements after going through these steps, the toxicity could be too much to overcome, and it is better to go your separate ways.
2. Be willing to walk away
Before you attempt to confront a toxic partner, make sure your self-esteem and self-confidence are good enough for you to know that you will be all right if they end the relationship with you, or if you end up having to end it with them. If you want to improve your relationship with a toxic partner, you have to be willing to leave that relationship if nothing changes. If you are unwilling to do so, your partner will ultimately know that regardless of what they do, you really won’t leave so you will be stuck in an unhealthy relationship.
3. Look for the ABCDs
Someone can recognize a toxic relationship if there is a constant presence of ABCD—accusations, blame, criticisms, and demands. If these behaviours are rampant in your relationship, talk to your partner about them and agree to work together to end this cycle. It is helpful to remember that it’s not you versus your partner; it’s both of you versus the communication problem. This collaborative mentality can help you reconnect with your partner naturally.
4. Use your voice
Often in toxic relationships, you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner, which over time can build up resentment. If you feel anxiety about communicating something to your partner because you are afraid of their response, take note. In a relationship, it’s essential you feel relaxed and that you can be yourself and bring up concerns as they come up.
Your partner might not be aware that their behaviour is causing you to tread lightly. When you are upset about something, resist the urge to sweep it under the rug. Instead, communicate how you are feeling and ask them to recognize how their behaviour is affecting you so that you can both rebuild trust in your relationship.
5. Start taking up space
In toxic relationships, one person is often not honouring themselves or their own needs. You have opinions, likes, and dislikes, but you find yourself constantly doing something other than what you feel is right. You don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings or upset them. Over time, your relationship becomes one-sided and your needs become less visible.
If you have observed this dynamic in your relationship, it is necessary to speak up so you don’t continue perpetuating this behaviour. Make your partner recognize their toxic patterns and cycles, which include triggers, feelings, and behaviours. Express how you are feeling with your partner, and let them know that you want to feel included and valued in the relationship too.
6. Seek help
Someone can recognize a toxic relationship if one or both partners feel worse about themselves when they are in the relationship. It can be self-worth, confidence, or body image.
Being around your partner doesn’t feel stable because you live in a constant state of unease of trying to be better to feel good enough. Healthy love and nurturing romance doesn’t involve any acts of earning. You are good enough simply by being who you are.
If you are at this stage in your relationship, you may need to bring a mental health professional into your interactions to give you a professional perspective. This will help you and your partner heal from unresolved trauma.
7. Learn to stand up for yourself
Toxic relationships often involve gaslighting, an abusive strategy that creates a subtle, unbalanced power dynamic that seeks to control the moment in the relationship. If you continually question your sensitivity level and judgment, it can rapidly devolve into you distrusting your feelings and thoughts.
Cultivating mindfulness practices can be key to learning how to trust yourself and your own experience. Your truth is not up for debate. Keep a journal to notice the inconsistencies between what you are being told and what is happening.
When you are fully present and do not second-guess your reactions, a gaslighter will have a harder time distorting the reality in your relationship. Let them know that their perception is not your experience, and if they continue to speak to you disparagingly, you will not engage until they are willing to listen to you.
8. Explore healthier ways to express criticism
Constructive criticism can be a healthy expression in a healthy relationship, but if someone habitually criticizes you in a judgmental or condemnatory way that is no longer helpful, it is crossing the line.
There is criticism about everything. Every time you do something, they always have a comment about what you did wrong or how you could have done it better. Ultimately, you feel unappreciated. To stop this from happening, you and your partner can learn how to express criticisms healthily or how to construct a dialogue where you can both listen to each other’s points of view.
9. Have uncomfortable conversations
Toxic relationships tend to be filled with little white lies. If your partner tends to have caustic reactions when things don’t go their way or when you disagree, you may have got used to simply telling them what they want to hear because you don’t want to waste time explaining the truth.
Couples should know that healthy relationships are a two-way street, and honesty is paramount for you to meaningfully connect with your partner and for you to be able to speak your mind.
When you feel like you are about to tell a white lie, take a moment to consider what would happen if you told the truth instead. If you keep hesitating to bring up something or your instinct is to avoid discomfort, do the opposite instead. This is the perfect time to practice effective, clear communication so that these small lies don’t become bigger lies and spread out of control.
10. Don’t move on from conflicts without having a plan for change
If there is a history of conflict avoidance and lack of personal accountability, you must establish a safe space where you and your partner can share your feelings, needs, and desires.
If you or your partner grew up in a home where those issues go unaddressed, it is possible you may not have learned how to honestly and directly talk about an issue. With patience and positivity, these conversations can be initiated and become a natural way of approaching conflict without any of that toxic energy.
Fixing toxic relationships is no easy task, but it is possible with hard work from both parties. Make sure you also pay attention to see if meaningful change is happening over time as you do the work.