People of God, I want you to join me to praise the Lord. God has done it again o. I had one debilitating problem since I was born. In fact, the problem started while in my mother’s womb. By nature, I hate annoying and uncomfortable places. Like kitchen filled with too much food. Nice bed in a school library, etc. So, when the womb was too dark and damp, I got angry and started trouble in “paradise”. My mum was forced to push me out!
I came into the world – with anger — like Satan pushed out from Heaven. From day one, nothing seemed clear and pleasant to me. Struggle everyday and everywhere. Discomfort; hunger, politics and all. So my anger continued. Anger brought worries; worries brought headache; ulcer, etc. But last week, I took a decision – to stop getting angry!
Now, people of God, no matter how I try to annoy myself, I just can’t get angry anymore. Those in my neighbourhood who heard about the miracle, thronged my house last week. Still, I wasn’t angry. They entered the compound, palour and some even got to my bedroom. Still, I wasn’t angry. I simply closed the door, locked it and called the police! But I wasn’t angry o.
Well, I have a confession. The last time I was angry, 73 people died in Benue. My anger also caused Hurricanes Katrina, Felix, Matthew, Hermine, Nicole, Ike, Ivan, Andrew, Donald Trump and even Buhari! But I’ve since repented. I even detoxified myself the other day and all my “angers” were washed away! Otherwise, I would’ve been very provoked by some recent happenings.
I swear on the biggest Bible, if it was before, I would’ve been angry that Buhari wants re-election. But now, I am not. Because he knows what he’s doing. And our constitution gives everyone the right (and left) to showcase his greed (for power); gullibility and end his political quests like my uncle’s dog – tail between legs! My only worry’s that Baba’s making Jonathan too much of a “role model” – by blaming everything on him. Ask Senator Enyinnaya Abaribe. ”The President is always passing blames. He blames every other person, but himself. He tells us every time that he does not know what is happening in the country. How can a president utter such words?” Oga Senator, take your carefulness! “Warizit?” Are you trying to annoy me? In Omawunmi’s voice: If you ask me, na who I go ask?
It’s like somebori wants me to get angry and say Buhari is adopting Jonathan’s style, too much. Even the aspects he criticizes. Like seeking re-election, despite obvious failure of governance. But I won’t. Because I’m no longer angry. I won’t be tempted to observe that the slight difference is in the anti-corruption refrain, which is exactly that: refrain! More talks; less acts! But I won’t say it o. I would not even join the idiot who accused the President of copying Jonathan’s incompetence, slow-speed; cluelessness; failed promises; etc. Some even have the guts to brand the much advertised “recovered loots” as “media achievements”. But, what do I know sef?
And I would’ve been angry at those who welcomed Buhari to London with protests. Ah! Is it their London? Somebody cannot go to London in peace again for check up – I mean, checking up on Commonwealth heads of States? They are lucky I no longer get angry. In fact, I would’ve also removed the phrase “corruption fighting back” from the register of the Presidency. Can’t they ever find something more creative? And why rehash an argument you rejected during Jonathan: “one term isn’t enough to complete his good works”?
So far, we’ve witnessed two sets of Lai’s Looting Lists (LLL). A third is being compiled. Pupils of Propaganda Nursery School in Lai Kingdom have the contract. Well, if my name is on that list, I won’t be angry. And if it doesn’t appear there, I still won’t be angry. But I might break a few heads. Like that of my secretary. Problem with LLL is that it makes nonsense of FG’s corruption war in this demon-cracy, sorry, democracy. Ok, if the looters are known, subject them to the legal processes, thank you! Pronouncing them guilty without trial serves no useful purposes, except media hype. And demonization. Or is it a confirmation of the saintly executive’s avowed faithlessness in the other arms of government?
Don’t worry, I’m good. Leave my hand, I’m no longer angry. I stopped. If it were two weeks ago, I would’ve been angered by some of the names touted as those intending to occupy the Rock. Some are either too recycled; inexperienced or plain charlatans. Yet, if it were possible, I would say all of them should go there. After all, if Buhari wasn’t president, some of us would still be deluded that Nigeria would’ve been an Eldorado by now. Until he gets there, Sowore, for instance, might think being a president is as simple as blogging activism and fact-twisting. Nwankwo Kanu might dream superintending over Nigeria’s like playing in the “Dream Team”. And that since footballer George Weah won the Liberian presidency, another footballer can “dribble” here. He might not understand that some oldies would rather steal or kill the horse than allow a young blood into the saddle.
Lai-lai! I won’t get angry. Before now, I would’ve “vex annoyed” with my governor. Reigners Chapel, an uncompleted church building, collapsed in 2016 and almost killed Gov. Emmanuel. Officially, only 27 persons died. Unofficially, over 200. The owner of the church, Akan Weeks, reportedly moved to another location to be “ordained” a bishop.
A reluctantly constituted Commission of Inquiry indicted him for illegal construction; “undue interference in some critical aspects during construction of the building…to the extent that he ordered for the removal of the temporary support system (central scaffold) supporting the drum of the steel roof and deletion of the basement floor during construction against all profession advice”. Phew! He was “lacks courtesy and humility to apologize for the shame and disgrace he brought to the state…”
Shockingly, Akwa Ibom State Government rejected that aspect of the report; claiming that unspecified “facts available indicate that Apostle (Dr) Akan Weeks relied on the professionals he engaged”. Waow! Which facts, please? Did the government set up another inquiry unknown to us? Weeks works free and proud! Yet, the Commission cited “adequate proofs” for its decision, didn’t it? Something is funny about this. Anyway, I won’t talk because I no wan vex, mbok!
What’s the point of getting angry, anyway? My four-year-old tears my valuable book; I get angry and beat her. She cries like the devil bites her soul. Then, I turn my back and she completes the job. What’s the use of anger? NEPA (or PHED?) performs its statutory(?) duty of “taking light” for months and we get angry. At the end of each month, they serve you a bill of N105,000 for Fashola’s darkness. You get angry but pay. What’s the point if angry? Mehn! I swear, nowadays, I no longer get angry. I just break a few heads, dazzol!